Early Doors would strongly advise taking a deep breath before reading any further.
All done? Great. Because we can pretty much guarantee that this will be the craziest football story you'll read all year.
A spiritual healer and psychic from the South London suburb of Bromley who claims that she was Joan of Arc in a previous life has declared that Crystal Palace will not be relegated from the Premier League this season.
Palace have famously never managed to survive a season in the top flight since it was rebranded as the Premier League in 1992 - but this time things will be different, according to an alien race known as the Grays.
The aliens apparently gave the good news to psychic Stephany Cohen - and from the sounds of things they didn't merely provide the prediction, but even delivered a tactical analysis of how the Selhurst Park outfit will pull it off.
"They are being positive. Pulis has got a very good work ethic. His forte is defensive," Cohen told the Bromley News Shopper newspaper.
"Now what he needs to do is help the team by keeping clean sheets as much as possible between now and May."
This is not the first time that Cohen - who once claimed on TV that she has enjoyed romantic liaisons with these aliens - has passed on good news to a football team. Back in March the Grays advised Arsene Wenger to, "get rid of a whole lot of people and bring in a stronger squad - especially in defence."
And while Arsene Wenger didn't exactly follow that plan - despite hanging on to Nicklas Bendtner, which surely can only be explained by alien intervention - the Gunners have thrived ever since.
But Cohen warned that Palace's success in turning round their season won't be easy.
"They need a good team spirit, a good work ethic and good defensive tactics from the manager. If they stick to that they will stay up," she added.
"It will be hard work but it will pay off."
ED is immensely heartened to hear that aliens are paying such close attention to English football.
And one day, when lazy physicists have finally gotten around to cracking the mysteries of interstellar travel, we hope to be able to return the favour by offering our own predictions about Alpha Centauri's Zero-G Zxlytonball.