Early Doors would love to be cynical about Lionel Messi.
It would like to ask when three rebounds and a tap-in been ever been greeted with such rapture.
It could point out that if Gael Clichy had played Kevin Foley as comprehensively onside on Saturday, the Wolves man might now be hailed as the best player of his generation.
It is desperate to point out the tiny imperfections in the Argentine's performance.
It wants to accuse him of being greedy by refusing to pass before scoring his fourth goal.
It longs to snipe that, had Messi's first touch been even sharper, he might have had five first-half goals.
It might insinuate that as a runtish child, he was pumped full of legal growth hormones, making him arguably the world's first GM footballer (ED's not sure about the science here).
And it absolutely needs to question why people insist on making a really good individual performance by a footballer into a quasi-religious experience (not for nothing do The Sun and the Daily Mirror both lead their back page with 'Messi-ah').
But it can't.
This time, ED just cannot stay angry at the world.
If you can't sit back and enjoy watching a player of Messi's ability playing at the top of his game, then you simply don't like football.
If there is one quality that defines all the truly great players - the likes Diego Maradona, Johan Cruyff, Zinedine Zidane - it is balance.
The capacity to change direction instantly, to ride challenges, to fool opponents with a swerve of the body; that separates the great from the very good, and it is a skill Messi possesses in abundance.
Obviously the ability to score four goals in just over an hour doesn't hurt, either.
It was the kind of game that makes you wonder why he doesn't do that every week - only he does.
He has scored 16 goals in his last 10 games, and has four hat-tricks since the turn of the year.
This for a hard-working team player whose primary skill is not finishing. It is simply absurd.
Dedicated Liga-watchers will tell you he has been doing this for years, and of course he has, but there is a difference between demolishing Zaragoza and cutting loose in a Champions League quarter-final.
Round about this time last year, ED moaned that Messi's CV was short on 'moments' - transcendent feats that can be recalled instantly by a global audience.
Now he has two. That towering(!) header in the Champions League final, and last night's outrageous exhibition of playground dominance.
Graeme Souness said it was one of those nights you would look back on and say: "I was there." A little insensitive seeing as he was talking to a television audience who, by definition, were not there.
Still, with a World Cup just 65 days away, Messi has a chance to do what Maradona did 24 years ago.
Arguably the only man who can stop him is El Diego himself, now peddling his unique brand of tactical anarchy as Argentina coach.
Messi struggled in qualifying and has yet to thrive in Maradona's (non-)system.
But the little man showed last night all he needs to do to carry Argentina to glory. Just get hold of the ball and start running.
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APOLOGY OF THE DAY: Burnley's Kevin McDonald has said sorry for leaving Turf Moor after being substituted in the 6-1 defeat by Manchester City and watching the second half in a pub. In fairness, he stayed longer than some fans, who were walking out after seven minutes when the score was already 3-0.
McDonald said: "I now realise it was naive, disrespectful and totally wrong of me to leave the ground at half time on Saturday. It was a gross misjudgement and instead I should have remained at Turf Moor to support my club and team mates."
FOREIGN VIEW: A little Tour des Headlines for some international Messi-loving.
Sport (Barcelona) - Don't say 'football', say 'Messi'
Marca (Madrid) - How do you stop this guy?
L'Equipe (France) - Messi! Messi! Messi! Messi!
Bild (Germany) - Messi's crazy magic - Is he the best player of all time?
Corriere dello Sport (Italy) - It's Inter versus Messi
Clarin (Argentina) - No limit to Messi's genius
COMING UP: After Messi's heroics, everything else feels like a bit of a footnote, but let us push such doubts aside and dive in to Manchester United v Bayern Munich at 19:45 UK time. Francophiles may prefer Bordeaux v Lyon, also in the Champions League. Masochists can opt for Rangers v Aberdeen.