It's the moment you've all been waiting for: after hours of gazing into his crystal ball, Saddles cranks out his 2010 Tour de France predictions.
No surprises as Fabian Cancellara creams the opening prologue - and the Swiss speedster becomes the first rider in history to race on an entirely transparent bike in a bid to allay accusations of motor doping. No such luck for Edvald Boassan Hagen, who finds himself in a shroud of suspicion after his bike is found in a puddle of petrol at the finish line.
Early tension hits the RadioShack camp after Janez Brajkovic betters Lance Armstrong's time by a whole minute, while Denis Menchov comes a cropper when he overshoots a tight bend and rides into the Meuse river.
Despite all eyes being on the sprinters, stage one to Brussels is won by rainbow man Cadel Evans, who continues his reinvention.
The flashpoint of a windy stage is a mini pile up which sees reigning champion Alberto Contador lose 10 minutes after a nasty fall. The episode happened when HTC-Columbia took advantage of the gusty conditions to force a break in the peloton. The Spaniard was part of a leading group which all hit the deck after some oil - in all likelihood washed up from the Gulf of Mexico - made the road surface slippery.
Armstrong missed the split after being caught unawares while tweeting as the unborn foetus of his fifth child. Afterwards, the American says: "The crash shows Alberto's naivety. Does he not watch the news? BP's muck is all over the place. It's doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that the safest place was the second echelon today."
Evans doubles his tally with a win in the Ardennes before Spartacus slaves away to victory over the cobbles - this time doing so without once putting his right hand on the handlebars, to refute claims that he is turning an ignition key when making gear changes.
Mark Cavendish becomes persona non grata after a dangerous manoeuvre on the Arenberg trench brings down both Farrar and Hushovd, who are forced to quit and join fellow Cav casualties Heinrich Haussler and Tom Boonen on the sidelines.
In Champagne country, Jerome Pineau diversifies and swigs down a bit too much bubbly in celebration of his second place on the first intermediate sprint outside Epernay.
Yes, things aren't going well for the host nation with French riders seemingly mirroring the abysmal performances of their footballing counterparts. A crisis soon breaks out at Francaise des Jeux after Sandy Casar is thrown off the squad for calling the wife of directeur sportif Marc Madiot a "petit sale boudin" (small dirty black pudding).
Casar's team-mates rally around and refuse to go on a training run on the first rest day. Strike becomes national shame after the entire team - except Australian Wesley Sulzberger - throw in the towel. President Sarkozy demands a summit talk.
Back to the racing, and Cav breaks his duck in Gueugnon, winning stage six after some expert lead-out work by George Hincapie, who reverts to old habits after his entire BMC squad - with the exception of Evans - are laid low with a mystery virus.
Crossing the finish line, Cav makes the kind of rude wrist action usually associated with the football terraces, incurring the wrath of the entire peloton. "It wasn't intended to be vulgar," he explains. "In fact, Robin Hood did it all the time while giving just 80 per cent in Agincourt."
And so to the Alps. Tensions rise in both Astana and RadioShack camps when Alexandre Vinokourov and Brajkovic "defy orders" and take sizable chunks of time off their team leaders on the way to the Station des Rousses. Lithuania's Ignatas Konovalovas takes the yellow jersey from Cancellara after "doing a Pereiro" over the Madeleine, while Evans swaps his green for polka dot.
Contador falls a further ten minutes back after bonking on the way to Avoriaz - Vino forgot to give him lunch - while both Schlecks are mired in controversy when it emerges that they have been swapping numbers every day to even out their times.
The transitional stages between the two mountain ranges are largely uneventful, with rookie team Footon-Servetto surprising us all with three wins in succession. Vladimir Karpets gets sunstroke after his team-mates cut off his mullet in Mende, resulting in first degree burns after the Russian forgets to apply cream.
Meanwhile, Robbie Hunter's "behind the scenes" video pranks from the Garmin base camp - nicknamed "You've Been Hunted" - backfire when Christian Vande Velde breaks his collarbone after slipping on some of David Zabriskie's DZ Nuts chamois cream.
Bastille Day sees victory for Sulzberger, FdJ's lone rider, with L'Equipe labelling it a victory for France.
In the Pyrenees, Contador steadily claws back time and the scene is perfectly set for stage 16 to Pau, which includes the first of two ascents of the Tourmalet. With Armstrong and the Spaniard neck and neck, the American has the bigger kick to steal victory.
While crossing the line, LA parodies his rival's renowned pistol celebration, twisting his torso and firing in the general direction of his former team-mate like Shooter McGavin from the film Happy Gilmore. "Now who's the pistolero?" he tweets.
Incandescent with rage, Contador plots his revenge over the rest day, attacking on the first climb of stage 17 and winning atop the Tourmalet by over 15 minutes to take yellow. In the process he invents a new machinegun celebration, which he repeats on the podium to devastating effect.
Nothing much happens on the flat, straight roads through Les Landes to Bordeaux - except a small pile-up thought to be caused by Menchov falling asleep.
The time trial through the vineyards to Pauillac ends up a two-way ding-dong battle between David Millar and Bradley Wiggins. The two Brits decimate the field and finish with exactly the same time to tie the stage.
On the podium, Christian Prudhomme forces the men to finally let it all out and have a heart-to-heart about just why Brad left Dave in the lurch at Garmin to join Sky. Things get rather heated, but before blows are exchanged the ever-thinning pair - both thought to have lost 25kg in preparation for the Tour - are blown like kites into the Garonne after a sudden gust of wind.
Boassan Hagen's secret is revealed when the Norwegian is rumbled with a bidon filled with petrol and not water. What initially was a suspected case of motor doping takes a whole new dimension when TV footage put together by groundbreaking investigative journo Davide Cassani shows the Sky rider drinking from the bidon throughout the ITT. Boassen Hagen subsequently is outed as cycling's first robot.
Cavendish wears the green jersey on the Champs Elysees - but only because points leader Evans is also the incumbent King of the Mountains and thinks the polka dots bring out the best in his dimple.
Clattering teeth prove too much for Cav on the Parisian cobbles, with Evans and compatriot Robbie McEwen breaking clear in the closing stages. The world champion triumphs to cap the most extraordinary of Tours.
"I've done pretty much everything else in this rainbow shirt this season so I thought I'd have a pop on the Champs," says Evans, adding: "Attacking is the new black." The Australian dedicates his win to his dog Molly, killed days earlier in a bizarre episode involving Dmitriy Muravyev and a red lantern.
Standing aloft atop the podium in yellow is, of course, Contador, with Evans taking second and Konovalovas an unlikely third.
A whole host of Liquigas riders are retrospectively disqualified from the race after their biological passports show evidence of illicit photosynthesising. Subsequent tests reveal abnormal levels of plant DNA. And that's a wrap.
Follow Blazin' Saddles throughout the Tour on www.twitter.com/saddleblaze.