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When Manchester United splashed out £17 million on Owen Hargreaves they were meant to be getting the best of both worlds.

As a Bayern Munich player, he developed a strangely German accent that suggested the height of Teutonic efficiency.

And as a member of the England midfield, United got the heady buzz of paying a vastly inflated price for the mop-haired water carrier just because he holds the right passport.

However, like a second-hand BMW from Honest Bob's Cut-'n'-Shut Autos, Hargreaves has behaved less like a Bavarian thoroughbred than a 1983 Lada Riva.

Constant mechanical failures and breakdowns have mingled with a suggestion that somebody has fiddled with the clock - Hargreaves was reportedly given a smacked backside (pictured) several times last season because of his poor time-keeping.

Sir Alex Ferguson knows when he has been sold a pup, having once shelled out £28m on the "f****** great" Juan Sebastian Veron, and is preparing to cut his losses.

He won't have to look far to find an ambitious side gullible enough to take a gamble on a proven crock.

Tottenham Hotspur, Newcastle and Manchester City are already wearily getting their cheque books ready in anticipation of another wasted £15m.

Fergie wants to use the loot to strengthen his defence, although it remains a mystery why he would seek to do so by signing a left-back famous only for his free-kicks.

Still, Gareth Bale won't be complaining if a £15m move from Tottenham to Manchester United comes to fruition.

At this point, Gossip Shop will acknowledge that it is rather long and rambling today. But come on, it's Sunday. Relax, settle down. The strimming can wait.

In the trailer for the 'hilarious' ego-massaging project that was the Cesc Fabregas Show, the Arsenal midfielder featured in a scene with his agent.

He angrily told Mr Twelve-and-a-half Percent that he was not interested in money - all he wanted was his own TV programme.

Well guess what? It wasn't true. Not if you believe the back page of the News of the World, anyway.

Fabregas is said to have turned down a contract worth £90,000 a week, nearly double his current take-home wage.

The sticking point is not Arsenal's willingness, or lack thereof, to let him appear in rubbish comedy sketches, however.

He wants to escape tor Barcelona or Real Madrid if the Gunners end the season trophyless again, and this little impasse should create a molehill large enough for Marca to inflate into a Kilimanjaro-sized transfer saga.

Michael Owen has spent a career getting paid to do nothing. Well, by 'do nothing' Gossip Shop means 'sit around getting treatment for some injury or another'.

Well, he can't get injured if he doesn't play, which will surely be the outcome if Manchester City make good on their plan to take him off Newcastle's hands in January.

GS can't see him getting a game with Robinho, Jo and Ched Evans ahead of him in the pecking order, but no other club is prepared to pay him the £100,000-a-week salary he reportedly feels he merits.

Wigan have put their foot in it with Amr Zaki, the new Alan Shearer who scored two more against Liverpool on Saturday.

The Latics want to turn the Egyptian's loan deal into a permanent move, but face two obstacles.

Firstly, Zaki's Mary Poppins-esque play has attracted the interest of clubs who are, to be frank, much better than Wigan.

Also, Zaki has got the hump after Wigan fined him for his late return from international duty.

"He's fed up about the way he was treated," said a 'pal', desperately thumbing through the phone book for Benitez R M, Moyes D W and O'Neill M H M.

Turkey might have tried to call him Kazim Kazim on account of his geeky first name, but you know him as Colin Kazim-Richards.

And 18 months from now, Hull fans might know him as "I can't believe we spent £5m on..."

It must be nice to be David Beckham. Millions and millions in the bank, courtside seats for the LA Lakers and, seemingly, the right to turn up for training at any club he wishes.

See, Becks is no ordinary prima donna, who would normally look for an excuse to skive off.

No. Becks loves training so much he just turns up to a major club during the MLS close season with nothing a pair of boots and a tube of deep heat, and asks whether they'd mind awfully if he ran around some cones and played the odd five-a-side game.

Having spent last winter training at Arsenal (proximity to Beckingham Palace a big plus), he plans to spend several months this season with AC Milan (proximity to George Clooney's villa on Lake Como a bigger plus).

People you probably haven't heard of section

Why not look for clips of these youngsters on YouTube and pretend they are the new Pele?

Arsenal - Steven Defour (Standard Liege)

Portsmouth - Razak Boukari (Lens)

Manchester City - Kyle Naughton (Sheffield United)

Stoke City - Yssouf Kone (CFR Cluj)

Alex Chick / Eurosport