Rate it!

18 votes

Cristiano Ronaldo may not be long for this country, according to The Sun's Neil Custis, based on a transformation from banter merchant to sullen loner in a few short months.

Despite failing to track down an unnamed source, Custis claims Ronaldo cut a miserable figure during Manchester United's trip to Denmark earlier this week.

He "sat alone and pensive" on the flight to Aalborg, "stood apart from his team-mates" on arrival, and failed to enjoy a game of piggy in the middle during training.

About as conclusive as proof gets, really. Real Madrid it is. January.

Gossip Shop is a right sulk when subjected to the unique hell of air travel, and is only pleased it has nobody analysing its routinely murderous body language by the baggage carrousel.

When the Gossip Shop doesn't know anything about a player, the first thing it does is to look up anagrams of his name.

In that spirit, Bursaspor striker Inimical Dryers (Sercan Yildirim to his friends) claims Manchester United will sign him in a £5m deal.

"United have contacted my family and the president of the club," he said. Hopefully not in that order, otherwise the tapping-up police will be performing a dawn raid Chez Fergie.

Jermaine Jenas is an England international who has already commanded £12m in transfer fees over his career.

Nevertheless, there is something strangely unexciting about the news that Sunderland are weighing up a January bid for him.

Jenas left north-east neighbours Newcastle in 2005 complaining that it was like living in a "goldfish bowl", but would reportedly rather live in a cramped, water-filled globe and eat nothing but fish flakes than spend another minute at crisis club Spurs.

It's a sign of the times that Gossip Shop can place stories about two men named Jermaine next to each other without batting an eyelid (only it just has).

Jermaine Pennant is apparently not wanted by Portsmouth boss Harry Redknapp, who did a pretty poor job of concealing his desire to involve the Liverpool winger in some outlandish wheeler-dealing.

"I like Pennant. He's a good player, a great crosser of the ball and he's definitely got quality," said 'Arry.

"But I can't say I have thought about signing him. In fact, I have not thought about anybody really, to be honest." Of course you haven't...

The Daily Star have finally twigged that this credit crunch business is pretty serious, and have devoted their front page to the financial crisis.

They yell: 'BUSTS ARE GOING BOOM - Breast news for weeks..UK boobs are getting bigger'. Not when people can't afford to feed themselves, they won't be.

The Daily Mirror should apply for a job in some doomed City establishment, given their talent for creative accounting.

The story is this: Aston Villa have offered £6 million plus Marlon Harewood for Reading's Kevin Doyle.

No surprises there, except that the Mirror rate Harewood at a hefty £4m, taking the total value of the deal into eight figures.

Why not just call Harewood £80m and break the world record?

Huddersfield headmaster Paul Gittins has risked the wrath of the coffee-hugging, kaftan-wearing educational establishment after making a shocking admission.

Gittins confessed he gave Reuben Noble-Lazarus "a playful clip around the earhole" when the 15-year-old returned to school following his Barnsley debut.

Monster.

Two unnamed youth players have been banned for five and three months by the FA after testing positive for cocaine.

Naughty boys, but not a patch on NFL star Travis Henry, who has been arrested on suspicion of involvement in a "multi-kilogram cocaine transaction".

Finally, Brian Howard has told Barnsley he will make like a French public servant and go on strike unless he is allowed to move to Sheffield United.

Not that French public servants are striking over the right to play at Bramall Lane, but you get the idea.

Alex Chick / Eurosport