Early Doors remembers some slow news days but yesterday was one of the worst since the great news drought of 1864.
Not since the time Moses Ashikodi's loan move to Watford adorned the top of this website have ED and its saggy-faced colleagues scratched around so hopelessly in search of something that people might actually care about.
It is on days like this when Uli Hoeness's utterance: "I want to sign another star player for our midfield" is taken as proof positive that Bayern Munich are about to snap up Arsenal's Mathieu Flamini.
The problem, of course, is that even though there is no news, you have to act as though what scraps you find are the most important thing to happen since the invention of the wheel or the elimination of Michael Johns from American Idol (no, Early Doors can't believe it either - it had to be Kristy-Lee Cook).
Sky Sports News weren't about to let tumbleweed blow lazily across an empty studio, although it might have been more entertaining than four hours of Eddie Newton speculating blindly about Avram Grant's future (he should leave that to Early Doors).
This morning's back pages reflect the lack of anything interesting to talk about. The Sun features Tal Ben Haim having a pop at poor old uncle Avram, while most other papers attempt to justify their correspondents' air fare to Lesotho by trotting out some platitudes spouted by Fabio Capello while on a goodwill trip to Africa.
Let's just check the eurosport.yahoo.co.uk homepage... oh, that's right, us too. Apart from the bit about getting sent to Lesotho, obviously.
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The Championship is often rather glibly described as the "toughest league in the world".
If it's so hard, Early Doors would like to know how Derby managed to get out of it last season.
People are obviously confusing difficulty with competitiveness. Just because it is close at the top it doesn't make it hard. It just means there are plenty of good teams and no outstanding ones.
And in any case, is this not the same division that, in recent years has been won by Bolton, Sunderland, Fulham, Manchester City and Reading by respective margins of 18, 18, 10, 10 and 16 points?
Still, with five points covering the top five and everyone down to 13th-place Burnley still in playoff contention, it all makes for good clean fun.
Certainly more interesting than the finish to the Premier League, which has every chance of going into the final day with absolutely nothing at stake at either end of the table.
While Early Doors is playing lip service to the lower reaches of the football ladder, it would like to congratulate Aldershot Town, who gained promotion to League Two last night.
A supporters' group set up Aldershot following the bankruptcy and dissolution of, er, Aldershot in 1992 and they are now back in what might very loosely be termed "the big time".
When Early Doors was younger, wider-eyed and stupider, it heard the name 'Aldershot' in the classified scores and imagined an utopian metropolis of unbounded beauty and happiness. Then it went there.
But any town whose Wikipedia entry contains a section entitled "The Beatles in Aldershot" obviously has enough civic pride to merit a team in the football league.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY: "Jose Mourinho is the reason I came to Chelsea and if I knew Avram Grant was going to be the coach then I would have signed for another club...I knew nothing good would come for me with Grant as Chelsea coach." Like John Hartson, Tal Ben Haim certainly knows how to kick a man when he's down.
APOLOGY OF THE DAY: Admittedly it's football of another kind, but Early Doors had to share San Diego Chargers linebacker Stephen Cooper's 'apology' after he was suspended for violating the NFL's substance abuse policy: "I regret that I mistakenly took a stimulant that I did not realise at the time was banned by the NFL. I support the NFL's anti-doping policies and understand that I must serve a suspension even though the stimulant that I took was not used before any game and was not used to enhance my performance." Touching stuff.
TALKING POINT: With no news to occupy their time, the good readers of Early Doors set a new record for comments at the bottom of a post yesterday, clocking up a whopping 127.
However, some were less than impressed by the allegedly lukewarm banter, with double_t_uk2002 moved to declare it "as boring as a Chelsea match".
Double_t then came in for some criticism of his own, as tosinbox slammed his use of a compound sentence and "multiple punctuation errors". And so the chivvying continued until the record fell.
Still, Early Doors is alright by any argument that inspires the_kop2003 to remark: "I personally think he sleeps in a bed with his mother, but that's just my opinion." Better than sleeping on the floor, eh?
Today: Which is the hardest league in the world? And don't just say 'The Premier League' - Early Doors is thinking more along the lines of a competition where players get grenades lobbed at them mid-match.
COMING UP: While cleaning out its lair last evening, Early Doors discovered, underneath a gargantuan pile of pizza menus and Grattan catalogues, its long-lost sibling.
A scrawny type in flannels and a floppy hat, this chap spouted a load of mumbo jumbo about googlies, silly points and the Duckworth-Lewis method before announcing that its name is Cow Corner.
'Cowers', as it likes to be known, has rather a fancy for the quaint old game of cricket, and will be publishing its own inane thoughts on a daily basis throughout the summer.
The first instalment goes up to coincide with the start of the County season. Which, apparently, means today.