Diego Maradona paid a surprise visit to Chelsea's Cobham training ground on Monday for reasons passing understanding - you get the feeling it may have also been a surprise for the great man himself.
What could have been a PR coup for Chelsea served only as a reminder of the crushing mediocrity that pervades their squad.
Maradona is 47 and retired over 10 years ago, has suffered a major heart attack and caught hepatitis, had gastric bypass surgery to cure his massive obesity, is a recovering cocaine addict and nearly died on several occasions in the last decade.
Despite all this, El Diego has more match sharpness than either Michael Ballack or Andriy Shevchenko, with whom he was pictured. Early Doors would definitely pick him ahead of Steve Sidwell or Florent Malouda for its playground kickabout.
As if to underline the gulf in class between them, the only parallel Shevchenko could draw was that they both like to play golf. So does Bruce Forysth, and he's nearly 80.
Nonetheless, it gives Chelsea the chance to add another tenuous name to their rag-bag of celebrity fans, which currently includes Renee Zellweger, Busta Rhymes and Morten Harket out of A-Ha.
Yesterday it emerged that US presidential hopeful Barack Obama (why is Early Doors pandering by telling you who he is? Buy a Guardian for pity's sake) supports West Ham.
He joins a Celebrity Hammers contingent boasting Noel Edmonds, Alfred Hitchcock, Kriss Akabusi, Keira Knightley, Dave Grohl and allegedly Britney Spears (she once said it in an interview for a laugh - oh, innocent times).
But for Early Doors' money, Arsenal possess the most wide-ranging and influential set of fans.
Spike Lee, The Queen, Joan Collins, Kevin Costner, Michael Moore, Osama bin Laden and national treasure Tim Henman are all believed to be among those making a bee-line for the Chablis and vol-au-vents five minutes before half-time at every Gunners home game.
- - -
Most football mascots are wearyingly familiar: some sweaty bloke in a fluffy, cartoonish suit. Think Fred the Red, Gunnersaurus or that nutter at Reading who gets stuck into the goal celebrations.
So early Doors tips its oversized comedy cap to Timber Jim of the Portland Timbers 'soccer' outfit, who has quit after 12 seasons of top-class mascotry.
Essentially, Timber Jim is just a bloke with a chainsaw. Not a big, fake, foam chainsaw, you understand. An actual chainsaw.
His party pieces included sawing off bits of wood every time the team score then presenting said logs to the players, and climbing up a 110-foot pole and, er, cutting more wood.
Forget astronomical wages, disinterested fans and a shambolic national team - the main problem with English football is there are not enough blokes with chainsaws.
- - -
Still think Kevin Keegan is the messiah? Less than two weeks after taking the reins at Newcastle for the second time, things aren't going too well.
His unique brand of attacking football has yielded no goals from two games. New captain Michael Owen was supposed to find the net more often than a drunk trapeze artist, but instead looks slow, weak and pointless.
To make matters worse, Alan Shearer rejected down his offer to be assistant manager, Jonathan Woodgate turned down the chance to play at the back and now the least popular man in football has been installed as Keegan's boss.
The manager-director of football relationship is a difficult one at the best of times. Early Doors suspects Dennis Wise will test Keegan's joviality its limit.
Still, as every real messiah knows, you have to be in dire straits to turn things around. The feeding of the 5,000 wouldn't have been quite as impressive had Jesus been equipped with a truckload of KFC Family Feast buckets and several hundred Fortnum and Mason hampers.
- - -
QUOTE OF THE DAY: "I am reluctant to tell you all I know as I really do not know everything. I just do not know enough about it. So it is pointless me saying something or sitting down and saying to you this wasn't quite right or that wasn't quite right." When even Kevin Keegan fails to muster any enthusiasm about your appointment, you know trouble is afoot.
SEE, THEY'RE NOT ALL THE SAME: Derby have been taken over by a US consortium, but the big question is: Will Andy Appleby turn out to be Good American (Randy Lerner), Bad American (Tom Hicks) or American Who Has Quite Possibly Forgotten He Owns A Football Club (Malcom Glazer)? The Rams' takeover will be the final stateside purchase of a Premier League club, because nobody else in the US has a passport.
FOREIGN VIEW: England isn't the only country with a bit of cup magic, you know. Amateurs Wuppertal take on Bayern Munich tonight in the German Cup, and are looking to their lucky dog Jago for inspiration.
COMING UP: We've got live football issuing from every orifice or this evening, with four Premier League games including a repeat of Saturday's Arsenal-Newcastle FA Cup game. There are one, two, three.... er, about 10 Championship matches, foreign cups and of course full live coverage from the African Cup of Nations. We are at the business end of Group B, so join us for Nigeria v Benin and Ivory Coast v Mali at 5pm.