Little Matt Lloyd pouts while pulling a "who's your daddy" pose, slapping away at an imaginary backside with his right hand while pointing to the heavens with his left.
Not, this wasn't Saddles' nightmare from last night — it's the grim reality of Lampre-ISD's new season kit photos.
Yes, it's that time of year again as riders line up for their official team presentations before goofing around in front of the camera for some cringeworthy staged shots.
The Lampre pictures were quite extraordinary. Australian Lloyd looked more Italian than the rest of the team — which isn't surprising, given Lampre's swelling Ukrainian contingent (who, by the looks of things, insist on returning home to get their haircuts).
Talking of hairstyles, Daniele Righi look like a peasant from the 13th century trapped in the pink and blue colours of Lampre. As for Alessandro Petacchi — it's the first time Saddles has ever seen the veteran sprinter smile. He also looked like he was smuggling more than his inhaler down his shorts...
There were also some classy pictures of the boys in pale blue chinos and grey overcoats, and even a photo of the team's head press officer, which is brave considering he was probably the brains behind the whole thing.
Saddles can't wait to see what fellow Italian team Liquigas does in response — surely it's going to involve a large sauna and lots of baby oil?
By comparison, the GreenEDGE launch earlier this month — which BS attended ahead of the Tour Down Under — paled in comparison. Although it was accompanied by a video of the boys recording the official team song, the lyrics of which contained catchy lines such as "come and see the real thing" and "no I won't back down".
The good thing about attending these launches in person is that you actually get to profit from the free bar and finger food — and GreenEDGE certainly did put on a decent spread. Ham and salad sandwiches, smoked salmon and cream cheese bagels, mini burgers, tray upon tray of sushi rolls.
You wouldn't want to touch the sushi rolls at the Katusha presentation in Moscow, that's for sure: the guys in Red Square probably have separate trays of Polonium 210-infused sashimi for troublemakers like Saddles.
Moscow was on Oscar Freire's radar after picking up his stage four win Down Under. BS knows this because he bumped into the Spanish veteran at Adelaide airport and asked him what was in store.
"First it's home to Italy and then to Moscow for the team presentation," he said while his team-mates tucked into burgers at a nearby fast-food joint. "It's crazy. Today it's plus 30 degrees, next week it's minus 30."
Weather — and logistics — was presumably why Astana decided not to have their presentation in, erm, Astana. According to Borut Bozic, the team management was keen to hold the shindig in Kazakhstan's capital, but they decided on Spain instead because Astana was too far away.
A wise choice, surely: can you imagine many photographers or reporters showing up for the Astana launch in a place as far east as Kabul? Indeed, it's not as if Astana (the team, not the place) even have a new kit this season, it's just the same sky blue and yellow eye-opener.
Omega Pharma — Quick-Step (let's call them MegaQuick for short) had their presentation in mid-January and it involved their riders looking sleepy as they rested their heads on pillows in a long line. Think of it as a gentler geriatrics version of The Human Centipede, if you will.
Presumably the message was something along these lines: if you have to sleep on a Quick Step special laminate floor then it will be much easier with an orthopaedic pillow made by the Belgian pharmaceutical giants Omega Pharma.
Anyway, the big surprise with MegaQuick's new kit is not that it's an exact replica of Leopard-Trek's kit from last season, it's that the designers didn't think of incorporating a bit of pillow down Tom Boonen's shorts. We all know the Belgian powerhouse has a knack of knackering his nads...
MegaQuick's Belgian rivals Lotto-Belisol made a statement of intent this week when they provided fresh impetus in the peloton's scarf wars.
Given Leopard-Trek's ill-fated attempts to be trendy with those atrocious grey cravates last year (blame it on Brian Nygaard), it took Lotto a lot of courage to tread such testing waters.
But their dark red, blue and brown streaked scarfs were trendy and fresh — and made a suit-wearing Andre Greipel look as if he worked for Deutsch Bank.
The Schlecks, it seems, just haven't got it when it comes to team presentations. Last year's major offenders with the aforementioned grey cravates, the boys from Luxembourg once again made a fashion faux-pas with those ghastly H&M light grey cardigans at the mini RadioShack launch last month.
Saddles actually quizzed Jens Voigt about these sartorial monstrosities a couple of weeks ago at the Tour Down Under and even Jens — who at 40 should, in theory, be the owner of a fair few cardigans — felt the man behind the outfits "should be fired".
And finally to Movistar, who welcomed back Alejandro Valverde and Juan Jose Cobo at their official presentation this week in Madrid. Keeping it simple, all the riders wore the new Movistar kit (arguably one of the best in the peloton) with a pair of black Converse-style trainers.
The company president of the team's main sponsor, communications company Telefonica, gave a stirring speech in which he asked the riders to "keep dignifying this sport".
With former Spanish greats Pedro Delgado and Miguel Indurain in attendance, not to mention Operacion Puerto-shackled Valverde, the irony did not go unnoticed, however unintended.