With Early Doors off on its winter break stealing presents from needy orphans, quaffing Granny Doors's sherry and falling asleep in front of the Strictly Come Dancing Christmas special, here is a selection of ED's 'best' moments from 2008.
On spelling mistakes: 'Early Doors was rather taken by Mohamed Aboutrika's goal celebration after scoring against Sudan. The Egypt playmaker revealed a t-shirt stating: "Sympathize with Gaza". Referee Koffi Codja promptly booked him - suggesting he does not - and Aboutrika was later warned for his politically-motivated actions. But sources close to Early Doors suggest the whole farrago was caused by a simple spelling mistake. Aboutrika meant to pay tribute to a troubled ex-pro by declaring "Sympathize with Gazza".' ('Sympathize with Gazza', January 28)
On England fans: 'The Wembley boo-boys will claim that they paid their money, and had every right to down 12 pints of weak lager, disrupt the minute's silence for the Munich Air Disaster and barrack the new man in the dugout.' (Thirty-six minutes, February 7)
On Milan's average age: 'The music industry is basically football with a less stringent drug-testing regime - and anyone hoping to see the Arsenal game can just pretend the superannuated likes of Ozzy Osbourne and Paul McCartney are Milan players. Now he has got time on his hands, Fidel Castro might also consider trying out for a place in the Milan back four. The rossoneri need a new elder statesman in defence now that 41-year-old Alessandro Costacurta has finally retired and with Paolo Maldini set to bow out at the end of the season.' (Close but no cigar: February 20)
On Middlesbrough disrupting the FA's lunch to appeal a red card: 'In a fit of foie gras-induced pique, they (the FA) decided to send a message to anyone foolish enough to wreck their mealtime fun. (Jeremie) Aliadiere's appeal was condemned as 'frivolous' and his ban increased from three to four matches.' (More sauce, sir? February 27)
On the decline of English football: 'In what one can only assume was a genuine moment of spontaneous genius, a French waiter who was once serving Early Doors likened French cuisine to English football. "Eet used to be ze best in ze wurld, but lately zose involved 'ave become complacent and arrogant. Ze whole sing needs a kick up ze ass eef sings are to get betteur," said the friendly serveur, before suggesting ED had its filet de boeuf cooked saignant with a sauce au poivre.' (Ooh la la, March 25)
On a complete absence of news: 'Early Doors remembers some slow news days but yesterday was one of the worst since the great news drought of 1864. Not since the time Moses Ashikodi's loan move to Watford adorned the top of this website have ED and its saggy-faced colleagues scratched around so hopelessly in search of something that people might actually care about.' (The great news drought, April 16)
On the Becks PR machine: 'David Beckham is a Muppet - official!! Becks made a right Big Bird out of himself by appearing on Sesame Street to teach Elmo a new word.' (Nacho, Nacho man...I want to be a nacho man! May 2)
On Champions League final preparations: 'Ryan Giggs is pictured in the team hotel struggling with three small bottles of water, while Rooney is cradling two. On a day of such magnitude you have to wonder why United didn't pay for both to have a single, larger bottle.' (Early Doors: LIVE in Moscow!*, May 21)
On John Terry: 'The rest of the England team might be forced to stifle giggles behind his back, but (John) Terry can expect a rapturous reception from England fans, who love a loser all the more if he doesn't let his psychological scars stop him from shouting (see Pearce, Stuart).' (The Big Cheese, May 27)
On smoking managers: 'It is hardly earth-shattering to see the stogie-puffing (Marcelo) Lippi return for another crack of the whip after lifting the World Cup in 2006, particularly given the current vogue for smoking in international management. Joachim Loew contravened any number of health and safety regulations to enjoy a sneaky snout from the comfort of his box when Germany beat Portugal. Croatia boss Slaven Bilic used to smoke as a player so you can hardly expect him to stop now he doesn't have to run 12km twice a week. The three managers look so cool lighting up that they alone can be held responsible for around 5,000 lung cancer deaths a year. But by God they're stylish.' (Thank you for smoking, June 27)
On Hearts new diet: 'Out will go chips, chocolate and fizzy drinks. Instead the players face a diet consisting purely of mung beans and lentils. It is known as the Calum Best diet - anything with a pulse.' (Military precision, July 28)
Some eerily good predictions: 'Relegation - Stoke City, West Bromwich, Blackburn Rovers: No explanation needed for the first two, other than to say ED has a funny feeling that Hull are less useless than everyone thinks. As for Blackburn, they have lost two of their most important players - David Bentley and Brad Friedel - and replaced them with Robbie Fowler and an England goalkeeper. And how will Paul Ince, the original Big Time Charlie, get on? He might be able to throw his weight around in Macclesfield or Milton Keynes, but ED foresees disaster when he takes charge of 30 Premier League-sized egos.' (Pre-season predictions, August 15)
On an unsung hero: 'Darren Fletcher has scored 100 per cent of Manchester United's goals this season. In the pantheon of sentences you never thought you would read; that has to come pretty close to the top.' (The new Pele, August 26)
On Mr Popular Dennis Wise: 'In light of his involvement Early Doors expects (Dennis) Wise to be issued with the Geordie equivalent of a fatwa. Ant and Dec will present a one-hour special renouncing him, Jimmy Nail will record a comeback album featuring the track "my crocodile shoes in Dennis's face" and Sting has agreed to seduce Mrs Wise to exact revenge.' (Et tu Wisey, September 5)
On Manchester City's lonely hearts advert: 'Needy football club (130) in North West seeks fabulously wealthy Arab businessman for fun and frolics. Must have means to cater to expensive tastes. Millions (preferably billions!) needed for new talent - don't expect to see any of it back! Good sense of humour a must.' (Would like to meet, September 17)
On lookalikes: 'Has anyone else noticed that you never see Cristiano Ronaldo and Gok Wan in the same room?' (Ronaldo's fashion fix, October 8)
On good old football: 'Early Doors remembers the glorious simplicity of the 1990 World Cup qualifying competition, which took place before anyone had thought to tear down the Iron Curtain, nip down to Laura Ashley and replace it with a nice fuchsia and duck egg design. There were a mere 32 teams comprising seven groups with the winners and runners-up qualifying for Italia '90.' (Bring back the Iron Curtain, October 15)
On ED's long-dead grandmother: 'In a bizarre twist, conventional wisdom has it that the scrappier the goal, the more valuable and worthy it is...Well excuse ED if it sees greater merit when Rooney smashes in a long-range piledriver or produces one of those sumptuous chips than when he scores from a yard out. Early Doors's great-aunt could have followed in Michael Carrick's shot against City and she's been dead 20 years.' (What's so great about tap-ins?, December 4)
On an unlikely feud: You see, Droylsden are known as the Bloods. So it is both logical and painfully obvious for ED to suspect foul play on the part of the Crips, with rap gangstas Snoop Dogg, Warren G and Ice Cube conspiring to ensure the tie is never settled and Droylsden's bid for promotion is derailed. (Droylsden in Snoop Dogg beef, December 17)
Hate figure of the year - Peter Kenyon
There is something about the Chelsea chief executive that really rubs Early Doors up the wrong way. In fact there are a lot of things. Here is a selection of purple-faced rants aimed at the big, bald nincompoop:
'Such skills are lost on Chelsea chief exec Peter Kenyon, whose ability to strike a deal lags some way behind his talent for being pictured on TV with a self-satisfied grin.' (I'm sorry I Havant a clue, January 8)
'The loathsome Peter Kenyon - a living, breathing, smirking incarnation of all that is commercial and tacky in the modern game.' (Many a slip between cup and lip, May 22)
'That was bad enough for Blues fans, but for neutrals it was even worse, as they were given an extended interview with chief executive Peter Kenyon bleating on about "international marketplaces" and "10-year plans for sustainability".' (The Terminal, May 23)
'There is more chance of Smug Peter Kenyon keeping his trap shut for more than 20 minutes than of an ageing English midfielder making a success of life in Serie A.' (The easy road, August 14)
'TALKING POINT: kantong_wokster comes up with a novel use for Peter Kenyon, pictured with the Frank Lampard in yesterday's ED: "The reason why they put fat Frank next to Kenyon is kind of like the 'black slims you down' rule... he makes Frank look like he's malnourished..."' (Pre-season predictions, August 15)
'Reports of a deal to take Robinho to Manchester City surface. Apparently, a deal is already in place, with a fee of £32.4m being reported. It would be worth every penny, if only to see Peter Kenyon's face in the morning.' (Revolving Doors: Deadline Day Special, September 1)
'Kenyon is the smug, soulless, corporate embodiment of 'Bad Chelsea'. A man who seemingly believes that if you act like the biggest club in the world, it saves you the bother of having to win any actual silverware.' (Wanted: Chelsea 'Robinho' replica shirt, September 2)
The Early Doors hot list
The following is a list of Early Doors's favourite subjects and the number of different editions of ED that have mentioned them at least once.
How apt that, despite being jobless for half the year, Jose Mourinho managed to pick up more mentions than Avram Grant.
Players
Cristiano Ronaldo - 93
Wayne Rooney - 42
Frank Lampard - 41
David Beckham - 38
John Terry - 38
Steven Gerrard - 37
Didier Drogba - 31
Rio Ferdinand - 31
Joey Barton - 29
Ashley Cole - 26
Managers
Alex Ferguson - 52
Arsene Wenger - 47
Fabio Capello - 38
Kevin Keegan - 36
Rafa Benitez - 34
Jose Mourinho - 33
Avram Grant - 32
Steve McClaren - 32
Roy Keane - 25
Harry Redknapp - 23
Teams
Chelsea - 147
Manchester United - 141
Arsenal - 118
Liverpool - 117
Newcastle - 84
Officials
Sepp Blatter - 18
Mike Ashley - 17
Peter Kenyon - 13
Ramon Calderon - 11
Roman Abramovich - 10
World leaders
Barack Obama - 10
George W. Bush - 6
Adolf Hitler - 5
Joseph Stalin - 5
Gordon Brown - 5
Reality TV shows
X-Factor - 6
Big Brother - 5
Strictly Come Dancing - 4
American Idol - 3
Britain's Got Talent - 3
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Early Doors returns on December 29. In the meantime,spend your Christmas honing an entry into Early Doors Idol!
Write anything related to football, make sure it is funny, and send it to early.doors@yahoo.co.uk. The best submissions, if there are any, will be published on Monday December 29. Entries should be no longer than 200 words.