Early Doors kept a running diary of the World Cup draw. And here it is.
16:50 We're supposedly 10 minutes from draw time. Only we're not. We're 10 minutes from a nominal kick-off to festivities in Cape Town.
BBC coverage doesn't start until quarter past, so we're stuck with Sky Sports News for the moment. It's good of them to bother with coverage, since any sporting event to which they do not have rights normally gets a Stalinist airbrushing out of history.
SSN's ludicrous Jim White is trying to build excitement by speaking faster and faster as the afternoon progressed, whatever the subject.
He has just uttered the following 'sentence': "Adwaynebravocenturyhelpedwestindiestothreehundredandthirtysixforsixinthesecond-testagainstaustralia."
17:00 White has been lifted, hyperventilating, out of his chair, to be replaced by Ed Chamberlin, who explains draw procedure like it is an instruction manual for the Large Hadron Collider. It's not that hard.
Terry Venables, Roy Hodgson and David Seaman all seem to consider the draw relatively unimportant, which comes as something of a blow to the hype machine. Where's Jason Cundy when you need him?
17:10 Still no whiff of live pictures from South Africa. How unlike Sky to drag their coverage out unnecessarily. Meanwhile Eurosport-Yahoo!'s live text commentary is working, which is nice.
Incidentally, has there ever been a bigger presenting mismatch than Hollywood A-lister Charlize Theron and ultra-obscure FIFA pen pusher Jerome Valcke? Let's hope he's been practising his one-liners.
17:15 ED switches to BBC2, where the voiceover heralds a momentous afternoon and promises to get in "the thick of it". Does that mean there will be a foul-mouthed Scot threatening to disembowel his colleagues? Perhaps, but only if Alan Hansen has been drinking.
The first thing to become apparent is that Gary Lineker is in West London, not South Africa. Cheers for putting the licence-payer first. A highlights-by-numbers sequence follows - Maradona, Baggio, Ronaldo, Gazza, Hurst, Zidane... By the way, how rubbish was that Pele header in the 1958 final? Almost as bad as Motty's "Not so much Cannavaro as 'can you believe it?'" line in 2006.
17:25 Bombshell. Our man in Cape Town is Jonathan Pearce, not Motson, who has been detained in the studio (no Hansen). Given Pearce's penchant for shouting uncontrollably, there could be some awkward moments.
He is live in the convention centre, and as soon as he comes on screen McDonalds ads flash up on screens around his rather portly frame.
Alan Shearer has "a funny feeling" England will draw France. IT'S PURE CHANCE. Mark Lawrenson quips that they're handy up front. ED is ashamed to say it chuckled at that.
Motson thinks Shearer is right that we will get France or Portugal: "It just seems to be going that way." IT'S LUCK, DAMN IT! LUCK!
17:35 More studio-based prattle, and an interview with David Beckham. The pre-draw fun won't even start until quarter to six at the earliest. This is going to go on forever.
17:40 Gabby Logan and Gary Mabbutt don hard hats and flourescent jackets to have a look around the 'Soccer City' stadium that will host the final. ED doesn't even need to watch this to know it is the worst kind of BBC claptrap.
17:41 Yep. Complete guff. "Every pitch will be like a snooker table," apparently. Didn't know FIFA had authorised the use of baize.
Johnny 'The White Zulu' Clegg has just performed at the ceremony - not that we saw him - and the real action should be under way shortly. Please. At this rate, Claudia Winkleman's dreaming if she thinks she'll be on at 18:35. Her In Doors won't be happy.
17:45 Nelson Mandela delivers a pre-recorded address. Not too easy to mock the great man, even wearing a shirt that looks as though it has been cut straight from the rump of Elton John's cow.
A video montage introduces the participants. The French clip features Thierry Henry doing nothing more sinister than scoring a tap-in.
17:50 We are live to Cape Town at last, and the Soweto Gospel Choir. It's OK, but a World Cup draw would be even better.
Charlize Theron is joined on stage by the aforementioned Jerome Valcke, who goes in for one kiss too many. "Yes-uh, join huss!" he pleads.
A dull and largely inaudible interview with the CAF president later, Charlize asks Jerome to explain the draw procedure. Not even her Oscar-winning acting ability can make it seem like she truly cares.
18:00 There is another recap of the teams in the draw, for the benefit of the truly braindead. "I understand they will be drawn into eight groups?" asks Charlize unconvincingly. She is being comprehensively outperformed by a bureaucrat, although playing irritatingly dumb is clearly part of her brief.
18:02 On come celebrity helpers Haile Gebrselassie, John Smits and Makhaya Ntini. "He bowls from very wide on the crease," says Pearce, as though that's why Ntini is here. Matthew Booth, a tiny female footballer whose name ED doesn't catch and David Beckham join them.
18:05 And we're ready to go! Argentina go into Group B, which is an advantage as they are paired with South Africa's Group A. England into C, and they could face a second-round match against... oh cripes... Germany. Pearce seems not to have noticed this. He thinks it's a good draw as long as we win the group. If, Jonathan, if.
18:10 On to Pot 2. Charlize repeatedly says she is nervous. South Africa v Mexico is a hugely underwhelming opening game. England get... USA. Interesting! It's a toughie, but that's no bad thing. "I love this, it's so interactive!" chirps Charlize. England could get Australia in the second round - they are in Group D with the Germans. North Korea get to play against Brazil.
18:15 Now for Pot 3. Ivory Coast are in with Brazil - England dodge a bullet though it would have been fun. Charlize tells Gebrselassie to smile more, dubbing him "smily Haile". England get Algeria, which should be intense to say the least. But they aren't very good. Ghana into Group D, so another possible opponent for England. That one looks to be shaping up as the Group of Death.
18:21 Pot 4 now. ED is desperate for England to draw France or Portugal. It would just be a bit rubbish with anyone else. Let's hope Motty's inane predictions bear fruit.
18:22 France go into Group A... lucky, lucky French. So lucky. Unbelievably lucky. Lucky. Lucky. Lucky. Come on, let's have Portugal for England... oh, it's Slovenia. All enthusiasm for the World Cup has just drained out of ED. That's rubbish. Easy, but rubbish. Serbia into the nominal group of death with Germany, Ghana and the Aussies. Italy's group (New Zealand, Slovakia, Paraguay) is comically simple. Looks like Group G nicks 'of Death' status. Brazil, Ivory Coast and Portugal! And North Korea. Not even Kim Jong-il can save them now.
18:27 Right, well, that's that. And it even looks like It Takes Two will be on time. ED is desperately disappointed, but the possibility of a meeting with the Germans in the last 16 is enough to give it one redeeming feature. Becks's verdict: "All hard games and we're very honoured." Penetrating.
18:30 Pearce is not happy at Beckham's marginal contribution to the draw, saying: "Let's hope he plays a bigger role in South Africa." John Smits rather stole the show by making an unscripted joke.
18:35 Motson warns that Algeria have two Portsmouth players. Not for long if they keep forgetting to pay their players. It's a cakewalk for Fabio's boys, and everyone is delighted. But not ED.