Paper Round: Henry does a Diego
No prizes for guessing what dominates the headlines this morning, but for those who (a) went to bed before 10 o'clock last night and (b) have ignored the slew of headlines on this very website this morning then here is the news:
Thierry Henry handballed 'cheats' France to victory over 'plucky' Ireland to reach the World Cup.
For brilliant Ireland, it was a cruel blow; for rubbish France, another bitter-sweet twist to their footballing woes; and for the headline writers of Fleet Street, the perfect early Christmas present.
"Hand of God II" screams the Daily Mail, picking up on the sort-of parallels between Henry helping keep the ball in play before crossing for the winner and Diego Maradona's infamous handball goal to put England out of the 1986 World Cup quarter-final.
The Sun also goes for the '86 parallel, chucking in a bit of Franglais to boot: "Le Hand of God" is the Currant Bun's line.
Also dabbling in Franglais is the Daily Express, whose "Le Cheat" is, while admirably direct, just a little bit lazy.
The same cannot be said for the Independent's effort: "Hand Gaul!" is pretty solid punning, even if it made Paper Round think of Asterix rather than a football match.
You can see what the Daily Star is going for with its "Va Va Fume", but we can't help thinking that they've erred in the other direction, trying just a little bit too hard by referencing a seven-year-old car advert.
For Paper Round's money, though, it's the Daily Mirror that takes the honours this morning with its utterly ridiculous "French Nickers". It's a line that walks the tricky tightrope between absolute crap and sublimely pointless surrealistic genius - in other words, the perfect tabloid headline.
In other news, the Sun and Mirror claim that Glen Johnson is having placenta therapy to help him recover from injury - a disgusting piece of medical quackery that involves having animal placenta injected into the affected limb.
Robin van Persie has also apparently tried the treatment, but Arsenal and Liverpool have both refused to comment on rumours that if it doesn't work then they'll move on to using leeches.
And finally, with the eyes of the footballing world on the World Cup shakedown there's not much transfer rumouring going on, but Fulham have apparently put £9 million to one side to hang on to veteran manager Roy Hodgson - who will be offered £1m a year - and star Norwegian defender Brede Hangeland. (The Sun)
Chelsea have apparently been given a definitive price tag for Argentina and Atletico Madrid wunderkid Sergio Aguero - and it'd be a new British record of £45m. Chuck in his £6m-a-year wage demands and that's quite an expensive player. Yet he's soooo good that he might actually be worth it. (Daily Express)
Marseille winger Hatem Ben Arfa could be set for a move to either Tottenham or Portsmouth in January after falling out with manager Didier Deschamps. (The Sun)
And there could be some good news for Addicks fans: with Carson Yeung's money burning a hole in their pockets, David and Ralph Gold are considering buying Charlton if they can't negotiate a deal for West Ham. (Mirror)