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Misleading description of the season: 'Russian Ronaldinho' - the title given to CSKA Moscow's Yuri Zhirkov in the Daily Mail.

The dissimilarities are endless. Zhirkov is a defender, Ronaldinho a forward; Zhirkov plays on the left, Ronaldinho in the middle; Zhirkov's main attributes are his pace and crossing, Ronaldinho's are his skill and teeth. And Zhirkov is bloody good.

If he were to be wrongly compared to any Brazilian, it should obviously be Roberto Carlos, particularly as he is better going forward than defending.

But Ronaldinho? Madness. Although it didn't stop TT using it in the headline, you may have noticed.

Transfer Talk is a big fan of the 25-year-old, although it isn't sure what Big Phil Scolari intends to do with Ashley Cole if Zhirkov arrives.

Today is 'no-show Friday' - a day on which the nation pulls an enormous collective sickie.

With millions of people pulling the duvet over their head and throwing their alarm clock out the window, it should hardly come as a surprise that one of them is a Premier League footballer.

Jermain Defoe to be precise. His claim that he is unwell might be genuine for all TT knows, but that won't stop the speculation.

The striker's has missed training with Portsmouth after calling in ill, just a few hours after a cheeky £5m bid from Spurs was turned down.

Are the two events linked? TT has no way of knowing, but that won't stop it speculating.

Defoe will surely be off by the end of the month, but with his supposed value fluctuating from the comically cheap to the prohibitively expensive, his destination and the amount of wonga heading Pompey's way remain a mystery.

Lyon winger Sidney Govou is fed up with winning the league every year and instead craves a relegation dogfight. Good news for him, and good news for Portsmouth, with the pair expected to hook up in a £3m deal.

West Ham are offering Galatasaray one of those Ryanair-style deals that looks really cheap before you take account of all the sky taxes, luggage levies and surcharges for having breathable air on board.

Get this: Lucas Neill is free. FREE!! Except Galatasaray have to pay up the last six months of the Australian's contract, which could cost them as much as £2m.

Plus an extra eight quid if they want to pay using a standard debit or credit card.

New Year is a time for fresh starts and optimism - but not if you are Jermaine Pennant. He ended 2008 being courted by Real Madrid, and starts 2009 as the object of Stoke's affection.

And instead of being asked to beat three men and float a perfect cross on to Raul's head, Pennant's sole task will be to knock the ball out off defenders' shin in order to set up long throw opportunities for Rory Delap.

Real boss Juande Ramos's brief and horrifically unsuccessful flirtation with the English game means Pennant is far from the only Premier League 'star' being linked with a comical move to Madrid.

Aaron Lennon is a confirmed target and his Tottenham team-mate Jermaine Jenas is also wanted by Ramos.

Call TT crazy, but it reckons Jenas's brand of silky yet ineffectual sideways passing will fit in a treat over in La Liga. It worked for Vinnie Samways.

For more transfer nonsense - including our club-by-club rumour chart - click the links below the photo.

Alex Chick / Eurosport