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With no football to speak of, the summer months are generally dominated by a glut of transfer rumours, protracted sagas and outright lies.

Some are quick to criticise columns such as eurosport.yahoo.com's very own Transfer Talk, as a waste of time at best, and worst a contributory factor to the money, egos and selfishness in the game today.

But the simple fact is, you love it. That means you. You continue to lap it up like a juvenile delinquent with an oh-so-summery pint of cider and ice cubes.

But what if it were all true? What if every predicted deal and scurrilous rumour actually happened? Well

After being dubbed 'El Ron', Cristiano Ronaldo becomes an unwitting poster boy for Iberian scientologists. United chief executive David Gill, from sheer force of habit, releases a statement reiterating that Ronaldo is not for sale, despite the fact that he has already scored 10 goals in his first six games at Real Madrid.

La Liga is taken by storm by the Portuguese, and Madrid fight off a strong challenge from Villarreal to win their third straight title, as well as passing the quarter-finals of the Champions League for the first time since 2002.

Chelsea pull off the greatest summer transfer haul ever by bringing in Kaka, Robinho and Samuel Eto'o. Kaka's reputation as a bastion of integrity and virtue is shattered as he removes his shirt to reveal a vest bearing the message "I belong to Roman".

Between the three of them they glide, weave and blast their way to the Premier League crown, with not a dodgy deflection or spawny scuff between them.

Those have all moved to Italy, where Frank Lampard helps Jose Mourinho cap his first season in Serie A by claiming the title. Striker Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Lamps become great pals, with the Swede quoted as saying: "I always thought I led the way when it came to arrogance. But the ego on this guy, it's breathtaking."

Back in England, with Dimitar Berbatov being the only addition to the Manchester United squad, the European champions push Chelsea all the way in the league. The sleek Bulgarian immediately establishes himself as the boss of the United attack and takes to deploying his heavies, Wayne Rooney and Carlos Tevez, to whack opposition defenders out of the way so he can cruise on through to finish in his trademark elegant fashion.

However, the continued deployment of Darren Fletcher and the continued expansion of Rooney costs them in the end.

Like a child playing his divorced parents against one another in order to secure bigger and better birthday presents, Rafael Benitez employs some devilish subterfuge to squeeze enough cash out of warring owners Tom Hicks and George Gillett to buy Gareth Barry , Robbie Keane and David Villa.

The acquisition of his entire wishlist proves to be yet another painful false dawn for Kopites. Rafa's continued refusal to drop his rotation system means that Villa and Keane get to watch Andriy Voronin partner Dirk Kuyt on several occasions, and both only play alongside Fernando Torres a handful of times.

In midfield, the duo of Barry and Steven Gerrard proves to be a revelation, and a media outcry ensues over England manager Fabio Capello's insistence on playing Lampard despite successive World Cup qualifying defeats at the hands of Kazakhstan and Belarus.

Furthermore, all that money spent on those three new additions eats into the fund for Liverpool's new stadium, shelving the project again and allowing Everton to sneak in and steal their Stanley Park site.

Over in Benitez's native Spain, Emmanuel Adebayor silences the doubters by scoring for fun at Barcelona, helping them to forget about the loss of Ronaldinho. The Catalan club's title challenge is derailed, though, as they are docked points for Adebayor and former Arsenal buddy Thierry Henry's excessive dance-offs during goal celebrations.

Another Spaniard, Juande Ramos, begins his first full season as Tottenham manager, and a lot is expected of Spurs, especially since the jaw-dropping (and budget-busting) recruitment of David Bentley , Diego Capel, Andrei Arshavin and Roman Pavlyuchenko.

White Hart Lane is once again treated to a season of exhilarating, goal-packed matches, and Spurs spend much of the season stalking Arsenal for that final Champions League place, only to see their dreams scuppered with a defeat to Everton with three games of the season left. To add insult to injury, the winner in that match is scored by Darren Bent who, freed from the constraints of the Spurs bench, finishes the season as the top-scoring Englishman once again.

Nobody could have guessed how much Spurs would miss the quartet of Steed Malbranque, Teemu Tainio, Younes Kaboul and Pascal Chimbonda when they were sold en masse to Sunderland. Roy Keane's side finish comfortably in mid-table, Malbranque and Tainio become fan favourites and Chimbonda hands in a transfer request on the final day of the season.

Aston Villa leapfrog Spurs into fifth place thanks to their two big summer signings, goalkeeper Paul Robinson and Valencia striker Nikola Zigic. The huge goal kicks of the former England number one combined with the aerial dominance of the towering Serb produce the most effective route one partnership since Beasant and Fashanu.

There are high hopes for Portsmouth fans as Harry Redknapp follows up the capture of Peter Crouch with that of winger Shaun Wright-Phillips to form a two-littles-and-a-large (or a meat-and-two-veg, as it becomes known) attack with Jermain Defoe, and all is going swimmingly for Pompey.

That is until SWP invites Defoe to spend evenings with him at Babe Central, the overnight adult channel he owns a stake in, resulting in many missed training sessions and a complete loss of form for the duo.

Middlesbrough immediately rocket up the table upon signing all-action midfielder Jimmy Bullard, and end up just missing out on a European spot. Fulham battle against relegation once again, following the loss of Bullard and Brian McBride. Even the sight of their new striker Andy Johnson sporting a long shaggy blonde wig is not enough to inspire them onwards and upwards.

On Tyneside, Newcastle boss Kevin Keegan declares his new winger Aaron Lennon to be the best midfielder in the country, and the St James' Park crowd make him an instant hero due to his dazzling wing play. They finish 12th.

Tony Mabert / Eurosport