[Cue Champions League music, albeit in Nokia ringtone form]
Good morning and welcome to the inaugural Early Doors End-of-season awards - the Doorsies!
It is time to honour those people who have made this season so special, and look back at the laughter, the tears and the ludicrous tantrums.
[Cue montage of Rio Ferdinand kicking a wall, Sepp Blatter, some ropey-looking transvestites, Steven Gerrard diving, Ashley Cole turning his back on a referee and Middlesbrough playing in front of thousands of empty seats.]
[Cut to Fearne Cotton backstage]
This is a glittering occasion, with an all-star audience assembled - many against their own will - for the first-ever Doorsies ceremony.
Early Doors has sent one of those dodgy 'unofficial' Taxis to loiter outside Central London nightspots, collecting the dregs of the London party scene and a handful of West Ham fringe players looking to fill the void until next season starts on August 16.
It has then ignored drunken requests to go to some warehouse after-party in Hackney Wick, instead delivering these reprobates to the faceless suburban hinterland that Early Doors calls home.
The awards' timing just hours after the Sex And The City premiere means ED didn't have to bother putting on any kind of bar service.
It has merely snaffled a large carton of concentrated orange juice from the canteen, mixed it with peanut butter and milk, and christened the curdled result 'Early Delight'.
Sarah Jessica Parker has made it here, still dressed like an acorn, while Jodie Marsh, Callum Best, Keeley from Kent and the impostor from WAGs Boutique have just popped across the road to see what time the pub opens. News that John Smith's is £1.59 a pint on Tuesdays obviously travels fast.
But before we get under way, a word on award procedure from UEFA head of club competitions Michele Centenaro.
"Grazie, Willkommen und thank you Fearne. The draw for the Doorsies is very simple. Unseeded nominees for Best Post-Match Rant automatically go into the draw for Manager of the Year based on their coefficient, unless El-Hadji Diouf wins the Bob Carolgees and Spit the Dog Lifetime Achievement Prize, in which case the procedure is reversed and... Mamma mia, I cannot maintain this buttoned-up façade a minute longer! LET'S PARTY!!"
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The first award is Best Gay Rumour. With English football still deeper in the closet than Narnia when it comes to acknowledging the existence of gay people, the nominees take on a foreign flavour. Not that the nominees are gay. Although if they were that would also be fine (Note to self: stop digging).
Ronaldo (the Brazilian one) - Had a legendary run-in with three transvestites that he thought were run-of-the-mill call girls. Later confirmed he is "completely heterosexual".
Guti - The Real Madrid midfielder was pictured by a gossip magazine kissing "a man" outside a restaurant. It turns out it was his sister.
Richarlyson - Another Brazilian player, who took court action when an opposing manager "outed" him. The judge took little pity on Richarlyson, declaring football: "A virile, masculine sport and not a homosexual one."
And the Doorsie goes to... RONALDO!
Rather than going through this rigmarole every time, Early Doors would like to point out that none of the winners could be with us tonight.
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Next up, the Self-loathing Award, which goes to a man who hates his own team with a burning passion. And rightly so, given their inability to win a single match under his charge.
No point bothering with a shortlist for this one - the Doorsie goes to PAUL JEWELL for his astonishingly bitter attacks on his Derby players.
Sample quotes:
"That's the worst performance I've ever seen from a Premier League team." February 24 (after Wigan 2-0 Derby).
"How do I cope? I try and sneak out the back door. I am hugely embarrassed." April 14 (after Derby 0-6 Aston Villa).
"The fans who say we're not fit to wear the shirt are right." May 11 (after Derby 0-4 Reading).
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The Best Actor prize is always closely-contested, but the following players have shown exceptional ability in their field.
Nani - Headbutted Lucas Neill then collapsed clutching his own face. If Steven Spielberg ever remakes Saving Private Ryan, he need look no further than the Manchester United winger when it comes to casting 'Man Who Gets Shot In The Mouth'.
Steven Gerrard - The Liverpool skipper somehow maintains the image of a good, honest pro despite hitting the deck more often than a belligerent Ant McPartlin. Is English so he can't be a diver. Must be an inner-ear infection.
Emanuel Villa - The Argentinian showed tremendous acting prowess, managing to keep a straight face while describing his move to Derby as "A dream come true."
And the Doorsie goes to... STEVEN GERRARD!
Meanwhile, a disgusted Didier Drogba has stormed out of the auditorium after failing even to gain a nomination. The academy indicate that, while he is an on-field actor par excellence, he broke character in disappointing fashion with his succession of u-turns over whether or not he wants to leave Chelsea.
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Here are the runners and riders for Worst Signing:
David Nugent - Was a highly-rated England 'star' when he arrived at Portsmouth in July. By the end of August Harry Redknapp had tried to flog him to Bolton in an attempt to sign Nicolas Anelka. Remarkably, things went downhill from there, with Nuge starting just eight games and failing to score a league goal.
Darren Bent - Six goals is hardly a great return for a £16.5 million player, but more embarrassingly he became the subject of Martin Jol's argument with the board. Unsurprisingly, both sides claiming they had nothing to do with Bent's signing.
Jari Litmanen - Granted, he was a free transfer, but the veteran Finn was a disastrous acquisition by any standard. Failed to play after Fulham boss Roy Hodgson admitted he wasn't exactly cut out for a relegation dog fight. Sustained an ear injury after getting hit by a ball in training.
And the Doorsie goes to... DAVID NUGENT!
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A season wouldn't be worth reflecting on without a few debauched shindigs along the way, so here we bring you the Best Party category. And the nominees are:
Manchester United's Christmas bash - England captain in waiting Rio Ferdinand proved his credentials by reportedly cruising the local shops in Manchester finding pretty girls to invite to the strictly no-WAGS do at the Great John Street Hotel. How did no one smell a rat?
Shaun Wright Phillips's birthday - You all know that feeling - you've sunk £50,000 worth of booze and you're bursting for a leak. What do you do? Go to the toilet? God, no! Another England captain, John Terry, reportedly pissed in a pot (if only Rio had done that once upon a time) on the dance floor amid allegations of other players begging for threesomes, vomiting on the floor and a minor scuffle.
Spurs' Carling Cup celebrations - Ledley King went "berserk" after being thrown out of... you've guessed it, Faces nightclub in Ilford, resulting in a bit of a free-for-all on the street. The hangovers lasted three months, while a still-groggy King sat out most of the rest of the season.
And the Doorsie goes to... TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR!
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There is more bad-boy behaviour in the Biggest Hellraiser category:
Adriano - Overweight, unfit, out of form, perennially late for training and fresh from picking a fight with an American basketball player outside a nightclub in Milan, the Brazilian was shipped off to Brazil to sort his life out. Within days of arriving in Sao Paulo, he was photographed clutching a beer can at a pop concert and was involved in a car crash a week later. No transvestites were involved.
Joey Barton - Although the second half of the season has seen our Joseph largely stick to the straight and narrow, last year will be one to forget for him after one nefarious incident followed another, culminating in a stay in jail and a stint in rehab. And he's still awaiting trial for an alleged assault on Ousmane Dabo.
Jens Lehmann - Not a conventional hell-raiser, but worth a mention nevertheless for his unsettling egoistical rants at Arsenal and in particular arch-enemy number two (behind Oliver Kahn) Manuel Almunia. This is the man who has come out with gems like: "To be sitting on the bench behind somebody who only started to play when he was 30 is not funny", "I can't really say that anybody else is better than I am" and "I am without a doubt mentally the strongest player at Arsenal because I have more experience".
And the Doorsie goes to... ADRIANO!
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Our final award is for Best Dissent, and a chance for Chelsea to get their hands on some silverware through alleged car-vomiter Ashley Cole. Here are the nominees:
Ashley Cole - Already in the doghouse after the cream carpet incident, Cole made it a whole lot worse by launching a potential leg-breaker on Alan Hutton at White Hart Lane - and having the cheek to argue his innocence to Mike Riley. Cole petulantly turned his back on the official and the great national respect the referee debate began in earnest.
Javier Mascherano - The following week Mascherano proved he had either been living in a cave for the past week or was suffering from a mentally debilitating disease that caused him to forget what all the fuss was about. Steve Bennett was on the receiving end this time as the red mist descended leaving Mad Masch on the receiving end of a five-game ban.
Atletico Mineiro players - Apparently referees in Brazil have to put up with much more than a bit of verbal abuse - poor Carlos Eugenio Simon was chased off the Maracana pitch after failing to award a last minute penalty in a Copa Brasil match. He was surrounded by irate Atletico players who were heard to insult him before the official thought it would be a good idea to get the hell out of there and sprinted to the safety of the dressing rooms.
And the Doorsie goes to... ASHLEY COLE!
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Thanks for joining us for a live awards spectacular, Early Doors will return to its usual hit-and-miss format tomorrow.