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Gossip Shop awoke to a startling, recession-busting revelation. Christmas shoppers are doing it all online these days and GS needs to move now or spiral towards a depressing Woolworths-esque demise.

If Amazon can make trillions by allowing lazy people to buy and wrap everything from the sanctity of their desk, then GS surely needs to offer a similar service to lazy Premier League managers.

For this reason, in 2009 we will be launching GossipShop.com, an online marketplace for lazy Premier League managers to buy their over-priced, over-hyped and over-paid footballers on.

The site will naturally take some time to develop, but for those of you who are curious, here is how the listings might look.

RONALDO, CRISTIANO, £1 billion: Pouting Portuguese prima donna seeks new club to further enhance already gargantuan ego. Must be based in Madrid, Spain and compete in La Liga. Unfortunately, Atletico Madrid will not be considered.

OWEN, MICHAEL, £25 million: Tired of filling your team with obnoxious morons? We have the answer. Remember that goal at France '98? You know, the one where little Mikey Owen sped past several Argentines before shooting into the top corner? Think only of that moment and dig deep to bring the world's nicest striker back to life at your top-four Premier League outfit.

KEANE, ROBBIE, £250,000: Broken-hearted Irishman seeks new home for his once ubiquitous pretend cartwheels. For just £250k you can land the man everybody was talking about in 2008, and watch in awe as he spends an entire season in your line-up NOT SCORING ANY GOALS! A must for the team that never gets any media coverage!

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Back to the real world; and the news that John Arne Riise has told Newcastle to go whistle and will be staying at Roma until a more attractive offer comes his way - like one from Bolton or Stoke perhaps.

Another man shunning a move to the North East is Ivica Olic. The Hamburg striker has attracted the attentions of Middlesbrough manager Gareth Southgate, but rebuffed his advances in record time.

"I don't think they are the type of club that Ivica would consider at this stage," said his agent, in a statement GS translates translates thus: "Who are Middlesbrough? You're kidding, what nerve! He'd rather give up altogether than go there. Whatever next, an offer from the MLS!"

The Daily Star are telling us Manchester City's Elano could be on his way to Spain. Mark Hughes is said to want £9m for the midfielder and strangely enough Espanyol are lurking with intent. A loan deal could come first, with a permanent move to be arranged in the summer.

One man who may struggle with GS's internet revolution is Harry Redknapp, who likes things just the way they are and enjoys nothing more than a good old-fashioned barter.

The Tottenham manager is apparently set to splurge on England trio Glen Johnson, Matthew Upson and Stewart Downing in the January window. Redknapp is also interested in Bordeaux's Argentine forward Fernando Cavenaghi.

Whether Daniel Levy fronts the cash or not is probably irrelevant. Like Red in The Shawshank Redemption (the favourite film of every Premier League footballer) Redknapp surely knows a man who can get things.

Eurosport