Early Doors, it is fair to say, remained less than captivated by events at Goodison Park last night, dipping in only during the breaks in Mariah Carey week on American Idol.
ED would love nothing more than to bore you with the details of every performance and the judges' verdicts ("Yo yo, check it out, dog. It started out a bit pitchy for me but it was a-ight, man. I wasn't mad at you but I didn't love it.").
But it will save the Idol special for another day, other than to point out that Tim Cahill is not actually out for the season with a foot injury. In fact he is conquering the hearts of America in the guise of a talented but slightly creepy 17-year-old by the name of David Archuleta (above).
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Chelsea might have won last night, but that didn't put a stop to the Grant-baiting, particularly after uncle Avram's monosyllabic display in the post-match press conference.
He said he didn't know what pleased him about the performance, whether Chelsea were in title race or indeed why he was so reluctant to say more than three words at a time.
He also claimed he had "no message" for the Chelsea fans, which is probably less inflammatory than "get stuffed, you ungrateful louts".
Grant's behaviour unsurprisingly provoked outrage and derision from the media, who always get whipped into a frenzy when somebody disrespects the media.
The Sun asked: "Av you gone mad?", while The Mirror dubbed him "Avram Grunt", which may not have been the most sensitive selection given Grant is Jewish and grunting is what pigs do.
Grant has been treated so badly by his club, the fans and the media that the only thing he can do is win a trophy and then tell them to shove it up their collective rear end.
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While flicking through the glossy magazines brought to its lair by Her In Doors (honest), ED couldn't help but notice Cheryl Cole has been parading around without her wedding ring following Ashley's recent alleged indiscretions.
The Geordie songstress had attempted to shrug off talk of a rift between them by claiming she has discarded the ring simply because she has lost weight and it keeps slipping off.
To paraphrase Ashley's most famous quote: "She's taking the p***!"
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Carlos Tevez has, it says here, "stunned" team-mates with his choice of nightclub beverage. While Rio and the gang are popping Cris and sipping 'Yac, Carlitos prefers to kick back with a soothing cup of tea.
A source told the Sun: "Carlos likes to hit nightspots with the team, but while others knock back alcoholic drinks, he often has tea. His mates find it hilarious."
So hilarious, in fact, that they have given him a side-splitting nickname: 'Carlos Tea-vez'! Who says there are no characters in football any more?
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Cricket's Indian Premier League kicks off, or whatever it is cricketers do when they start a match, today.
While ED will leave the in-depth analysis to its flannel-wearing sibling Cow Corner, it can't help but express its excitement at the groundbreaking project, and has already downloaded its Kolkata Knight Riders wallpaper ahead of today's opener in Bangalore.
If a traditional sport like cricket can embrace the Twenty20 format and a league where teams are basically picked in a big playground with money, how come football remains stuck in the mud?
Compared with the IPL, the '39th game' concept is positively conservative, yet it provoked a storm of protest.
And football is the last major sport not to make use of video technology, even for obvious stuff like whether the ball has crossed the line.
This resistance to change seems bizarre given the massive change and commercialisation elsewhere in the game.
Put it this way - the next time Arsenal field 11 players from Islington, Early Doors will listen to people complaining about foreign ownership and games going abroad. Until then, sit down and shut up.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY: "I'm still alive - you can't kill me." Avram Grant. Not without garlic and a stake to the heart, you can't.
ASSESSMENT OF ALEX FERGUSON'S EATING HABITS OF THE DAY: "I had lunch with Alex on Monday..he's as hungry now as he was in 1986." Bryan Robson reveals Fergie still likes a good feed even in his later years.
FOREIGN VIEW: Does nobody notice that the transfer rumours in Corriere dello Sport always turn out to be a load of horse dung? Today, Roma winger Mancini is off to Juventus. Only he isn't really.
TALKING POINT: Early Doors's plea for no swearing yesterday fell on deaf ears so, like naughty schoolkids, you're not going to get a talking point today. Just bicker amongst yourselves.
COMING UP: The hilarious Cow Corner has full coverage of the IPL opener, while on the football front we have the usual weekend previews and Fantasy Football cheat sheet.