Whatever happened to the spirit of adventure? As squibs go, this summer's transfer market has been damper than a herring in a jacuzzi.
To put it in fashion terms, staying where you are is the new black.
The summer's juiciest transfer stories have fizzled into an unsatisfactory nothingness. Cristiano Ronaldo, Samuel Eto'o, Didier Drogba, Emmanuel Adebayor, Gareth Barry and Frank Lampard - all seemed certain to move, yet none has.
All we want is the cheap thrill of seeing a genuinely famous player pulling on a different-coloured shirt, and all we got was Robbie Flipping Keane.
For all the Premier League's supposed allure to foreign players, the biggest money imports this summer have been a full-back (Jose Bosingwa), a striker with a tiny name (Jo - what do the City players call him for short?) and Luka Modric, about whom very little mystery remains on account of him repeatedly destroying England.
Lampard signed a new contract with Chelsea yesterday, ensuring a Nando's chicken in his bed courtesy of Inter Milan boss Jose Mourinho.
Fat Frank claimed he chose to stay because he loves his team-mates so much, saying: "You don't want to leave those lads or lose them, they'll always be close to my heart."
Early Doors wouldn't mind losing Ashley Cole, John Terry and Drogba - down a mine shaft, if possible - and can't help its cynicism over Lampard's motives.
The claim that dressing-room banter was a more important factor than £151,000 in his bank account every seven days (according to The Sun, although estimates vary) is almost as rich as Lampard himself.
So close is Lampard's relationship with his Stamford Bridge team-mates that in July 2007 he was claimed to have rejected a £131,000-a-week contract (always with the ones - it's like one of those Deal Or No Deal episodes with the deliberately quirky offers).
So close that Lampard went on to spend an entire year refusing to consider a four-year contract before eventually settling for an arithmetic-defying five-year deal that runs until 2014.
So close that his agent made a great play of Inter's interest throughout the summer, while Lampard himself admitted yesterday the Serie A champions were "an option that I had to look at".
Early Doors is on record as saying Lampard is actually not a bad player - strangely controversial a view as that may be - but it concedes that he has made the right decision.
Once Chelsea made it clear Lampard would not move to Inter this summer, the move never made sense.
He will be 31 next summer, with plenty of miles on the clock. There is more chance of Smug Peter Kenyon keeping his trap shut for more than 20 minutes than of an ageing English midfielder making a success of life in Serie A.
It is an important lesson in life: don't challenge yourself, don't reach for the stars, don't take a risk - there's a chance you could end up looking stupid.
If the path of least resistance is good enough for electricity, then it should be good enough for a professional footballer. And if someone is prepared to pay you nearly 40 million quid for five more years of the same, so much the better.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY: "I knew after 10 minutes I had Arsene Wenger rattled. The whole Arsenal team were rattled." Steve McClaren revels in his FC Twente team's promising start against a mostly teenage Arsenal side. Shame about the other 80, eh, Steve?
OLYMPIAN OF THE DAY: Greg McFadden, coach of Australia's women's water polo team, who had this to say after yesterday's 7-7 draw against Hungary: "The referee is an a***hole as far as I'm concerned. How's that a kick-out [exclusion] at the end of the game? We're up by a goal, we don't want to give away an exclusion, we foul the girl, we're trying to cut back. The Hungarian player has hold of us and we get excluded. That's just total bulls*** as far as I'm concerned. I'd like to kill the b*****d."
FOREIGN VIEW: Corriere dello Sport claim that AC Milan are in London to complete the signing of Branislav Ivanovic from Chelsea. ED suspects they would be better off with Ana Ivanovic.
In more Chelsea news, Marca claim Real Madrid have told Robinho he cannot leave - and the Brazilian is not happy. ED likes to picture the little fella swinging wildly at Ramon Calderon while the Real president puts his hand on Robinho's head to keep him at arm's length.
TALKING POINT: When asked what he had missed this summer risker15 proffered an enigmatic response: "ED telling the truth." Well, that Early Döorß was a lying toe-rag, so point taken.
lordofjapes remarks: "Could you not have found a photo of Dean Windass? I hate that Darnell from Big Brother."
And somebody claiming to be lindalover1314 reveals how folk on Merseyside have spent the summer: "I lav LIVERPOOL..and all the fans are here at N A T U R I S T M E E T^ com for you..."
Today: Lampard - Has he made the right decision? And is he really worth £150,000-a-week until 2014?