Wayne Rooney faces a possible assault charge, according to The Sun, after he was accused of spitting at a paparazzi photographer.
The Manchester United forward was involved in an altercation after leaving a restaurant in central London and was interviewed under caution by police - not arrested. He is thought to deny the allegation.
Out in the real world, spitting at someone is considered common assault - if pavements could press charges - but on the pitch the worst you can expect is a red card and your own chant.
Take El-Hadji Diouf. He was fined for spitting at a Celtic fan while at Liverpool, banned for gobbing on Wigan's Arjan de Zeeuw at Bolton, then fined again for "recklessly" but unintentionally spitting an isotonic drink at an 11-year-old Middlesbrough fan.
This week such behaviour earned him a transfer to Sunderland, with Roy Keane particularly impressed with just how objectionable he is.
"El Hadji is a great signing for us," said Keane. "He is also the kind of player opposition teams and supporters love to hate. He's a thorn in their sides and that's why we are delighted to have signed him."
Diouf's reaction? Delight: "I am similar to Roy Keane because he used to be a bad loser as well. I played against him a number of times and he was always so hot on the pitch. I am like that. People used to boo Roy Keane wherever he went and now they do that to me. But people never boo a bad player." Tell that to Derby.
But ED digresses. The point is - if Rooney is going to spit, he should make sure he does it during a match. Then he too could get that dream move to Wearside.
Elsewhere on an action packed page three, ED ponders the irony of glamour model Katie Marie, 19, from Middlesex, offering support to Britain's fattest teenager. "I wish her all the luck in the world in losing the weight. I hope she gets all the help possible," simpered the 34D stunner. It's your fault, Katie Marie. YOUR FAULT!!
- - -
Fulham's purchase of Andy Johnson has stalled because, like a 19-year-old Lamborghini driver, they cannot get insurance.
While most youths would continue undeterred until eventually wrapping their Murcielago around a lamppost, cautious elderly drivers Fulham dare not risk it.
According to the Daily Mirror, an X-Ray has revealed that Johnson may in fact be a 'cut and shut' - a botch job made by fusing together two halves of entirely different model.
While Honest Everton insist that Johnson is in mint condition, Fulham are considering leaving him on the forecourt and seeking an alternative runaround with one lady owner - a tough ask in today's WAG-obsessed environment.
- - -
You might have thought Early Doors was being lazy attempting to research Amaury Bischoff with a simple internet search, but Blackburn Guv'nor Paul Ince begs to differ.
"Some of the lads have been watching [Carlos Villanueva] on YouTube and, to be fair, he looks different class."
- - -
QUOTE OF THE DAY: Big Phil Scolari makes the transfer market sound like a tacky 80s game show with players hidden inside giant lettered boxes.
"If we add player A, B or C, then great," he said. Not so fast, Phil. Inside one of these boxes is World Player of the Year Kaka; inside another is mercurial Real Madrid forward Robinho; and in the final box is Darren Moore...
FOREIGN VIEW: "Calderon's secret weapon" yells Marca, making it not so secret any more. The weapon in question is an alleged agreement with Cristiano Ronaldo that will supposedly cost the player millions if he does not go to Real Madrid. Hmm, doesn't really sound like the kind of thing that actually exists, does it?
TALKING POINT: whfcuptonpark on the enigma that is Arsenal's new signing: "Amaury Bischoff is a superb player. He played against us 4 years ago when he was in the UK seeing his cousin. I remember it well - Wyman & Abbott Soccer Sevens division two on a Thursday night. He slipped a lovely ball through to The Royal Oak's forward to put them 6-4 up. Afterwards I saw him in the KFC. Said one day he would play for The Arsenal. He was right."
Today - ED will go with james_ssmith's suggestion: "Who is the least qualified manager in either the Premier League or the SPL?"
COMING UP: With their mispronunciations, awkward exchanges with former players and staggering self-importance, Champions League draws bring a lot of unintentional comedy to the party. Early Doors loves them. We'll have live video coverage from 11am UK time. ED would be watching if it were the draw for the seating plan at a UEFA dinner, but there are actually some decent sides involved, including Arsenal, Liverpool, Barcelona and Juventus. Rangers are also in the draw.