Liverpool fans were recently overwhelmingly voted by­ UEFA as the best fans in the world. They are so good,­ that they don't need to buy tickets to watch cup­ finals. Instead, they don their genuine Reebook­ Classique trainers, and run as fast as they can at the­ gates shouting Norwegian obscenities and 'Justice­ for the 96'. Young Liverpool fans, are so­ unselfish, that they often travel to European games,­ handing out their own tickets to older fans who are­ more deserving to go the game. Bless 'em.­
Liverpool fans are known for possessing several­ distinctive qualities: grace in victory and defeat,­ modesty, an unrivalled knowledge of the game and, most­ of all, dignity. The club oozes class from top to­ bottom, and it shows through in all of their actions,­ on and off the pitch. When things go wrong, some clubs­ try to pass the buck. Not Liverpool. When guilty of a­ misdemeanour, some clubs blame everyone but themselves.­ Not Liverpool. Some football fans sing about tragedies­ and malicious rumours. Not Liverpool. They are a credit­ to their city, their country, their continent, indeed­ their planet. Football salutes them. (It is important­ to adopt a sarcastic tone when reading this). It is­ worth noting that all liverpool players sign a legally­ binding contaract, written on toilet roll, that­ includes a clause allowing their own fans to burgal­ their teams players on the occasion of their home­ debut. All items are stolen and exchanged for food­ stamps ( Liverpools currency of choice )

Fans
Getting to Anfield is not easy for the majority of­ Liverpool fans as most have to come from the 1980s to­ get there, negating the Space/Time Continuum on the­ way. Because of this, many of them take an obsolete­ piece of clothing to matches known as ‘scarves’ (stolen­ of course) which the insist on holding aloft at the end­ of every game even when they lose for some unknown­ reason. This is because there is no more intimidating­ sight in world football than 30,000 blokes with perms­ and tashes holding scarves above their heads. Possibly­ they also want to shield themselves from the plastic­ cups of human excrement being hurled from the upper­ tier.
The club anthem “You’ll Never Walk Alone Because­ I'll Always Be There For You Every Day And Every­ Night Having You By My Side Until The Day That I Die­ ooooh baby” or to make it short,­ "YNWABIABTFUEDAENHUBMSUTDIDOOOOHBABY" is sung­ at every game when Liverpool are winning and became a­ tradition. This emerged not, as is widely believed,­ because Liverpudlians Barry and the Bindippers­ popularised the song, but because it is advisable for­ opposition fans not to walk home alone after a match­ against Liverpool. It is rarely heard, however, when­ the team looks likely to lose. This is because most of­ the fans will have already left to catch the last train­ back down south or are busy getting revenge by stealing­ the opposition's hubcaps.
At the start of every­ new season, Liverpool fans (and normally the manager)­ will claim they will win the league this time. They­ flood football phone-ins convinced it is their year,­ vote en masse in Sky Sports and teletext polls and­ continue throughout the season until it is­ mathematically impossible for them to do so (usually­ around November). They then switch to saying that­ they’ll win it next year instead. This self-delusional­ process takes place to allay deep-seated fears among­ the support that they are no longer a big club, having­ not won tbe league since 1066. Instead they resor

Current Squad
John Manel Rrine
Daniel­ "Suckin" Martini
Mikeley­ Ni-"Hey"-Tov
Christ the Itantge
Dan­ "Egg" Egger
Elnavo "Ouch" Albelao­
Nabio "Not Fabio" Euralleo
Janson­ "Vice Cap" Garread-her
Amilionnoe Outsau­
Sheptenni from Darby County
Steven Ginnan
Sam Me­ Hipphia
Mickey "Mouse" Ropeque
Markus­ Schtel
Patrick Enderson
Xavier Alnonso
Lawrence­ Laiva
Naniel Al Charles
Steven "The criminal­ going down" Gerrard
Messi Senayong
Mark Yenjalaz­
Johnny Besgeranoe
Scholes Eto'o
Joe Bennard­
Alan loves Cooper
Eddie Woroedin
Peter Chrouche­
Yran Lebab
Berry Carwell
Fernando @#$%

Past players
Diving Keegan
Moaning Dog-Leash
Phil­ 'back pass' Neal
Bruce Grubbyliar
Emlyn­ 'Helium' Hughes
Jason Racketeer
Calamity­ James
Mark 'porn star tash' Lawrenson
Steve­ 'I'm moving to a bigger club'­ McManamanamanaman
Na na na na na na Spackman!
Ian­ Thrush
John Couldnthitabarnesdoor
Robbie 'drug­ addict' Fowler
#Emile 'he's fallen over­ again' heskey
Igor Biscuitman
Dribble, Sissy!­
Jimmy 'hog farmer' Traore
Floren the­ cinema-going pongy goalie
Fernando 'did well in­ Spain' Morientes
Pinocchio Thompson
John­ 'penalty king' Aldridge
Yosser Souness
Mark­ Wrong
Phil Crabb
Alan 'Rapist' Kennedy
Neil­ Haddock
Daniel Davies ( Bench Warmer )

Jerry Mashya @#$%. Owned by the Argentinian mafia. Ask­ about his contract and you'll be sleeping with­ Diego Maradona before the day is out.
Jermaine "I­ Smashed Cashley's Car" Pennant. Holder of a­ club record 27 ASBOs, currently tagged and out on bail.­
Craig "yes it would seem like a good idea to hit­ my team 'mate'on the head with a f**king golf­ club" Bellamy (ie THE NUTTER WITH THE PUTTER). A­ loutish, gobby and obnoxious waste of oxygen from the­ land of sheep, leeks and rugger, he found his spiritual­ home later in Man City, getting paid millions to watch­ that Ecuadorian guy fail. Peter Crotch- 27ft striker,­ believed to be the b**tard offspring of the Jolly Green­ Giant and an orphaned giraffe (both deny this).­ Particularly adept at basketball and dancing. Less­ adept at heading, tackling, trapping, scoring, passing­ and dribbling. Made his name playing Lurch in the­ Addams Family.
@#$%, Fly a Kuyt commonly known as @#$%­ @#$%, formally known as Sloth, and starred in the­ documentary the Goonies. Looks like Ian Dowie's­ retarded son and has a similar goalscoring record.­
Flabio Aurelio. A porky, balding latino who isn't­ very good. Another of Rafa's long lost love childs?­ The test results are still being processed....
Harry­ "Leeds Reject" Kewl - injured currently,­ injured previously, injured subsequently. Rumoured to­ be a footballer. Eye-witnesses beg to differ. When he­ does play, the club is offing "I've seen Harry­ Kewell Play" badges, so far, none have been sold­ as Kewell is still injured.
Daniel Dagger Related to­ Agger the terrible, an old viking soldier who raped and­ attacked young children. He also played for Millwall­ but was sold for being too soft. Has never done­ cocaine.
Ryan Bubble Plays at 'un-used­ substitute' position to great effect. Cost­ $47million from PSV Ajaxnoord. Bought after impressing­ in 30-second cameo for Holland reserves three years­ ago.

Pepe Rainier - Accident prone foreign goalkeeper in the­ tradition of Brucie "£50,000 in used notes­ please" Grubbyliar. Only bought because he is Rafa­ Benitez's son. Ugly f**ker, too. Plus bald, I mean­ whatthef**k, are you Vic Mackey or somefink?
­ Jamie's Car Agger - Never stepped out of Liverpool­ once. Is widely seen as the scousest scouser since­ Yosser Hughes. Jacked a few cars in his time. Popular­ with the fans. Less pace than a distracted mountain­ goat, and less articulate. After realising he­ wasn't good enough to play for England, he did the­ honourable thing and retired, saving the manager the­ trouble of not picking him. But if your a Liverpool fan­ he is probably the greatest defender in the world, who­ loves to try an pull off other mens shirts and riding­ Daniel Agger.
Big Sami Hoopia, Wants to be a striker,­ and sometimes uses Rainier's goal for practice.
­ Stevie Finished, thinks he is captain fantastic, john­ terry and rio ferdinand could easily trash his puny­ little *AHEM*
Momo "No more" Sissoko - blind­ as bats**t after Pako Ayesteran cut his rright eye ball­ out to make Ghoulash. Didn't take up the sport of­ football until 2010, which explains alot. Crabby­ "mind your legs" Alonso - Spanish hatchet man­ with a grudge against knees. Pupil of Didi Hamman and­ in turn taught Michael Essien everything he knows.­ This, coupled with his unique ability to get away with­ it, makes him a formidible opponent. Anichebe and Obi­ Wan Kenobi won't be praying for some time.
Speedy­ González - Lots of pace. And, er, that's it.­
Ronnie Flower - Fat, overrated, homophobic,­ coke-snorting waster and slum landlord. The locals call­ him God.
Fandango Tossehs Joined Liverpool for 2000­ pounds of Spanish gold and Senorita Benitez's hand­ in marriage. Noted for being the Mousers' 178th­ "final piece in the jigsaw", the fabled­ chosen one with the hopeless task of restoring the­ glory days (cf. Nigel "my name&

Players
Are absolutely superb, except when faced with­ Harry Potter or The Beast. On these occasions, they­ tend to disintegrate. At least seven players[citation­ needed] are confirmed as being the manager's­ offspring.

Steven GayRard
Thug on £3m a week. Jesus­ Christ! Average scouse wage is £3( See Jamie Carragher­ and Martin "Rapist" Skrtel)
Zzzztevie­ Gerrard MBE (AKA 'STEAL YA HUBCAPS.- He is stevie G­ - The G stands For GAY
One black moment in Mouser­ history threatened to change everything. Stevie decided­ they were not worthy of his greatness and considered­ joining a club who would pay him more money and still­ be in the title race after December. The masses were­ stirred. Stevie was burned in effigy. They burned his­ shirts. Mouser scientists produced a thesis arguing­ that he was not, in fact, even a scouser. The­ switchboards were jammed with mad scousers declaring­ their conversion from Stevieanity. They warned he­ should never come with a 100000000 mile radius of­ Scouseland. Someone even sent him Jimmy­ Starstruck's greatest hits. Then...he changed his­ mind. He said couldn't turn his back on his boyhood­ heroes or his people. He had to stay to lead the masses­ to the Promised Land. The new £500,000 a week contract­ was purely coincidental. Once again he was the Saviour­ of Scousekind. The shirt-burners bought new shirts, and­ returned to worshipping him. The incident was consigned­ to Room 101, never to be mentioned again, on pain of­ Echo and the Bunnymen being let loose on the airwaves.

"The most intimidating atmosphere in world­ football"
Their home ground is currently located­ in Anfield Road, but their spiritual home will always­ be Surrey, where most of their loyal fans are from.­ Liverpewl FC is one of the most talked about clubs in­ the world, cursed by Mancs (Manchester United­ Supporters) due to their scouser's obsession with­ the red devils. The stadium is unique in that every­ food and beverage on offer contains the native­ Liverpool ingredient of diseased rat, and that the­ seats are in fact made from hubcaps which have been­ collected over the years by their fans. It is also­ recognised that Analfield holds the world record for­ the largest gathering of "natural comedians! in­ history - there is also a claim lodged for the greatest­ number of poets, singers, unemployed, professional­ hubcap thieves etc.
Liverpool are officially the­ greatest team ever to perform a group-strip in public.­ (They havent won the premiership for 18 years, (in fact­ they've never won the FA Premier League, ever since­ 1992!) but telling them this results in castration­ followed by a 3 hour lecture on history, and how­ neither blues**te has any history. Unfortunately,­ there's no future in history). The one blot on­ their otherwise unblemished football record is a loss­ in the FA Cup final to the notorious football firm­ Wimbledon (now renamed and relocated on the moon),­ which was followed by the entire Liverpool footballing­ world... yes you guessed it, stripping. Well the Red­ Half of Scouseland at least. Everyone else was­ rejoicing like t'was 1945 all over again. Reports­ of another football team in Liverpool/Merseyside are at­ this time sketchy. "Tranmere Rovers" is not­ technically a football team, but a pub on Coronation­ St. Liverpool had, and always will have, a divine right­ to win the league title every season, even if they are­ @#$%. This must not be questioned. Ever. Liverpool are­ also the only team to have ever faced the same team­ twice