What is it with academics? These publicly-funded layabouts have the time, the resources and the brainpower to solve all the world's problems, yet end up publishing reports on whether it is better to put milk in your tea before or after the boiling water.

(For the record, these studies always find it is better either to go milk-first or to get a life.)

Take the group of boffins at Durham and Plymouth Universities who decided that, rather than applying their copious grey matter to something useful like curing AIDS or clothing Danielle Lloyd, they would look at what colour football strip teams

Early Doors remembers some slow news days but yesterday was one of the worst since the great news drought of 1864.

Not since the time Moses Ashikodi's loan move to Watford adorned the top of this website have ED and its saggy-faced colleagues scratched around so hopelessly in search of something that people might actually care about.

It is on days like this when Uli Hoeness's utterance: "I want to sign another star player for our midfield" is taken as proof positive that Bayern Munich are about to snap up Arsenal's Mathieu Flamini.

The problem, of course, is that even though there is no news,

Early Doors was off yesterday. Did it miss anything?

It is a shame that ADUG, as they are rather clunkily known, didn't take over Manchester City last Friday.

Given three whole days to do their dealings, they would probably have brought Kaka, Leo Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo to Eastlands as well.

In 14 hours, City's new owners achieved what Chelsea failed to after an entire summer of soundbites and posturing - spend a staggering sum of cash on a world-class talent.

It was quite a day to be a City fan. No sooner had the new regime got its foot in the door than City went straight after Dimitar

It would be easy to have a pop at Manchester City after their 3-1 home defeat to Fulham on Sunday - so let's do just that.

City's gutless surrender to a side that had only won once away from home all season has heaped the pressure on manager Mark Hughes, who has presided over a recent run of five defeats in their last six games.

Nothing says 'You're getting sacked in the morning' like shots of a star player looking sullen on the bench as his team-mates struggle on the pitch, and the Eastlands fans greeted the introduction of Ched Evans ahead of Robinho with chants of "You don't know what

Early Doors will come clean - it has looked and felt better. And, as you can see by the scary jailbird mugshots, none of its three incarnations is an oil painting.

This morning it plumbs new depths; slumped at its desk with matchsticks propping its eyes open and an intravenous drip of coffee plugged straight into its forearm.

Why so tired and cranky? Put it down to a thrill-packed evening spent on eurosport.yahoo.co.uk, repeatedly pressing the 'refresh' button on the Transfer Talk: LIVE story.

Did Early Doors say thrill-packed? Apologies, must be the sleep deprivation talking - it meant

This weekend proved beyond all doubt that panic sackings do
work, as both Chelsea and Portsmouth's temporary management teams masterminded
victories.

After soldiering pointlessly on with Tony Adams for 22 full
games, Pompey bowed to the inevitable and were promptly rewarded with three
points.

All it took was to get rid of Adams, persuade a previously
supportive senior player to slag him off, put a backroom boy in
charge and thrash Manchester
City thanks to the giddy
bounce that comes from a change of leadership.

Likewise, Ray Wilkins (pictured) was able to manufacture a Chelsea

If Premier League players still had to wash their kits would they be so quick to toss them aside?

The weekend before Super, Oh my God it's huge probably bigger than Jesus, Sunday was a relatively quiet one in the top-flight.

As draw specialists Arsenal continue to work in binary numbers allowing Manchester United to move a bit closer towards the title, the main talking point was what do you do with your kit when substituted.

Reading forward Shane Long apologised for throwing his shirt to the ground after being substituted during his team's 2-1 defeat by Liverpool at Anfield.

In an excuse

It is no secret that most modern day footballers are purveyors of profound vanity. Rarely is a player seen in public without the obligatory overly-gelled and coiffed hair, showing off the latest in body 'art' across their forearms and sporting a wealth of bling the value of which could easily rival the GDP of a small south American nation.

We say 'most' because believe it or not, there are odd exceptions. You have to dig deep to find them, but take heart, they do exist. Take the man in the picture as a shining example of how not to worry about your image.

Without wanting to open up a can of