It was not really a night for football, yesterday.
Most TV viewers tuned in to an obscure channel to spend an hour and a half watching a turgid back and forth between a group of blokes with delusions of grandeur. The contest had no real structure and no hope of a decisive outcome, and afterwards it was hard to work out who was in the best position.
And on the other side there was the second leaders' debate (cue a cymbal crash so huge need you need earplugs).
As three men quarrelled about foreign policy, Liverpool did their bit for foreign relations by meekly laying down their arms in Madrid. For all the talk of getting tough over Europe, this was a comprehensive surrender of powers.
So Rafa Benitez's side lost to Atletico in their Europa League first leg, with the tabloids much taken with Diego Forlan's goal.
You see - he scored against Liverpool seven-and-a-half years ago when at Manchester United.
Never mind that the goal was Forlan's 141st since leaving Old Trafford in 2005 - man scores against same team twice, only for different clubs. Now that's back-page news!
Ruud van Nistelrooy probably scored against Fulham once, but he couldn't do it for Hamburg last night in a game that scaled even more epic heights of tedium. Not that ED was watching.
It only has one pair of eyes, and they were trained firmly on the curiously-styled wave of hair beating a hasty retreat from the front of David Cameron's head.
- - -
Still on election-watch, ED was surprised to see BBC sports editor David Bond wade into the debate by claiming a hung parliament could spell disaster for England's 2018 World Cup bid.
Given the BBC's supposed commitment to neutrality, it was perhaps surprising to see their top man backing Cameron's claim that anything but an overall majority would cripple the country.
A more cynical type than Early Doors might point out that Bond used to work for the Tory-supporting Daily Telegraph.
ED would merely point out that a hung parliament is likely to damage England's bid much less than the fact Wembley's pitch disintegrates at the first sign of studs.
That plastic surface at the Luzhniki Stadium in Moscow is looking better by the minute.
- - -
Now for some evidence that footballers might not be the stupidest, most self-absorbed and most juvenile sportsmen on earth.
Olympic 400 metres champion LaShawn Merritt failed three doping tests in a row after apparently using an over-the-counter 'male enhancement' drug.
Merritt - clearly no Linford Christie - claims he took the drug in order to pack a bit more meat into his lunchbox.
Let's leave aside the fact that US athletes have to test positive three times in a row before anyone finds out.
Now ED has no knowledge of what went on, except that Merritt tested positive for DHEA and pregnenolone in three separate tests in October 2009, December 2009 and January 2010.
But if you did take a drug for performance-enhancing reasons and then got caught, Merritt's excuse must be the best you could ever come up with - it is so embarrassing nobody would ever suspect you made it up.
Merritt described his actions as "foolish, immature and egotistical," and added: "To know that I've tested positive as a result of product that I used for personal reasons is extremely difficult to wrap my hands around."
Wasn't that the whole point?
Athletics has a rich history of macho doping offences - Dennis Mitchell once claimed his high levels of testosterone resulted from drinking beer and having sex four times the previous night.
- - -
QUOTE OF THE DAY: Ruud van Nistelrooy (150 Manchester United goals) tries to put himself in the shoes of Dimitar Berbatov (26 Manchester United goals: "I can empathise with his situation. He cost £30million, there were big expectations and they haven't been met so far ... I don't think he should leave yet. This is his second year so I think that he should give it another year at least - I wouldn't leave United that easily. I know what it's like when you've left - when it's gone it doesn't come back anymore."
FOREIGN VIEW: World Cup fans should wear ear plugs to protect them from the blaring vuvuzela trumpets beloved by South African spectators, experts have warned.
A study into the vuvuzelas has been published in the South African Medical Journal.
Doctors found the level of noise from the plastic trumpets was well above what is allowed in South African factories without ear protection - reaching 131 decibels, the equivalent of a jackhammer.
The study of 11 spectators exposed to vuvuzelas at a 30,000-seat stadium showed a significant decrease in hearing.
COMING UP: Full weekend preview malarkey, featuring pearls of wisdom from Paul Parker and Jim White as well as comprehensive team news.
And what better way to spend your Friday night than by following live scoring of VfL Bochum v VfB Stuttgart from 19:30 UK time.