Rate it!

79 votes

These truly are depressing times: nobody has any money, it is bloody freezing, and the painfully unfunny Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps has been inexplicably commissioned by the BBC for yet another season.

For football fans the opening of transfer window should offer excitement and intrigue as you speculate about who your club might sign but instead most clubs seem to be scrambling to keep their players rather than showing any desire to bring new ones in. The only saving grace is that there is nobody out there with any money to spend - except of course for Manchester City.

Then of course there is Real Madrid, who never really have any money, but who also never let a massive debt get in the way of a big transfer signing. They are ready to ruffle the feathers of their good friends at Old Trafford by trying to snatch Carlos Tevez away in a £25 million bid.

Manchester United had provisionally agreed a £32m deal with Tevez's owners MSI back in 2007 but now want the price reduced because of - you've guessed it - the credit crunch. Kia Joorabcien and his cronies are not willing to play ball though and what better way to get revenge than to shop the Argentine to United's transfer nemesis.

One group of fans that will be sweating this January more than anyone else though will be those bubble blowing Cockneys at Tevez's former club West Ham.

A host of Hammers have been linked with moves away from Upton Park although Gianfranco Zola will hope that the impending sales of Matthew Etherington to Stoke (£3.5m) and Callum Davenport to Bolton (£3m) could keep the wolf from the door. However, Scott Parker (Manchester City), Matthew Upson (Aston Villa), Craig Bellamy (various) and Julien Faubert (Rangers) are all still in demand.

Zola will not have much money to replace those players so he is looking to youth and will try and sign Brescia youngsters Savio Nsereko (19-year-old striker) and Bartosz Salamon (17-year-old midfielder), while City could throw in Michael Johnson to try and net Parker.

Arsenal's proposed bid for Andrei Arshavin could go through for as little as £10m or could be derailed because of wage demands depending on which paper you read. They could move for Portsmouth's Nico Kranjcar as an alternative if it all ends in tears

Manchester City and Internazionale could help each other out by swapping their unwanted strikers - with Jo going to Milan and Adriano to Manchester.

Everton are preparing a bid of £500,000 for Bristol City defender James Wilson but with Spurs and Arsenal also interested you feel the Championship club might be able to hold out for a little more money. The Toffees would also have to pay 16 times that amount (that's £8m for those of you who are rubbish at maths) for Racing Santander striker Mohamed Tchite, who is not as bad as his name suggests.

Stoke could add more African flavour to their team. They already have seven Africans on their books and they could be joined by Aruna Dindane (Lens) and Henri Camara (Wigan). Dutch striker Quincy Owusu-Abeyie who is Dutch but a Ghanaian international (does that count?) could also join the Afro-Potteries party if he moves back to England from Spartak Moscow.

West Brom want Marlon Harewood on loan from Aston Villa but the Midlands side will only settle on a permanent deal - so Tony Mowbray might move for Manchester United's Danny Welback instead. PSG's Peguy Luyindula and Benfica's Ariza Makukula are also on the Baggies' radar.

Blackburn want Fiorentina's sometimes brilliant, sometimes rubbish, Italian winger Franco Semioli and Sam Allardyce will be hoping that if he does sign he will settle better than Corrado Grabbi (remember him?) at Ewood Park.

El Hadji Diouf looks a more likely signing from Sunderland but Wigan will are also keen.

Aston Villa are set to sign 17-year-old defender Arsenio Halfhuid from Excelsior in Holland which looks a more sensible and considerably cheaper signing than Sporting Gijon's Roberto Canella who would cost £10m.

Portsmouth's woes in the transfer market continue with Lyon's Sidney Govou turning them down although Peter Crouch has said he will stay until the end of the season (and we can think of 70,000 good reasons a week for him to do so).

Tottenham will hope they have more luck than Pompey if they move for Govou's team-mate Fred.

Of course, everybody is waiting for Spurs to just go ahead and sign Stewart Downing, and if that move finally goes through, Middlesbrough will bid for Celtic's Aidan McGeady as a replacement although the £10m asking price could be a stumbling block.

Celtic could also lose goalkeeper Artur Boruc to Newcastle if the Magpies sell Shay Given to Manchester City.

Staying in the North-East (with a dollop of North-West) and Boro and Bolton both want Grant Leadbitter from Sunderland.

A couple of Championship rumours are doing the rounds too. Wolves have offered a cash plus player deal for John-Joe O'Toole but his club Watford want cash only. Reading could pounce instead as they continue to act as a feeder club for the Irish national team.

Meanwhile, QPR, Bristol City and Southampton could bid all £1.5m for Leeds player Bradley Johnson whose future looks to lie away from Elland Road.

Seán Fay / Eurosport