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It's the moment you've been waiting for, Blazin' Saddles cranks out his 2009 Tour de France predictions.

After crushing the field in the prologue in Monaco, Lance Armstrong can't contain his excitement on Twitter: "Eat that AC, who's team leader now? @levi: they fell for the collarbone trick, eh?"

Jens Voigt soon steals yellow after an unlikely solo break in the opening stage, which he wins by 32 minutes alongside Oscar Periero (an old-hand at this kind of thing) and Tommy Voeckler, now in green.

The pancake-flat Stage 2 to La Grande Motte looks ideal for Mark Cavendish but is won, incredibly, by a little-known Basque climber who thought the finish was, understandably given its name, atop the Alpine resort of Tignes. Rumour spreads that the Euskaltel rider is none other than footballer Petr Cech in the bright orange Chelsea goalkeeping strip, but the rider's abilities on corners lay rest to this tenuous gag.

In fact, Cavendish fails to win any of the sprints in the opening week, miraculously being pipped each time to the post by unheralded French sprinters in the mould of Romain Feillu and Sebastian Chavanel.

Outraged, Cav retires before the first Pyrenean peaks "to focus on the Worlds and the Vuelta. I've got nothing to prove here, anyway. Besides, Paris sucks." In his absence, evergreen George Hincapie leads himself out to a sprint win in his 14th Tour before vowing "to race till I'm as old as Christophe Moreau".

The team time trial is won comprehensively by Astana after some out-of-this-world pulling by sole Kazakh rider Dmitry Muravyev. "That's why he's here," says Johan Bruyneel, answering the question previously on everybody's lips.

Meanwhile, tired of constant jokes mocking his diminutive stature, Samuel Dumoulin, the imp of the peloton at a paltry 1.59m, tries out some special Sidi cycling shoes that add a few inches to his height. "They were a present from President Sarkozy," Sammy reveals.

On to the Pyrenees, where Contador reasserts his leadership over his team-mates after attacking moments after sending both Levi Leipheimer and Armstrong back to the team car to fetch fresh water bidons.

Voigt sheds the yellow after losing 20 minutes alongside both Schleck brothers on the roads to Andorra in an episode swiftly entitled "Saxo Bonk".

Days later, on Bastille Day, a co-ordinated cross-team Gallic-attack occurs, leading to a 15-man breakaway containing 14 Frenchmen and token Irishman Nicolas Roche, who hijacked the move on the back of his "my mother is French" credentials.

A nationalistic storm breaks out when Roche emerges from the mist - "And there's a rider coming from behind. Who's that? It's Nicky Roche! This is unbelievable," exclaims Phil Liggett over on ITV4 - to take victory on July 14. Atop the podium, Roche mutters under his breath: "Vive l'Irelande", resulting in Bernard Hinault losing it and swinging a punch at the youngster.

Roche's cousin, Dan Martin, steps in, lamping the iconic Frenchman and providing the spur that sees rioters take to the street and ransack all Connemara-themed Irish pubs in the country. Despite labelling the "Irish immigrants" as "scum", President Sarkozy manages to quell the uprising.

Days later, Armstrong enlists the help of friend Hincapie on Twitter to "do one" on Contador, resulting in the Spaniard being run off the road at top speed.

The move comes back to haunt Armstrong when, on the subsequent ascent to Verbier, he gets his laptop cord caught in his spokes while uploading pictures of his son Max on Twitpics. The seven-times Tour champion breaks his healthy collarbone, but vows to race on, citing Tyler Hamilton as inspiration. "Don't worry," he adds, "I'm not depressed, nor do I have asthma".

Slowly moving up the standings, meanwhile, is Agritubel veteran Moreau after his attempts to "do a Virenque" and win the polka-dot jersey see him hit new summits of crazed unlikelihood.

Quizzed about his puzzling, sudden disappearance from last year's race - where he quit inexplicably and refused to open the door to inquisitive journalists - Moreau draws a parallel to Jenson Button's experience in the Brawn Honda.

"Like Jenson, I was terrible last year, but I knew my mechanics were working on a good bike for me this season and so I - how do you say? - threw in the sponge to fix my mind on this, my final Tour. I feel I now have the same kind of form as in '98. My timing is impeccable - like a Festina watch."

Meanwhile, the first ITT is won, by a chin, by Fabian Cancellara, with Cadel Evans, by another chin, taking second. A journalist questioning Evans after the stage steps on his dog Molly's tail and is subsequently chinned by the Australian. "There's your interview," Cadel quips.

On the climb up Mont Ventoux, Denis Menchov's challenge ends after he bizarrely crashes while unwrapping a fruit-roll up in the feeding zone. Moreau takes the stage - "How do you say I am on top of the moon" - but only after banned Ricardo Ricco makes an unscheduled appearance.

Dressed in a snakeskin body suit, Ricco minces up the lunar slope ahead of the peloton, goading his former colleagues. Afterwards, he says: "I wanted to return to the Tour with humility and remind the sceptics that even without drugs, the Cobra has a sting in his tail." Gazzetta runs the headline: "Buona CERA, Ricco."

With Moreau all but crowned, at 38, the oldest winner in the Tour's history and pledging allegiance to Agritubel for another year, the fireworks on the Champs Elysees are provided by Armstrong and Contador who, led out by team-mates Leipheimer and Sergio Paulinho respectively, dash to the line with all guns ablaze. Armstrong shades it, whereby book-marking his return with stage wins.

"That was always the plan," he says. "Firstly, I wanted to p*ss off Alberto, but by winning the first and last stages - where there is most TV coverage - I have got the Livestrong message out."

The whole charade is a great PR coup for Kazakhstan, whose tourism industry booms. In recognition, Lance is bestowed the "snow leopard" award for services to Kazakhstan, on condition that he allows Alexandre Vinokourov back into the team.

After a disastrous Tour, Contador signs for Agritubel for the next season in what L'Equipe describe as a "dream team" for the cattle-prod merchants. "With Moreau's experience and Contador's support as lieutenant, maybe France will have another winner next year." Snubbed by Armstrong, Vino signs up too.

Runner-up Evans takes consolation in the polka-dot jersey but suffers a personal loss when mutt Molly passes away after eating an omelette destined for the plate of team-mate Thomas Dekker. A post mortem concludes the eggs used were "less-than-fresh".

And finally, Tom Boonen, allowed to race after all, takes green while the white goes to Voeckler, on the grounds that he still looks like a teenager.

And that, mes amis, is that.

QUOTES OF THE WEEK: "Yes." Controversial former rider Jorg Jaksche's reply when asked whether he thought the 2009 Tour winner would be a doper.

"There are a few riders who are clean, that may well be but it's not very many." Disgraced Bernhard Kohl breaks the ages-old cycling epithet "What goes on (in the) Tour, stays on (the) Tour."

SADDLE BACK: BS will be bringing you a daily blog during the Tour and regular updates on www.twitter.com/saddleblaze. Send in your tips, suggestions and observations...

Felix Lowe / Eurosport