Early Doors is not the gambling type. But if it were, you would be well advised never to take any advice from it.
On those very few occasions ED has enjoyed a little flutter - like on the Grand National or the number of points Andorra gives to Spain at the Eurovision Song Contest - it has always lost.
That said, ED does enjoy making a few silly predictions from time to time, usually when there is not a lot else to talk about.
So, here's how some of this weekend's action in the Premier League may pan out - with a little imagination, it could be believable. But, please, don't put any money on it.
Liverpool v Everton
Having been horribly overworked in the run up to Grand Slam Sunday, the hype-machine over at SKY has been on the blink since the beginning of the week and failed to come up with a suitably hyperbolic moniker for Sunday's Massive Merseyside Match. As such, interest in the game is minimal and the two sides play to a half-empty Anfield. Which proves to be a shame, as Phil Neville settles a 4-3 thriller with a stunning 25-yard bicycle kick deep into injury time. SKY later issue a statement confirming they will never under-hype a game again.
Bolton v Arsenal
Premier League bad boys Bolton take to the pitch before kick-off armed with a cuddly toy each to present to their opposite number on the Arsenal side as a token of their appreciation for the fancy, flair football Arsene Wenger's team plays. The presentation goes well and even Kevin Davies manages to avoid committing a foul when handing over Paddington Bear to Emmanuel Adebayor. Unfortunately, Wenger fails to see the incident, saying he will have to review television replays before he can comment on the act of goodwill.
Manchester United v Villa
With just seven games remaining this season, Alex Ferguson fields another weakened side for the visit of Villa, including Darren Fletcher, Park Ji-Sung and John O'Shea. "There's a long hard season ahead and I'm just lucky to have such a strong squad to of players to choose from," he says. "The lads I'm bringing in are big game players. Don't worry though, once we get to squeaky bum time, I'll be sure to bring out the big guns." Ferguson finally fields his strongest side on a pre-season tour of South East Asia in mid-July.
Derby v Fulham
At long last playing a team nearly as bad as themselves, Derby claim just their second win of the season at Pride Park thanks to a last minute winner from goal machine Kenny Miller. Fresh from his Scotland heroics, Miller swoops right at the death to break Cottagers hearts, and do some damage to those of the Rams fans present. "That was nerve-wracking," concedes Derby boss Paul Jewell. "I'm sweating. Be nice. Don't worry about upsetting me, tell me I'm sweating." His words make all the Sunday papers.
Birmingham v Manchester City
New evidence linking Bond villain and some-time City owner Thaksin Shinawatra to the melting of polar ice caps comes to light before kick-off and threatens to overshadow the game at St Andrews. But, with the away fans a little subdued before kick-off, Sven-Goran Eriksson comes to the rescue, grabbing a microphone and whipping the crowd into a frenzy using nothing but his legendary charisma. The stand-up routine fails to inspire City, who crash to defeat and edge closer towards their rightful place in mid-table.
Tottenham v Newcastle
Michael Owen puts memories of Paris firmly behind him to fire Newcastle to a second straight victory, and double Kevin Keegan's win tally since his return to the north-east. The result sparks newfound optimism at St James' Park, which is reflected in the post-match comments. "See, I can work miracles," says Keegan, who now believes European qualification is a very real possibility by the end of the season.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY: "I don't know, you best ask him." Michael Owen shrugs a response to the question on everyone's lips - what was Fabio Hat trying to achieve the other night? Not quite the best way to work yourself back into contention, Michael.
FOREIGN VIEW: On-loan Internazionale striker Adriano seems to have shaken off his woeful recent form (well, not exactly recent actually, he's been rubbish for two years now), scoring one and setting up another in Sao Paulo's 3-1 win over Sertaozinho in the Paulista championship. Don't expect a move back to Europe anytime soon though - his current reputation as a booze hound and party animal precedes him.
TALKING POINT: Credit to you all for your well thought out and balanced responses to yesterday's discussion on the problems in the England camp. While it was doom and gloom for the majority, peter.mccrory1 put a less pessimistic spin on things. "Has the sky fallen in? England lost by a goal and a penalty at that in a friendly in Paris where they haven't beat France for nearly 30 years. It was a glorified practice match which gave Fabio (Rome wasn't built in a day) the chance to gauge the depth of the talent available to him and identify who are the key players he can build a winning side around."
For today, what do you think might happen in the weekend's other games? ED apologises for any exclusions, but it's the end of a long hard week and juice is running low.
COMING UP: Friday means team news on eurosport.yahoo.com - an overview will be with you shortly before midday and will be followed by a guide to the weekend's Fantasy Football selections.
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