Newcastle should have given their shiny, newly-created director of football role to the fan who boxed a police horse in broad daylight after the 3-0 defeat to local foes Sunderland in April.

That would have been slightly more bizarre than handing over the keys to Joe Kinnear, a figure largely discredited in Geordieland after his previous failed attempt at the manager's job. Only slightly mind.

Newcastle owner Mike Ashley is nothing if not unpredictable. It is his toy, and he will do what he wants with it. That is hardly good news for Alan Pardew's long-term health in the manager's post when a

Phil Neville confirmed the end of his playing days last weekend but the news of his retirement barely caused a ripple.

Maybe that was because we all knew what was coming - he had, after all, said his goodbyes at Everton's final home game of the season, although ostensibly that was just his final game for the Toffees, and not necessarily the end of his career as a player.

His decision to leave Goodison, nevertheless, was largely overshadowed by other big-names calling time on their careers at the same time: the likes of former Manchester United team-mate Paul Scholes and old England colleagues

Jupp Heynckes is not only a good manager, he is a good mover. That much was obvious when the Bayern Munich coach decided to hit the dance floor of London’s Grosvenor hotel only hours after his side claimed the Champions League trophy with a 2-1 win over Borussia Dortumund at Wembley Stadium last month.

Sliding a few Bavarian beers down their necks, Bayern's post-match celebrations passed off peacefully, but imagine they hadn't? Imagine if it all got too much for some of the beaten party and the Dortmund defender Mats Hummels washed up at the Bayern bash looking to banjo Arjen Robben for

It was perhaps apt that Jesus Navas was last night signing for Manchester City in a £14.5 million transfer from Sevilla only hours before England were losing 1-0 to Israel in their final match of a wretched few days at the European Under-21 Championship.

Navas's arrival at the Etihad Stadium is hardly going to encourage an infusion of home-grown English talent into the City side under incoming head coach Manuel Pellegrini. Jack Rodwell may not be an out-and-out winger, but the addition of Navas will not create extra space for the former Everton kid - a midfielder purchased for £12m a year ago

Jose Mourinho: Crazy!

Mourinho’s back! And it’s possible we might have overestimated just how much of a chilled-out entertainer he really is.

For all the tumultuous build-up, his first press conference back at Chelsea was as tedious a 52 minutes as any football fan could hope to spend (away from the Britannia Stadium).

This wasn’t just a damp squib. It was a squib that had been pummelled by water cannon before being chained to a breeze block and thrown off a pier. This squib underwent extensive waterboarding before competing in series two of 'Splash!'

With each answer, Mourinho repeated the same tired mantras of

If the incoming Football Association chairman Greg Dyke wants to seek out a learned opinion on where the game's governing body is going wrong in relation to developing a mature and coherent attitude towards youth football, and where it stands in the grand scheme of things in contributing to the overall health of the England senior squad, he could do worse than give Martin Tyler a call.

Tyler remains a commentator without compare in the United Kingdom, but he is not just an empty voice with a microphone.

As the dust settled on a somewhat shambolic 3-1 defeat by Norway on Saturday evening that

Before he was given his marching orders from the Etihad Stadium, Roberto Mancini said he wanted Manchester City to be quicker off the mark during this summer's transfer window.

Like the proverbial faeces off a shovel, City have done exactly that, making manoeuvres on the market even before Mancini himself has been replaced. June is still in its infancy yet the 2012 Premier League champions have already secured the signature of Fernandinho. Flying winger Jesus Navas is set to soon follow, after his club Sevilla earlier in the week said an agreement was in place. Meanwhile, Manchester United

It is easy to pinpoint the moment that Andrei Arshavin's value to Arsenal finally expired: January 20, when he made his final appearance for the club in a Premier League defeat to Chelsea. Arsenal's record signing sat out the rest of the season. He wasn't injured to any significant degree. Just irrelevant.

What is harder to identify is the moment - if indeed one exists - that Arshavin no longer felt compelled to properly pursue a career as an Arsenal player. Certainly that was how it felt when watching him trundle through games with no apparent urgency or desire, resting his arms on his knees