Yesterday, Real Madrid president Ramon Calderon said of Robinho: "The coach and the sports director want the player to stay and I am sure he will."

Hours later it emerged that Chelsea have already begun to sell shirts with the Brazilian's name printed on the back.

This, of course, is how modern transfers work. If you act like you've signed a player, sell his shirts, give him a peg in the dressing-room and a car parking space, there's a chance he will unwillingly turn up to training.

Once there, you can get him to sign a 'form' confirming he has read and understood the fire regulations - only

Newcastle say they have not sacked Kevin Keegan. The League Managers' Association say Keegan has not quit. 

But nobody can confirm whether he is actually going to turn up to work today.

Today's Sun claims Keegan's beef with the club stems from an attempt by owner Mike Ashley to sell Michael Owen and Joey Barton on transfer deadline day.

Already peed off at not being able to spend the £12m proceeds from James Milner's sale, Keegan, according to a St James' Park mole, "hit the roof" when it became apparent his two biggest hate figures could be flogged (in Barton's case, a good flogging when he

Not many clubs inspire the same level of schadenfreude in other fans as Tottenham Hotspur.

In which case your average neutral would have looked on with glee as the Lilywhites lost 2-0 at Portsmouth, with both goals coming from former Spurs players, and the defeat leaves the north Londoners bottom of the table after six games with just two points, behind even Newcastle.

At the same point last season, Derby County had double that, and they are officially the worst team in history. That's a scientific fact, and you can't argue with science.

And, like erstwhile Derby boss Billy Davies and his

Happy Monday long-suffering Newcastle fans, at long last your ridiculous club is not quite ridiculous enough to warrant top billing on this here page.

Today that honour belongs to John Branch (Spanish name withdrawn until further notice) and his laughably poor Tottenham team - who have suffered their worst start to a season since 1912 thanks to a 1-0 mauling at the hands of Felipe Marron's Hull City.

All of which has prompted tabloid comparison to the Titantic, which sank that same year to give birth to the biggest film, like EVER! Oh and that nauseating Celine Dion number which couples

Great news: It seems bad-boy behaviour is making a comeback. Early Doors surveys the lie of the land.

CIGARETTES

Arsenal captain William Gallas was snapped rolling out of a London nightclub on Wednesday night with a cigarette in his mouth.

Reporting the 'news', The Sun was at pains to point out that the cigarette was not lit.

This qualifier was presumably based on the slim chance that Gallas models himself on self-styled good boy of rap Will Smith.

In his magnum opus Getting' Jiggy Wit It, Smith launches his own version of Bill Clinton 'I did not inhale' defence, spitting:

"Ciga-cigar right

Everyone agrees: there is something terribly wrong with Cristiano Ronaldo.

He must still be feeling the effects of that summer wrangle between Manchester United and Real Madrid.

He seems aloof. He often refuses to pass. He celebrates his goals with little more than a shrug. Something MUST be bothering him.

Wait, hold on. Weren't those the exact same characteristics he displayed when he was the best player in the world?

The cocksure arrogance, the shoo-ing away team-mates at free-kicks, the minimal goal celebrations that say 'yeah, I am great, what of it?'

And as for passing to team-mates, ED

In the current spirit of alarmism, Early Doors would like to state in big, bold writing that ARSENAL DO NOT NEED A NEW CAPTAIN, THEY NEED A NEW SQUAD.

Cesc Fabregas leads the side for the first time tonight after William Gallas's sacking at the weekend, but ED boldly predicts it won't make a blind bit of difference to the club's predicament.

Gallas received universal condemnation for airing his dirty laundry in public on Friday, as though his ill-judged quotes were more of a problem than the fact that Arsenal's dressing room is in a state of civil war.

It is more than a PR conundrum. If you

There was mild surprise when Manchester United sold Gerard Pique back to his first club Barcelona in the summer.

Here was a young, strong and technically accomplished defender with the potential to develop into Rio Ferdinand's heir.

So why did United let him go? Because it turns out he spent most of his time at Old Trafford asking Sir Alex Ferguson for a number 35, egg fried rice and spring rolls.

And if Pique's view of China is anything like the Spanish basketball team's, a swift exit was assured.

"The gaffer, as Ferguson is known in Manchester, spoke in English with a Scottish accent and