Early Doors can only apologise for its tardiness this morning, which has absolutely, categorically nothing to do with a pretentious, late-night bar in London's trendy Soho. Any such behaviour would be disgustingly clichéd and bracket ED with heinous characters in the ilk of Calum Best, Lindsay Lohan and Rhys Ifans.
In truth, ED was performing a valuable social service last night. The details shall remain cloudy, because ED hates to talk about its charity work, but it is safe to say worlds were put to rights and blue-sky thinking was to the fore. Moreover, the Chumpions League was nowhere near the agenda.
The fact that Arsenal and Manchester United both put out pub teams last night may have something to do with it. This trend to placate peripheral figures in dead rubbers is frankly a disgusting conspiracy that cheapens the Champions League and leaves it smelling like a Wetherspoons at midnight.
Wayne Rooney could have scored 10, stamped on five Danes and told Sir Alex Ferguson to clean his boots afterwards last night, but it still would have meant nothing. Who cares if Celtic won 2-0? Nothing can detract from the fact that Gordon Strachan's team have been abysmal this season. As for Arsenal's third team - the novelty wore off a long time ago Mr Wenger.
It's all about money of course. Without the pull of the filthy lucre there would be no need to have all this pointless football polluting our screens. The Champions League is a manufactured corporate shebang with too many matches and far too many teams. Whoever said 'less is more' has clearly never worked for UEFA.
Moreover, ED is left completely underwhelmed by the prospect of watching two English sides going head to head in the knock-out stages. You can take your Chelsea-Liverpool semi-final, and ED will go down the Groucho with Calum Best instead.
At least with Best you're guaranteed to see someone score.
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Apparently the Russian FA are planning to provide referees with invisible spray next season, in an attempt to stop walls encroaching at free-kicks.
The news has left ED wondering if this magical spray has already been in use in the Premier League. It would explain a lot.
Has Michael Owen has been covered from head to toe for the past 12 months? Does Cristiano Ronaldo have his modesty sprayed daily? What about Frank Lampard, is somebody in the England set-up covering him every time he puts on the shirt?
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TALKING POINT: Office Christmas parties, discuss.
COMING UP: LIVE scoring of the FIFA World Club Cup encounter between Adelaide United and Waitakere United.