With Euro 2008 now only a matter of days away (although, if we're being pedantic, it's always been only a matter of days away, depending on your chosen unit of time measurement) Early Döorß is busily assembling its fantasy football team using the brilliant, if puzzlingly Germanic, eurosport.yahoo.co.uk Euro 2008 Fantasy Football game.

And having taken time out from sweating over the fitness of Turkey midfielder Hamit Altintop and hoping 38-year-old Ivica Vastic can replicate the form he showed in Austria's 5-1 thrashing of Malta last week, Early Döorß is proud to present its guide to the many

When you think of a secret political meeting, you imagine late-night gatherings behind closed doors, with a special knock required to gain access to the 'card game' in some smoky basement.

But it would seem Early Doors is living in some outmoded Cold War-era version of reality.

If you really want to stay away from the limelight, you need to follow the David Beckham model for his covert encounter with Gordon Brown.

1 - Make sure you are one of the most recognisable people in the world.

2 - Rock up directly outside 10 Downing Street in your Bentley.

3 - Check that said Bentley has a personalised

Some things in life simply cannot be relied upon - French bankers, the English weather, Her In Doors's cooking and Titus Bramble to name but a few examples.

Early Doors, however, is conspicuous by its absence from the list. No matter that today is a Bank Holiday, no matter that you lot are probably aren't even going to read this because you're on holiday, no matter that a Sunday service is running on the train lines, making it terribly difficult for ED to reach its lair.

No matter even that it is a slow news day. As long as it is a weekday, ED will always be here for you, unfailing and

Comebacks can be a risky business. Just ask Bjorn Borg, Vanilla Ice or the bloke who made the Superman sequels. Bad news for all those concerned.

There are occasional success stories - Martina Hingis, Led Zeppelin, Jesus and the 1970s to name a few - but generally the rule is that 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it' (unless of course you've made some poor business decisions, been rinsed by a former lover or developed an expensive drug habit, resulting in complete desperation and the abandonment of any scruples that may once have existed).

Why? It's simple really - so as not to run the risk of

For all those at Upton Park on Saturday, it may come as something of a surprise to find out that Frank Lampard's sending-off was only the second worst decision of the weekend.

Lamps was dismissed against his old club for ersatz tag-team wrestling with Luis Boa Morte, bringing back an old Saturday afternoon tradition without the aid of Big Daddy, Kendo Nagasaki or Kent Walton

The referee's assistant told referee Peter Walton (no relation) that Lampard's hand connected with Boa Morte's face and the midfielder was given a straight red card. But the only logical rationale for this was the

Anyone who has ever attempted to learn a foreign language knows that in order to guarantee success you have to start with the basics.

Early Doors does not mean picking up rudimentary grammar, learning the alphabet or even knowing how to introduce oneself.

No, any linguistic course always starts with the swear words. That's what makes the Brits such marvellous and welcome guests the world over.

This tried and tested formula has benefited stag parties, travelling football fans and really anyone whose idea of a good time is to jet out to Riga, insult the locals and get smashed in the local Irish

The City of Manchester Stadium has sprung more leaks than the poop deck on the Poseidon, with no fewer than three club "sources" spilling the beans on Sven-Goran Eriksson's falling-out with Frank Shinawatra and imminent exit from Manchester City.

The Express and the Sun spent the day chatting with various shadowy insiders, while the Mirror, Mail, Guardian, Telegraph and even the Star carried the same story but obviously couldn't be bothered to get a quote from any of Sven's associates.

Only the Times goes for the official line - the indication from Eriksson's agent and City themselves that he

Police are reportedly considering the introduction of 'mosquito' ultrasonic devices to break up gangs of antisocial youths.

This young-person deterrent emits a piercing noise so high-pitched it can only be heard by people younger than 25. It sounds like one of those things country folk put in their gardens to scare off moles.

The idea is to fire the 'mosquito' at the kids on your local street corner and watch them scatter, while anyone old enough to remember Elton Welsby on the Big Match remains unaffected.

Broadcasting an irritating sound might not be the zero-tolerance solution many would