What is it with academics? These publicly-funded layabouts have the time, the resources and the brainpower to solve all the world's problems, yet end up publishing reports on whether it is better to put milk in your tea before or after the boiling water.
(For the record, these studies always find it is better either to go milk-first or to get a life.)
Take the group of boffins at Durham and Plymouth Universities who decided that, rather than applying their copious grey matter to something useful like curing AIDS or clothing Danielle Lloyd, they would look at what colour football strip teams wear.
Their conclusion? Teams that play in red are more likely to win. This, apparently, is not because of Cristiano Ronaldo or Cesc Fabregas or Fernando Torres or, ahem, Gary O'Neil, but because: "In nature, red is often associated with male aggression and display."
So there was no need for Roman Abramovich to plough half a billion quid into Chelsea. If he really wanted success, he would just dress his players like robins.
"It is certainly true that the influx of wealthy foreign owners has changed the resources available to some teams and this should result in increased success, regardless of their shirt colour," conceded Dr. Russell Hill, Durham's Professor of Stating the Bleeding Obvious.
Had Chelsea only been in red last night, they might have hit double figures against poor old Derby. As it is they had to make do with six, including four from flat-track bully extraordinaire Frank Lampard.
The report also found that teams in yellow and orange tend to fare worst. Presumably because teams in yellow and orange also tend to be Norwich City or Blackpool.
When Delia Smith has finished making chocolate cakes out of frozen potato, she might consider giving her beloved Canaries a makeover.
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It was one-nil to the eggheads last night as Tottenham and Everton went out of the UEFA Cup to PSV and Fiorentina - both clad in red.
There is only one thing Early Doors loves more than a good penalty shootout, and that is two good penalty shootouts, preferably at the same time.
The channel-changing finger went into overdrive as first the Toffees then Spurs showed that, best league in the world or not, English sides will never be any good from 12 yards.
Everton's misses were at least respectable, with Yakubu striking the post and Phil Jagielka bringing a brilliant save out of Sebastien Frey.
The same could not be said for Tottenham. Jermaine Jenas had a chance to win it but opened his body and telegraphed his shot so obviously that Ray Charles would have known he was aiming for the right-hand corner.
Pascal Chimbonda saved PSV keeper Gomes the bother of making a second stop, scuffing pathetically wide.
One can only wonder whether, as he left the field close to tears, Chimbonda approached Juande Ramos and slapped in a transfer request.
The French full-back did just this to Wigan boss Paul Jewell on the final day of the 2005/06 season, so may find sympathy thin on the ground following his howler.
Chimbonda was reported to have told friends earlier this season that he did not care about the Carling Cup final, adding: "It's all about the money."
Early Doors has no quibble with the factual accuracy of the attributed statement, it's just that, in the words of the Dude from The Big Lebowski: "You're not wrong, you're just an a**hole."
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QUOTE OF THE DAY: "You just need to have a look around to see this is not a Dog and Duck team." Gary Megson may be right that few pubs in Bolton have players called Ali Al-Habsi, Andranik Teymourian or Ricardo Vaz Te, but his second-stringers could still get hammered this evening.
QUOTE OF THE DAY 2: "At first when Jens was not picked, he was very angry. He did not speak any more. He has a good heart - as long as we speak about private things. But when he stands on the training ground he becomes a different person. The way he acts there sometimes needs getting used to." Alexander Hleb lifts the lid on Jens Lehmann's sulky antics.
FOREIGN VIEW: "INCREDIBILE!" screams the Corriere dello Sport after Inter boss Roberto Mancini decides he doesn't actually want to leave after all.
TODAY'S TALKING POINT: Is the Premier League the best in the world? No according to benyoungs: "If we go by the FA cup then the championship is the best league. And Barnsley are apparently the best team in the world." Well, they do wear red...
Today's question: Does the colour of your kit make any difference? Answers in the usual place below.
DISS OF THE DAY: Part two of kevmun82's demolition job on the Early Doors mug shots: "The one on the right looks like an MP who claims he likes the 'Antarctic Monkeys' and 'Snow Police' in a feebly desperate attempt to appear "down wit da kids, innit", when really he enjoys Cup-a-Soup and listens to the Lighthouse Family and Enya in his Mondeo." Early Doors prefers a bit of Lethal Bizzle, actually.
COMING UP: Bolton reserves get the hiding they so richly deserve against Sporting Lisbon, while Rangers defend a two-goal lead against Werder Bremen. The UEFA Cup is live on eurosport.yahoo.com from 7.30pm.