Aim far and wide and there will be no limits to what you can achieve. Well, at least according to Early Doors's motivational guru at a recent seminar on attaining success through self promotion.
We prefer the 'seduce and destroy' method championed by Tom Cruise's Frank T.J. Mackey in the film Magnolia, but nevertheless it was an inspirational, if backache-inducing, couple of hours.
And apparently not just for a bunch of under-motivated journalists like ourselves - after Chelsea unveiled their latest mad cap scheme yesterday, we can only assume they too had sent someone in the hope getting inspired by the same drivel.
And it appears to have worked. Ever desperate to further expand their global brand, the Blues, ably led by globaliser-in-chief Peter Kenyon, have taken the next 'logical' step in their bid for world domination - or at least in their attempts to rival Manchester United for popularity in the Far East.
That step? A link-up with the Chinese equivalent of Pop Idol/X Factor/Britain's got Talent of course, only without the cringe-worthy singing, grotesque personalities and Simon Cowell (actually, we're not entirely sure of that - the final line-up of the panel is yet to be disclosed). Instead, the show will be based on football.
You see, Chelsea have joined forces with a Chinese television show called "Super Soccer Star Academy" (or something to that effect) in a bid to find the next Sun Jihai or Dong Fangzhuo.
It's great news for fans of reality television, who will be able to follow the fortunes of a bunch of 14 to 16-year-olds over 13 episodes, all of whom, much like the rest of us sad misguided souls, harbour dreams of one day playing professional football.
Expect hilarious put-downs from a former Chinese pro who wears his belt somewhere between his chest and belly button, tears, tantrums and a whole host of no-hopers as the show follows a predictable format which will see the number of contestants whittled down to a final round of four contestants.
And of course, should a star be discovered, who'll be there quicker than a Dennis Rommedahl sprint down the wing to offer a fountain pen and a hunched back to sign on? Everyone's favourite nurturers of local talent, of course.
The irony of Chelsea, in their own words, trying to "promote grass roots football in the country" - only in a nation about 6,000 miles away from England - is not lost on Early Doors.
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Tim Cahill's dedication to his incarcerated brother at the weekend seems to have divided opinion.
In the red corner - the one sponsored by the Daily Mail - sit those who found the Australian's "handcuff" goal celebration rather too edgy, given that his brother had kicked a man lying on the ground, leaving him partially blinded, to warrant his six year sentence.
The Mail even went as far to run the headline "Was this the day when Everton's Tim Cahill took the art of goal celebration too far?" on its back page yesterday.
But the backlash has started and in the blue corner - sponsored by the Daily Star - we find a different take on things.
According to today's paper, Cahill's pose "carried on a great soccer tradition of memorable moves by stars who find the back of the net" and the midfielder's emotional tribute "moved the crowd".
Early Doors can't see what all the fuss is about. Perhaps Cahill's only mistake was to let everyone know the significance of the gesture.
Nicolas Anelka and Yakubu both have a similar celebratory style, the only difference being that we haven't a clue what they signify. Here's hoping they both have some dark meaning that will be revealed years after we all cheered with them.
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FOREIGN VIEW: "It is just part of our DNA." If it is at all possible for a football club to possess DNA, then Milan coach Carlo Ancelotti believes the Rossoneri have a whole load of the stuff which makes them winners.
QUOTE OF THE DAY: "I watched when they got 80,000 for the game against David Beckham and LA Galaxy then 35,000 for the match against Melbourne Victory near the end of the season." John Aloisi tries to pay a compliment to his new club Sydney FC but just ends up highlighting how many part-time fans they attract.
TODAY'S TALKING POINT: Yesterday's topic had some of you reaching far back into the recesses of your minds to recollect some classic referring blunders, but this pearler from jcaley1 was the pick of the bunch.
"Many moons ago, Man City's Paul Power was sent off. He was already on a yellow when he got some mud in his eye, which left him half-blind because he wore contacts. He fumbled to the touchline to get it removed and promptly got a second yellow for leaving the pitch without permission."
Also a mention should go to andywalker269 for his fine tip-off about the China-Japan match on You Tube. But, as far as violent matches go, that one was a veritable walk in the park compared to Estrella Roja's clash with Deportivo Italia in Venezuela over the weekend.
Apparently, a "vicious brawl" between the two sides erupted after the goalless draw in which three players had received their marching orders. One, Estrella's Francisco Chavez swung more than a handbag at two opponents as he left the field and it all kicked off again at full-time as officials and players clashed, leaving the pitch looking more like a battle zone than a sports arena.
Deportivo midfielder Leopoldo Jimenez summed up the fracas pretty well: "It was not a clean fight. They got me from behind which is something you don't do."
And that prompts today's topic of conversation - best mass brawls ever. Post your views below in the usual way.
COMING UP: More Champions League action than you can shake a stick at, with Manchester United, Arsenal and Celtic all playing top class European opposition. And there's also Sevilla versus Fenerbahce featuring the artist formerly known as Colin Kazim Richards (who now goes under the altogether more exotic name of Kazim Kazim) if you're still hungry for more. Follow all four games with live text commentary later on eurosport.yahoo.com.