Of the three Chelseas pictured in this morning's papers, Early Doors is least interested in the one that beat Olympiacos 3-0 last night.
The Sun clearly agrees, devoting considerably more attention to Our War Hero Prince Harry's snub-nosed bit of skirt Chelsy Davy.
Deliberate spelling mistake aside, Early Doors cannot remember ever seeing a front-page headline more gloriously inappropriate than "Harry's back in Chelsea".
Elsewhere Chelsea Clinton pops up alongside her dear mom, with Hillary racing back into contention for the Democratic presidential nomination.
Early Doors thought it had gleaned a thing or two about American politics from the West Wing, but it must have missed the episode when the Senator ran for president on a platform of: "I'm old enough to be your grandmother and my husband used to do this job. Although he did cheat on me that time, but we prefer not to talk about it."
If the football fundamentalists who populate the message board below are ticked off by all this chat about impostor Chelseas, just wait until the Flower Show.
It is with a heavy heart that Early Doors turns its attention to the football team, who recorded the very definition of a routine victory against the Greeks to reach the Champions League quarter-finals.
England now has three sides through, and anything but a complete meltdown will see Liverpool complete a four-team contingent in the last eight.
Early Doors has never seen the logic of the "support English teams in Europe" argument. If you hate Manchester United, why would you want them to win the Champions League?
Consequently, it finds this Premier League domination rather boring. Surely the point of the Champions League is to play new and exotic opponents, not to set up a midweek version of 'Grand Slam Pot Black Slam Dunk Super Duper Sunday'?
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Liverpool's second leg at Internazionale was delayed by a week because AC Milan played on the same San Siro pitch the night before.
Given that UEFA manipulate draws to keep teams from the same country apart and even suit TV schedules, how come they cannot even ensure everybody plays in the same week?
Rafa Benitez's men instead spent their night off thumping West Ham 4-0, and received good news on the injury front when Joey Barton was refused permission to play at Anfield this weekend.
Barton is not allowed on Merseyside as part of the bail conditions ahead of his trial for assault and affray after an incident in Liverpool city centre in December.
Newcastle's appeal for Barton to be able to face Liverpool and then Everton on the final day of the season was rejected, although without being condemned as frivolous.
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Britain is the world's biggest importer of champagne, according to figures released yesterday.
The 39 million bottles of fizz consumed are more than the USA, Japan and Spain put together - with only the French drinking more.
Early Doors estimates some 37 million of these bottles are glugged by Premier League footballers and their entourages.
Cristal Bucks Fizz is a WAGs' nightclub favourite (ingredients: £300-a-bottle champagne, Tesco Value orange juice), while Early Doors has even heard outlandish reports of players bathing their feet in vintage Dom Perignon.
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Early Doors favourite Alesha Dixon has got herself "romantically involved" with Aston Villa striker John Carew, according to a sensational scoop that exposes the Norwegian as "a gentle giant", "a really nice guy" and "a massive bloke".
More shocking was the photographic evidence that Dixon's ex-husband, Harvey from So Solid Crew, married her while wearing a preposterous white baseball cap.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY: "Football is like fighting a gorilla - you don't stop when you're tired, you can only stop when the gorilla is tired." Coventry boss Chris Coleman.
FOREIGN VIEW: "90 minutes of nothing" - Marca reflects on Real Madrid's tame defeat to Roma, remarking: "Six years without a Champions League is a very long time." Steady on...
TODAY'S TALKING POINT: Yesterday's lookalike quest threw up numerous worthy suggestions. Here are a selection of the best, admittedly somewhat diminished by a total lack of pictures.
Massimo Donati = An inanimate carbon rod (kevmun82)
Frank Lampard = kd lang (stumpyfingers81)
Cesc Fabregas = Syler from Heroes (double_t_uk2002)
Marlon Harewood = A Goomba from the Super Mario Bros movie (neo_booie)
Dimitar Berbatov = Wormtongue from Lord of The Rings (james_ssmith)
Roy Keane = Mahmoud Ahmedinejad (bmaq007)
Today's question: Inspired by Cristal Bucks Fizz, Early Doors wants to know the worst drink you have ever ordered. And any football chat is OK.
DISS OF THE DAY: Early Doors's own mother cannot even read her own offspring's pointless ramblings because of the fearful abuse it comes in for every day. But ED embraces all feedback, and will print any contribution that really makes it feel ashamed. Over to isabellet_is: "I don't understand how u peps find this funny. It's not funny it's not serious it's just c**p with a capital C. Early doors should find another career because his funny is really BAD!! Funny is suppose to make u laugh, and if ur audiance don't understand ur funny, then it's not working!!"
COMING UP: We have finally reached the point where the UEFA Cup isn't half bad. Catch full coverage of Fiorentina v Everton, Tottenham v PSV, Bolton v Sporting Lisbon and Rangers v Bremen live from 7.45pm.