For the sake of the FA Cup, Early Doors begs the FA to move the semi-finals away from Wembley. And the final. And the play-offs. And the FA Trophy final. And any England games.
In fact, let's just use it for Coldplay concerts and nothing else, eh? With any luck Chris Martin might trip on a divot and twang a ligament.
The ludicrously bad state of the Wembley pitch has been a bone of contention since the stadium opened in 2007, and after the 10th re-laying of the turf we can say with some confidence that it will never be any good.
Just how bad is it? Here is a small selection of the criticism aimed at the pitch this year alone.
Harry Redknapp: "It's a disgrace ... It's rock hard and wet on top. It's impossible to play on."
Martin O'Neill: "It is poor in every aspect, slippery on top, divots being taken out, you lose your footing ... It was like they had a rock concert on it the night before. The rock concert boys would have complained about it."
James Milner: "It was very difficult, actually. It was slippery and was cutting up. Not good."
John Terry: "It was quite hard underneath ... a little bit slippy."
Alex Ferguson: "I think Wembley's a difficult pitch. I thought a horse show had been on it by the time I went on it. It reminded me of a ploughed field." (He also blamed the surface for injuries to Michael Owen and Wayne Rooney.)
As Fabio Capello is employed by the FA he has not publicly condemned the pitch, but he is known to be concerned, and reports suggest he is considering not using his top players in next month's friendly against Mexico for fear they will be injured.
Early Doors is certainly no expert when it comes to preparing a top class playing surface. Unfortunately, it seems neither is anyone who works at Wembley.
Last April head groundsman Steve Welch was sacked, and immediately blamed stadium bosses for failing to address numerous concerns during the stadium's construction.
He said: "We flagged up a number of issues, including drainage and irrigation, but we could make no changes. In the event, every one of those concerns materialised."
It turns out he might have had a point - nothing has changed in the last year and the pitch remains as hopeless as ever.
There are those who argue that if a dodgy pitch is good enough for Sunday league players, then pampered multi-millionaires should have no problem.
But ED is not making this plea on behalf of the whingeing players and managers, many of whom, coincidentally, have just lost an important match.
It is doing it for purely selfish reasons: it likes to watch decent football matches and there is no chance of getting one at the national stadium.
The first four FA Cup games at new Wembley finished 1-0, as have the last three Championship play-off finals.
But you don't need statistics or quotes to make your point - you just needed to watch about 20 minutes of either Cup match over the weekend.
Players fell over like Todd Carty on ice skates, divots appeared all over the pitch, the ball skipped off the ground with all the enthusiasm of a golf ball on a soggy green, and the referees were so busy trying to keep their footing they made a catalogue of game-changing errors.
So, what is wrong? This investigation by the BBC seems to blame Wembley's status as a multi-purpose venue, and the stadium's size which creates an unfriendly microclimate.
That hardly explains why the Emirates Stadium boasts one of the best surfaces in the country, the Millennium Stadium hosted some genuine classics, and foreign grounds like the Stade de France and Allianz Arena have no problem.
Anyway, Early Doors isn't interested. Wembley might have cost £800 million but if the pitch is no good then it can't have any football matches.
Move the Cup to Cardiff, to Old Trafford, to Hackney Marshes if you have to. Just ban football from Wembley until somebody produces a playing surface conducive to entertaining viewing.
- - -
QUOTE OF THE WEEKEND 1: "I don't know whether you've seen John Terry's challenge. It's horrendous. It's horrendous for an England team-mate. James Milner is exceptionally lucky his career's intact. It's a straight red card. It's straight in front of him [Webb]. The referee's right beside it [and] chooses to give him a yellow card." Martin O'Neill on John Terry's horror tackle on James Milner. The pitch made him do it.
QUOTE OF THE WEEKEND 2: It truly is a cold day in hell. Alex Ferguson has put Manchester United's failure to beat Blackburn down to - gasp! - his own team's failings: "We controlled the game and we should be doing better with the chances we had. We had so many opportunities and our decision-making has let us down. We weren't good enough. (Antonio) Valencia had an outstanding chance. He should have scored."
FOREIGN VIEW: Cristiano Ronaldo has come in for a shoeing following Real Madrid's defeat to Barcelona in El Clasico. The star of the show was not the preposterously self-nicknamed 'CR9' or even Lionel Messi, but Xavi, a man who completes a pass every 3.7 seconds - even when he's down the shops - and set up both goals on Saturday night. He's nicknamed Humphrey Bogart, you know, because he always plays it again.
COMING UP: A quiet day on the football front, unless Swindon v Exeter or St Pauli v Augsburg floats your boat. But stick around for stacks of weekend reaction including Team of the Week, Winners and Losers, Paul Parker and a podcast.