So, what Allen Stanford appeared to get for all the money thrown at the England and Wales Cricket Board was the world's worst lap-dance.
As a shy and retiring recluse, Cowers knows little about the ins and outs of Special Dance Bars.
When Cowers flies EasyJet to Eastern European cities like Prague and Riga he spends the evenings taking in the local production of La Boheme, rather than sitting in the dark clutching an overpriced G&T while a disinterested native gyrates her booty in his gleeful face.
But even Cowers is worldly-wise enough to know that for $20m, Stanford should have got more than a slightly embarrassed pregnant girl bobbing on his lap like a toddler playing horsie.
For $20m, Stanford was probably expecting at least the pretence of enthusiasm, a lot more flesh on display — and significantly fewer television cameras filming the whole shebang for the world and her husband to see.
It is possible that the Texan with an ego as big as his wallet is now regretting the idea to have a television camera trained on him at all times throughout the week of matches at the Antigua Cricket Ground.
Cowers can't think of many things higher on the list of lap-dance nightmares than having the whole thing shown live to the fillie's husband on a gigantic screen.
As unpleasant lap-dancing experiences go, it is perhaps only trumped by finding out halfway through that 'she' is, in fact, a 'he'. Or having a foot slip and ending up with a stiletto in your crotch. Or being falsely accused of "wandering hands" and having your head stoved in by a burly bouncer.
Gee. When you think about it, a lot can go wrong with a lap-dance.
Stanford is said to be completely bemused by what he sees as a complete lack of gratitude for his generosity over the course of the week. Apparently, a $20m-bill shoved down the G-string of a pretty girl doesn't usually provoke this much outrage.
Never usually a man with his finger on the common pulse, when England skipper Kevin Pietersen admitted he "just wants the week to end", for what must be the first time in his entire international career, he was thinking the same thing as the rest of the cricketing world.
It is difficult to imagine how a more shambolic week might have gone. The only small mercy is that India and Australia have been battling out a typically fiesty Test series on the sub-continent to distract some of the attention away from Antigua.
The pre-series pleasantries have been proved as big a sham as a Big Brother marriage. Simon Katich and Gautam Gambhir were virtually squaring up to each other for most of the first day as the Indian opener cracked an aggressive century.
Cowers can't help but think that India and Australia might as well just accept and publicly admit that they hate the sight of each other, and the ICC just let them go at it properly when they meet.
It would make for fantastic television. Certainly better than watching a sleazy billionaire getting his kicks.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "The spectacle may be briefly compelling, but it will soon lose its charm, leaving behind only a kind of embarrassment for the grotesque contortions of the participants. In short, pornography." Journalist Simon Barnes on the Stanford 20/20 carnival.
TALKING POINT: Stanford: Sleazy or misunderstood?