It is no secret that most modern day footballers are purveyors of profound vanity. Rarely is a player seen in public without the obligatory overly-gelled and coiffed hair, showing off the latest in body 'art' across their forearms and sporting a wealth of bling the value of which could easily rival the GDP of a small south American nation.

We say 'most' because believe it or not, there are odd exceptions. You have to dig deep to find them, but take heart, they do exist. Take the man in the picture as a shining example of how not to worry about your image.

Without wanting to open up a can of

Chelsea might be in the throes of a mini-crisis, but at least we finally know what Henk ten Cate is for.

The burly Dutchman has obviously been employed as Avram Grant's bouncer, and was reportedly involved in a bundle with John Terry in the lead-up to Sunday's Carling Cup final - possibly over Terry's attempt to enter the training ground wearing trainers.

The story is reported 'Exclusively' in both the Sun and the Mirror, with both papers opting for the same weak pun (Cate-fight) - sadly the bloke's name is pronounced more like 'Carter'.

Avram Grant came in for no end of stick after Chelsea's

After Thursday's events at Heathrow, Alan Shearer's characterisation of Newcastle under Kevin Keegan as "kamikaze" was, to say the least, unfortunate.

The Sun's news and sports departments are obviously not on speaking terms, with the smoking wreckage of a Boeing 777 adorning the front page and the headline "Kamikaze Keegan" on the back.

Unfortunate timing apart, Shearer's comments were presumably made in blissful ignorance of the facts that Japan resorted to such attacks only when the Second World War was a lost cause, and that the pilots involved tended to die in a massive fireball.

In an

On picking up the FIFA World Player award last night,
Cristiano Ronaldo said: "This is a unique moment for me."

This, of course, was a bare-faced lie. It seems Ronaldo has
spent more time accumulating personal accolades at various ceremonies than
actually playing football.

Although his tally of goals has dropped markedly (10 compared
to 25 at this point last season), each strike fewer has been offset by some
two-bit individual prize.

In the last nine months, his mantelpiece has become ever-more
clogged after he was crowned PFA Player of the Year, Football Writers' Player of the Year, UEFA Club

Eyes right for a shameless ogle at the streakers who interrupted Italy's Euro 2008 training as part of a stunt for TV.

See, this is the kind of fun we're missing out on thanks to that idiot McClaren. Think about it when tonight's meaningless friendly trudges into its 74th soul-crushing minute.

Yes, Early Doors knows this supposed 'news' is two days old, but frankly it was either this or another picture of John Terry crying.

Marianne Puglia, the one in the foreground, is very much the Guardian reader's bit of crumpet, having represented Venezuela in the Miss Earth contest in 2006.

Miss Earth,

The following is an announcement on behalf of the Early Doors dogs' home:

'Shay used to be a happy, bouncy puppy, full of energy and
life. A family in Newcastle
bought him and he loved nothing more than to leap around on the grass, catching
balls in his mouth and chasing after referees.

But then Shay's owners started to mistreat him. They told
him they would give him shiny presents but he got nothing. Shay's new playmates were big lumbering dogs including a shaggy-haired Argentinian
mutt who kept falling over.

Arsenal, Tottenham, Manchester City
- for just a few million pounds a month you can

Early Doors knows it has stuck up for them in the past, but it sees a growing body of evidence suggesting that foreign owners can be a menace.

The merest mention of Tom Hicks, Thaksin Shinawatra or Those Guys Who Bought Derby can cause palpitations among many fans, while next week we may see a foreign businessman get a club relegated without ever buying them.

While in the process of trying to purchase Birmingham, Carson Yeung made it abundantly clear that he didn't think much of Steve Bruce.

Yeung never sealed the deal, but Brucey still bolted for Wigan, since which time things have gone

Anyone who has ever attempted to learn a foreign language knows that in order to guarantee success you have to start with the basics.

Early Doors does not mean picking up rudimentary grammar, learning the alphabet or even knowing how to introduce oneself.

No, any linguistic course always starts with the swear words. That's what makes the Brits such marvellous and welcome guests the world over.

This tried and tested formula has benefited stag parties, travelling football fans and really anyone whose idea of a good time is to jet out to Riga, insult the locals and get smashed in the local Irish