If there's one thing Early Doors can't stand, it's people assigning undue significance to meaningless pre-season friendlies.
That and the usual stuff like rudeness, poor time-keeping, motorsports enthusiasts and world poverty, of course.
Take Chelsea's 5-0 win over Milan Reserves in the 'Railways Cup' in Moscow yesterday. Eye-catching? Certainly. Comically one-sided? Sure. Essentially pointless? Yes.
Pre-season friendlies exist for two reasons. Firstly, to give players a chance to build up their fitness prior to the start of the season proper and secondly, to allow clubs to fulfil contractual obligations to their money-grabbing sponsors.
Managers, frankly, don't care if they win, lose or draw, provided they can get everyone back on the plane without having suffered serious injury and without having committed a horrendous cultural faux pas in any of the pre- or post-match press conferences.
Chelsea's win yesterday proves nothing more than that they are at a more advanced stage of their pre-season preparations than Milan.
The Italians, furthermore, were missing a whole host of senior players, and with blundering second-choice goalkeeper Zeljko Kalac between the sticks they would probably have succumbed in similar fashion to Chelsea's under-9s.
And yet wherever you look you find people trying to attribute meaning where none exists.
The Observer newspaper claimed Man United's narrow 1-0 win over Espanyol in Ole Gunnar Solskjaer's testimonial match proved that they are desperately lacking in firepower up front, while ED has also seen it suggested that Darren Bent's 11 pre-season goals against the likes of Norwich and Leyton Orient mean he's now a good bet for the Premier League Golden Boot.
Breathlessly caught up in the excitement you have Sky Sports, with Jeff Stelling referring to Hamburg's 3-0 win over a jaded Juventus yesterday as an Emirates Cup "six-pointer".
In none of Sky's coverage of any of the pre-season tournaments it broadcasts will you see or hear the key word 'friendly', and ED is genuinely beginning to fear that people will start to forget the intrinsic worthlessness of these mid-summer showcases with their pointless tin-pot trophies and embarrassing presentation ceremonies.
The Wikipedia entry for the Premier League Asia Trophy describes it as "a prestigious four-team football tournament complete [sic] by three Premier League football clubs and a local team from the host", whereas in real life its prestige is comfortably superseded even by the long-deceased Zenit Data Systems Cup.
Take the Community Shield, which, if you'll believe the hype, is a chance for the teams competing - usually two of the Big Four - to score "an important psychological blow" before the business of the Premier League gets under way.
Of the last 14 winners, only three have gone on to win the league in the following season, which should serve as pretty conclusive proof that pre-season friendly results should be approached with all the caution of a night on the town with Joey Barton.
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When ED first heard the news that the world's sixth richest man Anil Ambani was preparing to buy Newcastle United, its initial reaction was one of horror.
Surely the last thing the Premier League needs is another cash-rich foreign businessman with no interest in the game muscling in at one of the country's oldest and best-loved clubs.
But then ED remembered who currently manages Newcastle, and if anyone can splurge a reported £150 million transfer kitty on talented but incurably temperamental players it's Kevin Keegan.
A forward line of Antonio Cassano, Denilson (the older, rubbish one), Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Lee Trundle would make the Newcastle of Ginola, Asprilla and Beardsley look as dour as George Graham-era Arsenal by comparison. And suddenly that takeover doesn't seem quite so unappetising after all.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY: "I've been 10 years in Real Madrid. It would be very difficult to move. But if I move from Real Madrid I'd love to go to the Premier League. Or Dubai." Spanish full-back Michel Salgado leaves us in no doubt as to where his motivations lie. Yup, that's right. His wallet.
FOREIGN VIEW: Dennis Bergkamp's well-documented fear of flying meant he was unable to feature in any of Arsenal's more arduous overseas trips in European competition, but it could have been a lot worse. Bolivian midfielder Raul Gutierrez has had to retire from football altogether because his own plane phobia has forced him to miss all of his club side Blooming's away matches, thereby earning him a 50 per cent pay-cut.
HEADLINE WRITERS' DREAM: Argentine side Independiente are desperately trying to hold onto their highly-rated goalkeeper Fabian Assman, amid reported interest from Benfica. Independiente fans have been inundating the club's website with claims that a move to Europe would make him the subject of ridicule, but ED is sure European football fans have got better things to- ASS! HIS NAME'S GOT THE WORD 'ASS' IN IT! HA HA HA HA HA!
TALKING POINT: What is your favourite amusing footballer's name? ED has always been a big fan of Australian goalkeeper Norman Conquest.
COMING UP: Transfer Talk should be with you by lunchtime, and there's also the latest instalment of our guide to the really quite wonderful Yahoo! Fantasy Football game.