Has anyone else noticed that you never see Cristiano Ronaldo and Gok Wan in the same room?
There would scarcely be a point to international weeks if Ronaldo didn't use them to open boutiques.
The Manchester United man was recently in Lisbon with his family to unveil the second branch of his CR7 fashion empire.
Ronaldo has already inflicted his unique line of style on his home town of Funchal in Madeira; now you can buy his branded tat in the Portuguese capital.
Among the staggeringly metrosexual gear on offer are handbags, diamante-studded baseball caps and shiny patent loafers. All come with the rubbish CR7 logo slapped clumsily on them.
It might seem like the worst celebrity retail venture since Cliff Richard launched his own perfume range but Ronaldo, perhaps unsurprisingly, remains confident in the face of the world's ridicule.
"I expect the store will be a success. I really like the clothes and I identify myself with the style of CR7," he said.
Ronaldo, of course, turned up with a 'stunner' in tow, who looked like she had borrowed her outfit from one of the Village People.
His mother, however, was keen to insist that Luciana Abreu was "not a girlfriend". As far as she (and we) knows...
It is not only the big-time Charlies that have their own clothing range these days.
Stoke's Dave Kitson is a big wheel at London boutique Chateau Roux (ginger jokes sound more classy in French), and is using his business venture as an excuse to extricate himself from the dirty work of flicking on Rory Delap's long throws - or so it says here.
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Portsmouth's UEFA Cup draw against Milan was greeted with glee on the south coast, and indifference in Italy (although they did seem strangely excited to be playing Peter Crouch).
With chuckling self-deprecation, Pompey questioned whether Milan will ever have seen anything like Fratton Park before.
Crouch said: "The changing rooms are a little bit smaller than most, but Paolo Maldini can say that he's done it all now."
The rossoneri might play in the San Siro, one of Europe's most iconic stadia, but Early Doors thinks they'll cope - unless they're made to run the gauntlet of chav hate that makes the walk from the train station to Fratton Park one of the least pleasant ED can remember.
Ramshackle, down-at-heel stadium? Average attendance under 20,000? Baying, tattooed ultras? A general feeling of unease? It could be any one of about 14 grounds in Serie A.
What's more, while Pompey are justifiably excited about playing in the UEFA Cup, for Milan it is nothing more than an irritating punishment for finishing fifth last season.
Given the great Italian tradition of squad rotation, don't be surprised if Kaka and Ronaldinho never make it as far as Portsea Island.
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You know it's time to give Ocean Finance a debt consolidating call when:
1-Your shirt sponsor goes bust, and you decide to replace the logo with a white numbered patch that makes your entire team look like they are on their way to an egg-and-spoon race.
2-You are fined £30m for having Carlos Tevez score the goal that saves you from relegation, even after the Premier League tells you he's allowed to play the final game of the season.
3-Your owner Bjorgolfur Gudmundsson's source of wealth is put into receivership when it emerges that Icelandic banks possess the same attitude to risk-aversion as Evil Knievel.
It has no doubt been a bad few weeks for West Ham, but reports of Hammers woe conveniently sidestep the fact that the entire Icelandic economy is a gnat's scrotum from collapsing.*
A football club folding might be one thing, but an entire country could soon have a 'closed for business' sign planted in the middle of it.
What next for Iceland? Well, Early Doors imagines Mike Ashley will buy it for in a cut-price auction, then put Dennis Wise and Tony Jimenez in charge of the place.
*Here's that story again, as viewed through the Recession Blocker website, which helpfully removes any reference to economic turmoil for the faint of heart. They should really have called themselves ********* Blocker.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY: "Shut up or be shut up" - What Danny Cipriani reportedly told Wasps and England team-mate Josh Lewsey before Lewsey decked him in training yesterday. As fighting talk goes, it's not exactly "prepare to die", is it?
QUESTION OF THE DAY: Why is a picture of a short man next to a tall man so funny?
FOREIGN VIEW: Why let the fact that the transfer window is shut deter you from some idle transfer speculation? Milan like the look of Cesc Fabregas and Sergio Ramos, and will attempt to buy both, says the Corriere dello Sport.