The Tiger Woods Sex Machine Circus (TM) keeps rolling on, and Bunker Mentality had a plan to get in on the action.
Said plan was to run a skit on new companies that Woods could get sponsorship from now that his previous backers are starting to look at him as if... well, as if he's been revealed as a serial philanderer with atrocious taste in leathery-faced, silicone-enhanced porn stars despite the fact that he has a devastatingly beautiful wife and picture-perfect young family waiting at home.
Woods has not so much been eating burgers while he's got steak waiting at home; more like he's been rooting around in bins looking for half-empty tins of dog food on the day that Heston Blumenthal has popped round to cook tea.
But we digress. With sponsors leaving him and a potential £200 million or so divorce settlement to worry about the sponsor skit seemed like perfect timing... and then, on the very morning it was planned, we found that The Sun had just done our homework for us with the following suggestions:
- Heinz, on the basis that they boast 57 varieties. Tiger's 'birdie' count is up to 11 so far, but surely by New Year another 46 will be found.
- Lipton tea, on the basis of a company slogan boasting that 'Lipton has got into more hot water than everything', and Tiger is now a world expert in getting into hot water.
- Viagra, for obvious reasons.
- Dr Pepper, partly on the basis that his soft drink contract with Gatorade has been affected, partly on the basis of their series of adverts on the theme of 'What's the worst that could happen?' We'd imagine crashing into a fire hydrant and a tree, being attacked by an enraged blonde wielding a five-iron, and then having years of secret rendezvous spilled on to the pages of the tabloids would be up there.
Can you do better? Leave your suggestions down below...
BM doesn't wish to give the impression that it doesn't have sympathy for Woods. His scandal is the first truly great sex scandal of the modern Web 2.0 era.
In the 1960s, JFK could indulge in more or less any sexual practice he wanted, in between fingering the big red button while on the phone to Khrushchev. We won't repeat the more salacious accusations here (because we're scaredy-cats and the Kennedys are very rich and have lots of lawyers) but he made Tiger look like a choir boy.
In the 1990s, Prince Charles could have phone sex with his girlfriend - and the only people to read the transcript were the prurient millions who went out and bought the Sunday papers.
But news today is everywhere - email, 24 -hour news channels, free-sheet papers - and poor old Tiger has been hit from angles which he'd have needed a PhD in geometry to see coming.
Just one example: take a look at these publicly-released images from the local police force investigating his crash, and thank your lucky stars that you'll never see the stupidest thing you've ever done in your life published and analysed mercilessly by every media outlet in the world.
We had a news story come into the office the other day: Rory McIlroy had apparently made it to number nine in the world rankings, thus overtaking Sergio Garcia's record for the highest-ever ranking for a 20-year-old.
Now Bunker Mentality has more than just respect for Rory, but it's hardly anything to get excited about.
First off, the move happened more as a result of mathematical jiggery-pokery than a particular excellent result: neither McIlroy nor the players he overtook, Kenny Perry or (ironically enough) Garcia had been in action that week.
It's a bit like those boxers who 'win' a world title when a court in up-state New York somewhere rules that one of their prospective opponents has decided to fight the wrong person.
It's great for Rory - though it could be costly for any of his sponsors who have payments linked to being in the top 10 at the end of the year - but seriously, he knows the next two steps from where he is now, and they have nothing whatsoever to do with his world ranking.
Number one, turn consistent high finishes into consistent victories on both sides of the Atlantic.
And number two, make one of those victories in a Major championship.