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Paul Kimmage's one dimensional probing of Lance Armstrong ahead of the Tour of California was an insightful piece of anthropology.

Now Blazin' Saddles is not one to make lousy, stupid, eejit Irishman jokes, but calling arguably the world's most inspiring cancer campaigner and best rider the "cancer of cycling" was always a tad foolhardy.

It's a bit like brazenly telling an iconic one-legged personality (s)he hasn't got a leg to stand on - or worse, telling a blind narcoleptic to wake up and see the light.

Yes, the Irish journalist (pictured centre) and former pro does have the backbone to ask the questions that so many don't dare, but his latest assault made him look a bitter and uncompassionate man. Which, essentially, is what he is.

Ever since Kimmage's own cycling career (three Tours in the late 80s, one completed in 131st place, one ninth place stage finish) ended, he has blamed the doping climate of the peloton for shattering his dreams.

His subsequent book Rough Ride spilled the beans on his colleagues' systematic drug taking and earned Kimmage universal vilification. He had spat in the pot Belge, so to speak. Verily, what goes on the Tour, stays on the Tour.

Talk about breaking the code - even Alan Turing would have approved.

Undeterred, Kimmage has used The Sunday Times as a launch-pad in his quest to hound the dopers, and last year greeted Armstrong's return with the claim that "the cancer's out of remission".

Frankly, this was astonishing. Regardless of Armstrong's past - and he has never officially tested positive - cycling is men in Lycra while cancer is, to be blunt, death. Hence Lance's brutal, personal assault on Kimmage last week.

Below are some extracts from the press conference (with BS commentary and scoring in brackets).

PK: "What is it about these dopers that you seem to admire so much?" (Actually, it's a pertinent question. 1-0 Kimmage)

LA: "Excuse me, what is your name again? (Nice faux naivety: he knows full well who he is. Equaliser: 1-1)

PK: "Paul Kimmage, Sunday Times. I asked for an interview but didn't get one." (Are you surprised?)

LA: "The reason why you didn't get it Paul (1-2 simply for his use of Kimmage's first name) - I wanted to make sure that was you because I don't know what you look like (he knows full well: 1-3 for mind games) - when I decided to come back, for what I think is a very noble reason (2-3: unnecessary - reeks of self-grandeur), you said, 'Folks, our cancer has now returned' - meaning me. I am here to fight this disease..... (2-4 for his fixing gaze and calm demeanour)

"So it goes without saying (but I'll say it anyway - classic: 2-5), no we are not going to sit down and do an interview. You are not worth the chair you are sitting on with a statement like that, with a disease that touches everyone around the world." (2-6: he has put himself above the sport and has a point)

"Now to answer your question, in fairness to you, although I'm not sure you deserve it. (2-7: by now, Kimmage looks ridiculous)

"Do we make mistakes, all of us? Absolutely. As a society are we supposed to forgive and forget and let people get back to their job. Absolutely. (3-7: hardly an admission of guilt, but not the best retort either)

"I'm not sure I will ever forgive you for that statement. And I'm not sure that anybody around the world affected by this disease will forgive you." (3-8: back to what he does best)

PK: "You don't have a patent on cancer. (4-8: excellent point; despite the 'noble' cause, Lance often deflects attention with his cancer shield) I've lost people too. (4-9: oh Paul, that's a bit like pulling the 'I have friends who are black' line) I'm interested in the cancer of doping in cycling. That has been my life's work! I raced as a professional and I exposed it. Then you come along and the problem disappears." (4-10: sorry, what's that whining noise?)

So, there you have it. Armstrong emerges victorious. Although this is but round one.

In a rare pique of seriousness, BS is going to say this: Kimmage can be a good, captivating writer, but such personal quests do not add up to quality investigative journalism. Isn't he the other side of a tarnished coin? Kimmage may see his own quest as noble, but in truth it is as blinkered, selfish and morally dubious as the dopers ruining the sport.

After the press conference, Kimmage reportedly told a colleague: "If that (agitating Armstrong) is the only thing on my epitaph, I will die a happy man." That kind of sums it up, really.

And yet, just as cycling needs the dopers in order to prove the tests are keeping the sport in check, so too does cycling need people like Kimmage asking the questions and spitting in the soup.

The problem here is that cancer clearly doesn't need such a man. And nor does Lance need someone p***ing on his parade.

Back to the racing.

The 3.9 km prologue in California was the first real litmus test to measure the condition of Armstrong since coming out of retirement.

On the last occasion Armstrong came up against Fabian Cancellara in a prologue, the Swiss prevailed, beating the American by two seconds on a 6.1km course around Liege on the opening day of the 2004 Tour.

So, what can we read into Armstrong's 10th place ride? Well, you could say that his 4.2 second deficit shows he's lost more than 50 per cent of time to Cancellara over the last five years (and over a shorter distance).

You could say that, after so long out of the saddle and yet so early into the season, Armstrong is already nearing the condition that he was in back in 2004.

You could say that Cancellara was ill and so that gap should really be 14 seconds. You could say that Armstrong was bluffing, that he was over achieving, that it's Paul Kimmage's fault for stealing his special time-trial bike (to be confirmed, although, for want of a better phrase, the two have bad blood).

In fact, you could say anything. But you could also just shut up: this is a unique situation, Armstrong has never retired and returned before, he has never raced so early in the season before - nothing can be read into anything. Ever. At all.

A fiery race

According to Garmin-Chipotle's Lucas Euser, US chrono specialist David Zabriskie is in the form of his life. The American "means business" this year and is "the real deal". In a possible bid to break a cliché Guinness World Record, Euser then said Zabriskie was "on fire at training camp". Surely not the best way to prepare for a race? [Boom boom]

Road rage

In other news, Belgium's Roy Sentjens spent around five hours in a Mallorca jail last week after being rumbled riding through a cordoned off construction zone. Along with two young Spaniards, the Silence-Lotto rider got involved in a "violent protest" with "aggressive" road workers who had demanded a 10,000 euro fine for the misdemeanour.

The cycling police were called and 28-year-old Roy was taken to a local constabulary and held until the misunderstanding was sorted out. His team manager Marc Sergeant told Cyclingnews that all riders involved "got a good laugh out of it" and were released without - wait for it! - being 'Sentjensed'. (Oh, the lengths BS goes for another truly poor gag.)

Quote of the week

Is BS the only one who thinks it's hilarious that Floyd Landis - the man who has the joints of a pensioner - is riding for a team called OUCH? Anyway, the Bionic Man's pre-race preparations were dealt a blow after he tumbled in training. A team statement said: "After evaluation by OUCH medical staff, his injuries were determined to be minor and limited to bruising. His surgically repaired hip is fine."

And finally

Well done to Dave Longhurst for correctly guessing Bradley Wiggins's favourite holiday destination: Mallorca's Port de Pollencia. This week, send in your Kimmage, OUCH and Roy Sentjens jokes.

Felix Lowe / Eurosport