It is decision time across the world. As America goes to the polls to decide which country to blast the hell out of next, sport has reached a more important crossroads.
It has been a vintage sporting year, thanks to the likes of Lewis Hamilton, Andy Murray and the British Olympic team.
Only one sport seems to have bucked this positive trend, and Early Doors feels compelled to ask - Is there still a place for football?
Cricketers now play comedy beer matches in which the winners trousers $20 million (roughly four million pints of whatever you're having), while the losers plummet through a trapdoor into a tank of piranhas.
The Stanford Series is Test Match Special meets Hole In The Wall - Allen Stanford even borrowed Dale Winton's tan for the week - and even if the England players don't find it particularly entertaining, Early Doors most certainly does.
Rugby, hitherto the preserve of oafs, oiks and Strictly Come Dancing contestants, boasts British sport's premier WAG in the lovely shape of Danny Cipriani's better half Kelly Brook.
Given that Cipriani's previous conquests include a Cheeky Girl and a Ladyboy, it is probably fair to say he is punching above his weight.
After Lewis Hamilton's sprocket-busting near-choke on Sunday, we can no longer complacently repeat the standard line that Formula One is boring.
It is, however, a sport for geeks in which world championships can be decided by irrelevant details like the graining on Timo Glock's Bridgestones.
Even tennis finds itself in a bit of a golden era, with charmless Yanks like Pete Sampras consigned to history, and replaced by two of the greatest players ever and a charmless Brit who looks suspiciously like he might win something important one day.
Nowadays, it seems every sport has a young, attractive, talented mixed-race star who has taken it to new heights.
The phenomenon has also allowed lazy journalists (and they don't come any lazier than ED) to compare them relentlessly to each other.
Lewis Hamilton is the Tiger Woods of Formula One. Barack Obama is the Theo Walcott of politics.
No wonder Woods caused such a stir when he first broke through. There was virtually nobody to patronisingly compare him with. He would have to have been the Jeremy Guscott of golf.
Walcott is just about football's last hope if it wants to avoid a second straight year with no nominees for Sports Personality. The problem is, he is not particularly exceptional and not at all unique.
Facing an assault from all sides, what does football do? The only thing it knows how - trot out the same old rubbish and pretend it is the best thing that has ever happened.
Who really needs to see Roma losing to English opposition for the 15th time in six weeks? Or put up with the manufactured drama of Atletico Madrid fans coming to Liverpool.
Despite the popular, in-no-way racist, assumption that every Spaniard froths at the mouth with bigotry, insults and monkey noises, there will obviously be no trouble at Anfield tonight.
Tomorrow Celtic face Manchester United in yet another Battle Of Britain. It doesn't matter who wins because they are almost certain to play again next season.
Compare that to the genuine excitement of the original Battle Of Britain, when Rangers beat Leeds in the 1992-93 European Cup.
Early Doors says 'original' Battle of Britain simply because it is the first one it can remember. By all accounts Leeds-Celtic in 1970 was also quite tasty.
So too the actual Battle of Britain in 1940, which even Richard Keys might have to concede carried more significance than tomorrow's happenings at Parkhead.
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Early Doors has a novel solution to this malaise; withdraw English sides from the Champions League for five seasons.
European football was so exciting in the early 90s. After several years of exile, England's finest pitted their wits against mysterious and extremely good foreign opposition. And they lost.
Playing in Europe was different, and winning was extremely difficult. Nowadays it is harder to win the Carling Cup than the Champions League.
The latter stages are completely ruined by the total dominance of English sides. The same English sides.
However you look at it, a semi-final line-up of United, Chelsea, Liverpool and A.N. Other isn't much fun. So get rid of English sides from the Champions League until it gets difficult again.
The scheduling gap can be filled by the long-overdue resurrection of the Zenith Data Systems Cup.
And Early Doors would also keep English sides involved in the UEFA Cup or the Europa Windscreens Shield as it will be from next season.
Instead of teams scrambling to claim a top-four finish, the opposite would happen, with fifth becoming the plum position.
Once teams adjudged themselves to be out of the title race, they would engineer a mysterious and dramatic loss of form to try and parachute into the UEFA Cup spots.
Based on this spring's late-season swoon, Arsenal would be favourites to fulfil this role - nudging Spurs into fourth, obviously.
England's original European exile was provoked by the Heysel tragedy in 1985, this time we need a much more petty reason - like Arsene Wenger pulling Michel Platini's hair, or Alex Ferguson comparing every team in Europe to a different dictator ('Anorthosis Famagusta have always been Enver Hoxa's club').
It would drive the big four mental. Europe is the only thing Liverpool are any good at, while Arsenal and Chelsea will be denied the validation that comes with that first Champions League win.
And Manchester United fans will be subjected to another decade of Fergie's increasingly bizarre behaviour until he finally shakes off his European Choker tag.
In money terms, the Premier League would instantly transform from hot property to toxic debt. Goodbye oligarchs, billionaires and trillionaires.
It would also spell the end of big shots like Cristiano Ronaldo, Didier Drogba and Cesc Fabregas in this country. Frankly, good. Nobody likes them anyway.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY: As the world piles onto Joey Barton for his little flick of Gabriel Agbonlahor's face, Martin O'Neill assesses whether the incident affected the Villa man's performance: "It would have done if he had had to pick his nose up from the ground. It probably would have if he couldn't smell or couldn't breathe. It might have been a problem."
FOREIGN VIEW: Bild reports on a dispute between Bayern Munich's Martin Demichelis and a noted beauty surgeon. Cristian Perez Latorre claims he injected the player's lips with Botox; Demichelis describes the claim as "ridiculous".
COMING UP: Having trashed the Champions League, Early Doors invites you to follow our extensive and excellent Champions League coverage. It's Roma v Chelsea!
Don't miss it!