Rod Stewart, a virile and ongoing crooner if ever there was one, was out and about sporting a Celtic tracksuit the other day in Las Vegas, a brand of leisurewear that could easily have passed for one of those sparkly white Elvis Presley jumpsuits from back in the day. Stewart has apparently signed up for a two-year stretch at Caesars Palace in a deal worth an estimated £40 million. Some guys have all the luck.
At least one Celtic fan is happy this week. At least one Celtic fan is in the money. The rest are walking around dazed, confused and more than a little bit disheartened. They are wondering what is becoming of their team.
A similar mantra could be applied to followers of their Glasgow foes Rangers as the poverty of the Scottish game begins to bite deeply into its two main protagonists. Failure to qualify for the Champions League group stage is bad luck. Failure to reach the Europa League group stage is careless, yet only too predictable.
Celtic's 3-1 loss to a Sion team that finished fourth in the Swiss league last season and Rangers' 3-2 humbling on aggregate by the diminutive Maribor of Slovenia has left Scotland without a representative in European competition beyond the end of August for the first time since modern records began in 1956.
Bizarrely enough, in keeping with Scottish football's penchant for farcical happenings, it turns out that there might be a way back from the abyss, thanks to Sion fielding players deemed ineligible due to an ongoing dispute over a signing the club made three years ago. If Celtic's lawyers prevail in the courts of Switzerland and the Court of Arbitration for Sport, it should in no way make any difference to an analysis of Thursday's debacle.
Described as an "apocalyptic" night for the country on UEFA's official website, such results paint a bleak picture of the SPL as an increasingly obscure and malfunctioning league in northern Europe.
Rangers have won only one of their past 25 games in Europe - they have only won one game in 14 at Ibrox. Celtic have abysmally managed only one away win in 30 tries. They have contrived to lose in some weird and wonderful ways at various outposts.
The results do not match the fan bases, or the demands. Celtic - the first British winners of the European Cup in 1967 - were the 12th best supported club in Europe last season with an average attendance of 48,968. Rangers - recipients of the European Cup Winners' Cup in 1972 - were in 22nd position with a healthy 45,305. Both have been to the UEFA Cup final over the past eight years.
The nature of Celtic's defeat suggest they have made little progress in 12 months.
Rangers have a brighter starting XI than Celtic, but such benefits mean little when your side has been ousted from two competitions by outfits from Sweden and Slovenia, hardly a cradle of the game. Rangers were widely regarded to be a superior force to Malmo in the Champions League qualifiers and Maribor in the Europa League play-off tie, but have somehow been shorn of all overseas duty inside the space of one wretched month.
The result will come as little surprise to the Slovenian manager Mariban Pusnik of SC Damash, who last week apparently offered his thoughts on the Scottish champions. "Rangers are an extremely poor team." Disrespectful or insightful? You can make your own mind up, but scapegoats will not be in short supply as the inquest into the obvious shortcomings begins.
Celtic and Rangers demand season tickets be renewed at comparable levels to watching England's Premier League, but fail to come up with the required standard of player. Once there was Gazza, Laudrup, Larsson and Di Canio. Now there is none.
The slothful Swedish central defender Daniel Majstorovic has been an accident waiting to happen ever since he was party to Celtic's 4-0 thrashing by FC Utrecht in Europa League qualifying a year ago. On Thursday, he was caught out of position from a high ball up the middle after 30 seconds before being sent packing for mistiming a tackle as the last man. Celtic's already fragile confidence on their travels disappeared up the tunnel with Majstorovic.
Georgios Samaras scored three goals in the SPL last season yet was offered a new contract at the club. He is an impostor. Lennon has shown a loyalty to such men that will get him sacked. Is Scott Brown a man who has the quickness of thought and technical ability to wear the captain's armband at Celtic? He toils to dominate from the centre of the park.
One felt some sympathy for Lennon as the first Celtic manager to suffer three successive losses in the opening round of European tournaments, but he must also take some of the blame. When changes were needed, he seemed to disengage with reality. When the clock reached the hour mark, he continued to persevere with Samaras.
The club's mysterious mustachioed owner Dermot Desmond is a source of constant frustration to Celtic's supporters. He seems to revel in Celtic's Irishness without coming up with the level of investment, publicly at least, needed to satisfy such a support. The prawn sandwich eaters may be horrified to hear criticism of Desmond, a billionaire who is apparently the sixth richest figure in Ireland, but they are not the average man or woman unearthing large sums of money to watch a product that is frankly not good enough.
Celtic were last week celebrating being debt-free. Fans cannot worship a set of accounts in the trophy room. Being in debt is not the wisest policy, but neither is having no players a fan will pay to watch. Celtic suddenly do not possess a player who is worth watching away from the limited and technically insufficient confines of the SPL, a league struggling to sell itself to its own people mainly due to hefty admission prices.
Unearthing £8 or £9m on a couple of imaginative signings must be encouraged to soothe the support's senses. Nobody, not even Desmond, is taking their money with them. Celtic tried to sign Sion's elusive attacker Pascal Feindouno - who shone against the limping Scottish side - but did not have the cash to meet his wage demands last summer. It is too simplistic to bat away the criticism by solely blaming a lack of finance.
Shamrock Rovers reached the group stages of the Europa League with guts, luck and a strategy against Partizan Belgrade. Fortunately, they never had Majstorovic to scupper their plans.
Craig Whyte, the Rangers owner, has questions to answer on why he failed to unload the funds required for several new faces before the club faced Malmo in the Champions League qualifiers. They could not bring in several targets, embarrassingly coming up short after several botched offers in their pursuit of the forward David Goodwillie before he opted to leave Dundee United for Blackburn Rovers for £2.8m.
In Nikica Jelavic, who is surely the outstanding player in Scotland, and Kyle Lafferty, they had a front pairing bought for a combined value of £7m confronting Maribor. They should have had the equipment to send Rangers through. Like Lennon, Ally McCoist is learning in the job as Rangers manager, but it will be a painful defeat to digest.
Hearts drew 0-0 at Tottenham to depart the Europa League qualifiers after a 5-0 shredding in Edinburgh last week, while Dundee United lost on away goals in the first qualifying round to Polish representatives Slask Wroclaw, who were ousted by Rapid Bucharest one round on.
The best teams from the strongest leagues can lose such matches with Roma succumbing to Slovan Bratislava and Hannover accounting for Sevilla, but those results were unexpected.
Scotland's set of returns was in keeping with a general downward trend in its once prized club game. It is time to keep calm and carry on. Apples will grow again, as they say. For now, Scottish football is sinking in some form of quicksand. Meanwhile, Rod Stewart continues to perform better in foreign climes than his club.