Tour de France - Blazin' Saddles: An apology

Eurosport - Tue, 08 Jul 17:44:00 2008

After watching a rambunctious stage finish in Nantes, Blazin' Saddles has to hold his hands up and make some grovelling, heartfelt apologies to France and her cyclists.

CYCLING 2008 Tour de France Samuel Dumoulin Romain Feillu - 0

Yesterday, when a four-man 100-percent-French break was pipped at the line, Blazin' Saddles saw the easy option and devoted his daily blog to ridiculing the once-great nation responsible for masterminds such as Naploeon, Asterix, De Gaulle and Jacques Chirac.

But Blazin' Saddles was wrong to discount such a strong and proud patrie because, one day on, the Tricolor is now flying high all over the Tour.

What is more, stage three winner Samuel Dumoulin and his sidekick Romain Feillu, the new maillot jaune, had to overcome the odds to triumph after yet another blustery, rain-swept day in the saddle.

Look at Dumoulin, for example. Standing small at a mere 1m 59cm (or 5'2"), the pocket Hercules Cofidis rider is the most diminutive man in the peloton. Placed next to his polar opposite, Silence Lotto's gentle giant Johan Van Summeren, who stretches a whole 1m 97cm, Dumoulin would just about be able, depending on the length of his tongue, to lick the Belgian's nipples.

Prior to Monday's stage win, the only victory of considerable merit obtained by Dumoulin - whose name translates as 'of the mill', which is funny given his uncanny resemblance to Ricky Gervais's Andy Millman in Extras - came in the 2005 Dauphine.

One year earlier, the hapless man-child even got knocked off his bike by a small lap dog during the Tour and was forced to abandon, a feat so bizarre it almost surely beats Herve Duclos-Lassalle's lunchtime tumble on stage one.

And what of the Tour of Britain champion Feillu? On Sunday, his Agributel team-mates - the illustrious Christophe Moreau and the local-boy David Le Lay - were caught short with kilometres to spare. Who would have thought that a day later the lowly cattle-prodders would be boasting the new yellow jersey in their ranks?

Especially given the fact that the 24-year-old sprinter from Chateaudun's early season was severely hampered by a bout of toxoplasmosis.

Sound bad? Well it is. If not treated, this fierce-sounding ailment can cause severe damage to the brain, liver, heart or kidneys (ie. the best bits sold in most French butchers).

Strangely enough, one of the principal forms of transmitting toxoplasmosis is through the ingestion of cat faeces, which raises serious doubts about Feillu's off-season training programme - and begs the question, has he been watching too much South Park?

Blazin' Saddles is reliably informed that cat poo can also find its way into one's mouth after extensive bouts of gardening and/or building castles in children's sandpits. Either way, it's not looking good for Feillu

Anyway, Blazin' Saddles is being sidetracked. What he really intended to say was simply Vive La France!

---

Only until Tuesday, mind. The race's opening time trial - an unusually short 29.5km jamboree around the agricultural town of Cholet in the Loire - will put the sword to Feillu's unlikely rise and no doubt see Fabian Cancellara decked out in yellow.

Now Cholet has been rather greedy this year. It may only have a population of 54,000, have a name derived from the latin word for 'cabbage' and be renowned solely for the industrial fattening of its livestock, but Cholet has the accolade of being both a start and arrival town of the Tour one day, and a ville de depart the next.

Buying the rights of having the Tour visit your town never comes cheap, but the local politicians of Cholet are still prepared to shell out masses of dosh to ensure the townsfolk have a couple of days they will never forget.

On Sunday, an organised ride over the route was put on, while on Monday night, for a whole three hours, all eyes were on the sand pit (careful now you don't want to do a Feillu) with a mega tip-top boule tournament featuring a cluster of local celebrities.

It doesn't stop there as night-time entertainment included dancing and a concert given by the famous composer Eric Landman and the singer Emmanuel Moine (who Blazin' Saddles is sure he saw in a film once on late-night Canal+).

This was followed by a fireworks display - or as the French so graphically phrase it 'une spectacle pyrotechnique' - above the town lake. Presiding over the start on Tuesday morning, the famous car driver Paul Belmondo - and sadly not the funny-faced thespian Jean-Paul - will be charging up the ambiance alongside the octogenarian former Auxerre football coach, Guy Roux.

Phew - what a couple of days. Oh yes, and there will also be an individual time trial, won by Fabian Cancellara. You see, Blazin' Saddles has given this some thought: the last time the Tour visited Cholet was during the Festina scandal-hit 1998 Tour.

Besides being rather unfairly associated with the biggest ring of systematic doping the world of cycling has ever seen, Festina are also a maker of watches. As are the Swiss. As is Cancellara (Swiss, that is, not a watch maker). He is also a bit of a chrono specialist.

---

Dirty laundry

Cholet, besides being the most important centre in France for the sale of fat cattle, sheep and pigs, is also renowned for its textiles, and in particular its linen handkerchiefs. (A word of warning - don't walk down the high street here with one of said handkerchiefs draped out your back pocket. Such tendencies, like Nicolas Sarkozy, do not go down well in rural France.)

With linen on the mind, Blazin' Saddles was reminded about something Lance Armstrong said before the Tour about certain teams "that have a laundry list of problems".

What could these problems be, Blazin' Saddles has been wondering? Here are a few ideas, but feel free to add your own at the end:

There is a lot of scope for soiled sheets at team Quick Step, especially when you consider one of their riders is called Matteo Tosatto. Just lucky that Frenchman Matthieu Sprick rides for their rivals Bouygues. And the Schleck brothers, come to think of it.

With a name like David Le Lay, Abritubel's beds probably see a bit of action. But surely the team with the most persistent laundry problems - whether it be in or out of the saddle or bed - must be Liquigas. Blazin' Saddles remembers the last time he let out a runny one - it sure wasn't pleasant.

Plat du Jour

The Loire is famous for its delicious poultry and so take your pick from chicken, turkey, guinea fowl or quail and wash it down with a fruity Saumur dry white. If you fancy something a little stronger as a digestif, then why not pour yourself a glass of Cointreau, which is distilled nearby.

Lanterne Rouge

The mention of boule earlier has Blazin' Saddles's creative mind in a flurry. Who do you think, of cyclists past and present, would make the best force down the local boulodrome?

Having spoken to a few of his distinguished contacts in the monde de pedale, Blazin' Saddles is happy to report that Lance Armstrong was allegedly a devil at the game. Rumour has it the American was so good he only needed one ball to beat all his opponents.

Watch live coverage of every stage on your PC via the Eurosport player - click on the link under the picture to subscribe.

Or watch the action on British Eurosport - available in the UK on Sky channel 410 and Virgin Media channel 521 or British Eurosport 2 - available on Sky 411 and Virgin Media 525

Felix Lowe / Eurosport

Comment 1 - 12 of 12

Sort comments by: Most recent | Most rated
  1. Another fascinating blend of history, culture and velo-journalism. Between LiquiGas and Lance's lonely snag, I nearly coughed up my baguette in laughter. Good family fun. Allez!

    From Mr. S, on Wed 9 Jul 3:08PM
  2. Looks like Schumi read my post in yesterdays Blazing Saddles :-)

    Go Michael Go :-)

    On the subject of Michaels I see Big Phil has expressed a preference for Lampard over Ballack so looks like the Big Boy will be coming to WHUFC afterall :-)

    From Art T, on Tue 8 Jul 8:44PM
  3. horrible!

    From canneysmith, on Tue 8 Jul 2:49PM
  4. HELLO FROM AUS!! Loved the joke at the end about Lance's boule habits... and the harsh reminder about Festina watches! Could be better though, although yesterday's french breakaway piece was priceless. Think people should lighten up a bit - this isn't mant to be srious. Don't think Cancellara will win today though - CADEL ALL THE WAY!!

    From trunch33, on Tue 8 Jul 1:57PM
  5. rubbish

    From kneel, on Tue 8 Jul 12:47PM
  6. worst article i have started to read. lost interest about licking male nipples! WTF?

    you are the one who needs to aplogize for this trash story.

    From First L, on Tue 8 Jul 12:37PM
  7. I always thought it was Saumur. What did you think of the Cavendish interview last night?

    From malbowness, on Tue 8 Jul 11:18AM
  8. xaxaxaxaxaxa

    From kagoyras_paylos, on Tue 8 Jul 11:14AM
  9. I almost laughed but managed to contain myself.
    Anthony (Spain)

    From anthony p, on Tue 8 Jul 11:08AM
  10. Almost funny, but actually was excruciatingly bad. Give up this writing job and do something more your level like pulling pints. Sorry to be a bit nasty, but credit where credit's due.

    From Gordon Kenneway (Yahoo), on Tue 8 Jul 10:45AM
  11. haha your sense of humor is like a break away in the peloton world of boring cycling essays.

    From lherz, on Tue 8 Jul 9:05AM
  12. snore...

    From El Quaveros, on Tue 8 Jul 8:58AM
Sort comments by: Most recent | Most rated

Not already a Yahoo! user ? to get a free Yahoo! Account