John Terry's miss last week provoked a bizarre outpouring of grief and a letter of condolence from the Primer Minister ("From one loser to another - Love Gordon").
But JT should buck up his ideas and get down to Brockworth in Gloucestershire, where sport really is a matter of life and death. That sport, of course, being cheese-rolling.
Like Mr Chelsea in Moscow, one Christopher Anderson's bid for glory ended in tears after a footwear malfunction saw him end up on his rear end.
Sadly for Anderson, he ended up there via a terrifying fall down a 200m hill with a one-in-two gradient.
Even as he was strapped into a spinal board and carted off by curd-loving medics, Anderson managed to hold back the blubbering, and there was no Ned Boulting around to hear team-mates hail his courage.
Instead 'pal' Shane Beard had the temerity to suggest Anderson dived: "The conditions were horrific, you just have to get your head down and hope for the best. Chris went flying, he is completely fearless but I hope he hasn't hurt himself."
While all Anderson can expect is an earbashing from his mum for being such an idiot, Our Brave JT is expected to be rewarded with the England armband at Wembley tomorrow night.
The rest of the England team might be forced to stifle giggles behind his back, but Terry can expect a rapturous reception from England fans, who love a loser all the more if he doesn't let his psychological scars stop him from shouting (see Pearce, Stuart).
With Terry going head-to-head with central defensive partner Rio Ferdinand for the full-time captaincy, surely the capacity for dressing-room warfare is massive.
Famed prankster Rio has spent the week forwarding those 'Caution: John Terry' emails and goading the Chelsea man with passive-aggressive jibes.
"I thought it was over. There was no way he was going to miss. It was so easy. I have so much respect for John, I couldn't believe he would cock up such an basic task."
Terry's main weapon is to harp on about how much he rates Jamie Carragher, a tactic whose impact has been diminished by Carra's retirement from international football.
Early Doors's eyes will be trained on Terry's nostrils to see whether he 'accidentally' evacuated the contents of his nasal cavity onto Ferdinand's neck as he did to Carlos Tevez in Moscow.
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There was Early Doors thinking that football agents were wily, shady characters, cleverly playing clubs off against each other to extract the best offer for their client.
As it turns out, they are so hapless there may soon be no candidates left for the Chelsea job - take Luiz Felipe Scolari's representative Acaz Fellegger.
Fellegger revealed that he only found out about Avram Grant's sacking when he read it in the paper, adding: "So the interest of Chelsea in Scolari is news to me."
Meanwhile, Roberto Mancini's Mr 10 percent also chose to distance his man from the Stamford Bridge hot seat, although he managed a world class piece of toadying, calling Chelsea: "One of the top five clubs in the world with a phenomenal president."
Hiddink's agent also left his man with very little room to manoeuvre, boldly stating there is "no chance" Golden Guus will be laying his eggs at Stamford Bridge next season.
All of which leaves a man who has been sacked by every club he has managed (including Sparta Rotterdam) as the frontrunner.
With so many top managers dropping out of contention, the also-rans are starting to believe they might actually have a shot.
Foremost among these is former Chelsea skipper Didier Deschamps, who had been considered too high-pitched for the job but who claimed yesterday: "Three or four managers are on the list. I am part of them."
Early Doors also has it on good authority that the other three are Dave Bassett, Alan Ball and Eddie McCreadie, who managed in the 70s before going on to the bigger and better thing that was the Memphis Rogues.
And following his excruciating attempt to talk the FA into giving him the England job, it can only be a matter of time until Sam Allardyce tries to squeeze his not-inconsiderable frame into the picture.
On a similarly downbeat note, those ubiquitous Manchester City insiders have changed their tune from the "we're going to sign Ronaldinho" bluster of a few weeks ago.
Now sources close to Mr Thaksin are using suspiciously tabloid language to admit they are waiting for a 'thanks but no thanks' call from Big Phil, just as soon as his agent remembers where he left his Filofax.
"City expect Scolari to snub them and reckon [Avram] Grant fits the bill."
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EURO 2008 GIMMICK OF THE DAY: The Sun's centre pages offer tips on picking a team to support in the Euros. Reasons for following the Czechs include: "Prague is beautiful - and it has cracking lapdancing clubs," while France's main attraction is: "Women with ze 'airy armpit hair. Va va voom!"
NON-STORY OF THE DAY: Rafa Benitez admits he cannot guarantee that Liverpool will win the Premier League next season. Expect more of this guff throughout the summer silly season. ED was, however, mildly intrigued to hear Rafa describe the title as "an option" and then suggest it is not one he intends on taking up.
FOREIGN VIEW: Marca continues it campaign to feature Cristiano Ronaldo on the front page every day until he signs, with Ramon Calderon saying mysteriously: "Our work is done."
TALKING POINT: Early Doors hopes it doesn't get shot for publishing this from our friend kevmun82: "Andy McNab = Complete p***k. My ex-girlfriend's father was in the SAS (and was the one who blew the roof during the 1982 Iranian Embassy siege) and he had absolutely nothing good to say about McNab. A chancer and a joker who from day one had his eye on profiting from his 'experiences'."
Today - Who would you hire for the Chelsea job?
COMING UP: Well, nothing really, except a few friendlies. So why not sign up for our excellent Euro 2008 Fantasy game instead?