Two days remain until the start of Euro 2008, and the excitement in Austria and Switzerland has reached feverish levels.
Which, in medical terms, means about 39 degrees centigrade - only slightly higher than normal, but enough to make you feel quite unwell.
Early Döorß might hail from a remote Alpine hamlet inhabited only by mountain goats and some distant relatives of the Governor of California, but it will admit its motherland is not fit to host a major football tournament.
Like most Austrians, it wants the country to, like any good Catholic, pull out to avoid embarrassment and focus instead on what it is good at - skiing, beach volleyball (no, really) and dangerously right-wing politics.
It is as if the well-fed UEFA suits decided that all those free trips to well-appointed four-star hotels in Portugal and the Low Countries were getting a bit tiresome and ensured the whole tournament took place within spitting distance of their HQ in Nyon.
If the Swiss are famous for anything, it's being good with numbers. Well, being good with numbers, cuckoo clocks, toblerones, alpenhorns, Emmenthal cheese and Nazi gold (a misnomer if ever there was one - the whole point is it wasn't theirs).
Anyway, in recognition of the Swiss talent for adding up how much of other people's money they have lying around in their bank accounts, Early Döorß presents some key figures for Euro 2008:
0 - Plumbers available anywhere in the UK on June 8 when Poland play Germany.
0.003 - Percentage chance that any commentator will pronounce the name of Greece defender Christos Patsatzoglou correctly at the first attempt. It could be worse - Socratis Papastathopoulos was the Greeks' unlucky 24th man.
1 - Stock description of each team's playing style, regardless of events on the pitch. Hence, Italy will still be 'arch-pragmatists' even if they beat Holland 9-7.
2 - Experts to lose job for misguided remark about seeing "what the Austrians have got in their locker".
3 - Number of foreigners who wish England were involved; Fabio Capello, Owen Hargreaves and Slaven Bilic.
6 - Number of French youngsters dubbed 'The New Zidane'. Italy should probably wear chest protection when the sides meet in the group stage.
7 - Viewers for Switzerland versus Turkey. Four of whom will have fallen asleep during The One Show and left the TV on.
8 - Consecutive 'Group of Death' appearances by the Netherlands. Early Döorß fancies the deceptively rubbish Dutch to prop up the table behind Italy, France and Romania.
11 - Goalkeepers blaming their ineptitude on the new Adidas Europass ball. Too light, too round, too shiny, too bouncy - take your pick. If it's a physical characteristic, some red-faced bloke in gloves will complain about it.
17 - Forlorn pundits putting the unconvincing argument that "It's a better tournament without England because we can just enjoy the football."
26 - Games attended by Fabio Capello, seated alongside Sir Trevor Brooking and a shady Italian coach whose name nobody has bothered to learn.
93 - Times BBC funnyman Gary Lineker says "That chap on the wing looks a bit useful" or "You might just have heard of this guy" when talking about Cristiano Ronaldo.
142 - Cutaway shots of Rafael van der Vaart's WAG, the really, really ridiculously good-looking Sylvie. Needless to say, she's a cut above Coleen, Abi, Posh and the girls.
231 - Interviews with lagered-up England fans (probably in cahoots with Dutch, Czechs or other hardy booze-lovers) who booked their trip eight months ago but were too witless to change their travel arrangements.
570 - Monty Panesar-style 'appeals' for a free-kick by Ronaldo, who doesn't even bother diving any more.
624 - Swaps accumulated by Early Döorß before it eventually polishes off its Panini sticker album with the elusive Joachim Standfest.
9,100 - Unemployed Swiss off licence owners, policemen, street cleaners, ticket touts and plastic pint cup manufacturers due to English non-participation.
12,700 - Gallic shrugs from Thierry Henry. Per game. Also the number of times he will be criticised for not fulfilling his potential on the international stage (100 caps, 44 goals plus World Cup and Euro winner's medals might suggest otherwise).
124,657 - Aficionados jumping on the Spanish bandwagon after they thrash Russia 4-0 in their opening game. To plummet in number after they draw with Sweden and lose to the Greeks.
403,870 - 'Wally with the brolly' mentions. Not including BBC Five Live, who have taken the questionable decision to make use of Steve McClaren's 'expertise'.
2,231,972 - Grown men giggling on discovering that Berne's Stade de Suisse is also called the Wankdorf.
2,231,973 - Grown men giggling on discovering that the Wankdorf stadium is the home of Swiss first division side Young Boys.
8,500,000 - Pounds paid by Newcastle United for journeyman Austrian striker Roland Linz after once-in-a-lifetime wonder-goal against Croatia.
670,000,000 - Europeans disappointed when Germany win the final on penalties.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY: "To be honest, I think bananas are a pathetic fruit." Andy Murray turns his Pearl Jam-loving angst on many tennis players' mid-match snack of choice.
FOREIGN VIEW: Japan's Shunsuke Nakamura is suffering with insomnia ahead of this weekend's 2010 World Cup qualifier against Middle-Eastern giants Oman.
"To be honest I haven't been sleeping well recently," he groaned.
"I can't sleep for more than three hours so I've been trying to catch up by taking daytime naps. My body's not in the best shape."
TALKING POINT: Yesterday's invitation to remember nice football moments was met with a predictably sarky response (with some notable exceptions - mentions of Manchester City's Munich tribute, Iraq winning the Asian Cup and Rangers' respect after Tommy Burns's death).
danny_slavin_uk: "I always find it amazing that Di Canio's 'passing up an open goal' occurred when the ball was dropping from the sky at a tricky angle that he could only try a snatched volley while several defenders were between him and the net...Not exactly an open goal chaps."
andy.sproston: "Back in the early 70s Chelsea player Steve Kember was awarded a penalty where he collected himself up off the floor and informed the ref that it was no foul, so the ref changed his mind and the game carried on. Not sure if it was nice moment or plain stupid - I will go with nice."
Angry young man the_kop2003: "I broke a guy's leg in a horrific two footed lunge, then rang him an ambulance - that was pretty decent of me."
benjipoulton: "The nicest thing in football - I like the way the likes of Ronaldo and Gerrard fall over without the defenders having to go to all the bother of touching them. Jolly decent."
sikka316: "Nicest moment for me has got to be Liverpool letting Titus Bramble get a goal against us just to prove he is still dangerous at both ends."
mpasc66: "Nicest thing in football - Steve McClaren saving me loads of money and liver damage by not having to enjoy several fantastic nights in June down the pub watching England in the Euros. Thanks Steve."
COMING UP: A bit of a quiet one, unless you're interested in Valerenga v Ham-Kam or Hacken v Orgryte. This website, it should hardly need saying, is not.
Meanwhile the juggernaut that is our Euro 2008 preview coverage continues to gather momentum, so much so there is a real danger it will be unable to stop by Saturday, and will crash horribly into the tournament proper, leaving nothing but charred wreckage where once there was a fledgling football competition.