Early Doors is frighteningly awake this morning. Halloween has fallen on a freakin' Friday and it would be horrifying not to leap on its back like an enraged Joey Barton. So thaw your newts' eyes, gather round the cauldron and get ready for the spookily appropriate fancy-dress themed edition of...wait for it...Eerie Agbonlahors. Ahhh Haaaaa Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!
ED has it on good authority that all 20 Premier League clubs will be holding Halloween parties this weekend, but seeing as footballers are a pretty uninspired bunch we've decided to help our favourite stars choose fitting costumes for the occasion.
No matter how times you kill him, he just keeps on coming back. Rafa Benitez used his telekinetic powers to raise Fowler from a lake in Cardiff, but his killer instinct wasn't what it was. Paul Ince was next, hypnotised into eating Fowler's heart and bringing him back to life at Blackburn. Tonight Robbie Fowler, you will be Jason Voorhees. But you will never reproduce your early form.
He has a high-pitched voice, spends thousands on ill-advised clothes and successfully undermined the credentials of an old-fashioned leader from a bygone age (Kevin Keegan). And he's remarkably small. Wisey must surely attend the Newcastle party as Sarah Palin.
Our Nic is very quick, with the capacity to produce magic and a prominent nose. Being such a footballing mercenary, however, ED is not certain whether he should go as the Wicked Witch of the East or West. Either way, he'll scare the living daylights out of the club accountant.
Sir Alex Ferguson
Fergie rules over a magical land where a fantastical array of strange-looking creatures once roamed freely (think Bryan Robson, Paul McGrath and Norman Whiteside). Nowadays these beautiful climbs are run with a stern majesty, and with one wave of the great one's wand a young faun (Lee Sharpe for example) can be exiled forever and turned into (Steve) stone. When the time comes to lure fresh talent, Fergie always has a large box of Turkish Delight (hard cash) on hand. Ladies and gentlemen, we give you Fergie as the White Witch of Narnia.
Tottenham's Brazilian 'goalkeeper' is so frighteningly bad it's hysterical. But are there are sinister undertones to his buffoonery? Gomes arrived to nurse Spurs to better days and help Juande Ramos author a new chapter in their history. By the time his early work was finished, however, he had metaphorically broken both of Ramos's ankles with a hammer and left the Spaniard a desperate man with no future. Heurelho Gomes is Annie Wilkes from Misery.
The West Brom back four
Terrifyingly bad and full of holes, Tony Mowbray's defenders should all arrive at Adrian Chiles's Halloween bash dressed as Pin Head from Hellraiser.
Over to you...
- - -
Wayne Rooney's sensational form has lit up the Premier League this season, with the bullish striker back to his brilliant best in both the red of Manchester United and the white of England.
At the forefront of this rejuvenation has been his shooting - the man just cannot miss. But perhaps we should have seen it coming after Rooney's spitting episode in July. According to reports Wayne launched a wicked swerving, dipping gob onto the back of a photographer from fully 25 yards outside a Chinese restaurant in London. What a finish!
- - -
QUOTE OF THE DAY: "I'm not going to waste any time answering him. I admire his history but recently he has gone a bit senile." Real Madrid president Ramon Calderon hits Sir Alex Ferguson with the same 'old man' jibe Fergie used on Sepp Blatter. ED predicts a dead horse's head will be found in Calderon's bed tomorrow morning.
FOREIGN VIEW: New Argentina coach Diego Maradona is coming to England this weekend, reportedly to watch Carlos Tevez and Javier Mascherano in action. Don't be surprised if Manchester City try to sign him.
COMING UP: There's a full Premier League programme this weekend and you can follow LIVE scoring and commentary right HERE at Eurosport.yahoo.com.
TALKING POINT: What will you are wearing for Halloween? And who is the scariest man in the Premier League?