Picture the scene: we are in a Tokyo hotel room, reclining on a bed. The camera lingers, perhaps too long, on a shapely rear hugged by semi-see-through pink knickers. The contours of the bottom seem somewhat hypnotic as light music begins to play in the background and the screen gently fades to black.
As the camera whirrs back into action, though, it is not the face of Hollywood darling Scarlett Johansson we see, but that of Manchester City rebel Carlos Tevez. A frightening prospect, is it not?
But that is the traumatic mental image Early Doors has been unable to expel from its mind ever since Kia Joorabchian used the 'Lost in Translation' excuse on Wednesday to defend his Argentinian ingénue from accusations of desertion.
The comparison is fitting. In a city (in this case Manchester or Munich rather than Tokyo) and a world where they feel isolated and alone, the two kindred spirits find solace in each other's company. Where confusion erupts at every turn due to linguistic differences, at least they speak each other's language: in this case a distinctive dialect of self-interest.
Two lonely souls pulled together by circumstance and, er, singing Bryan Ferry's 'More Than This' at karaoke. Okay, so the comparison does have its limits.
What doesn't, seemingly, is the convoluted controversy surrounding the shapely bottom's alleged refusal to come on as a substitute in the Champions League tie against Bayern Munich (for what it's worth, ED isn't surprised he was furious at having to keep that glorious behind parked on the bench for most of the night).
Wednesday witnessed a heightening in tensions as Joorabchian took to the stage at the Leaders in Football conference at Chelsea's Stamford Bridge and launched a staunch defence of his soul-mate.
Joorabchian, by the way, is obviously the Bill Murray of the piece: older and ostensibly wiser, he should probably know better, and finds himself placed in the scenario because he is trying to make a packet - through managing the careers of football players and managers, rather than picking up $2 million for a whisky advert of course.
One of the key points of Joorabchian's defence of Tevez was that the explosion of the controversy was in no small part due to some lamentable interpretation from the man tasked with portraying the monoglot's thoughts to Sky Sports in the aftermath of Roberto Mancini's furious declarations to the press.
The man in question was City's opposition analyst Pedro Marques, who was asked by Tevez to help him transmit his thoughts in the aftermath of a 2-0 defeat in Germany. When asked for his appraisal, Joorabchian didn't so much shoot the messenger, as pop one in his head, chuck his corpse in a car, drive to a river and dispose of the remains.
"After a game questions are asked and if you do not have a very professional interpreter you have a problem," said Joorabchian. "I speak Spanish and English. I listened to the questions in English and the answer in Spanish and the interpretation is incorrect. Both questions were interpreted incorrectly and then both answers misinterpreted.
"Geoff Shreeves asks if Carlos is finished and he says the truth is how can I be fit to play? In the second question he is asked about the situation being finished and Carlos says it is a well-known fact that since his family was not here he has asked the club if he could leave to be closer to his family, but now his family is in Manchester he is comfortable again.
"The interpreter says something different. Carlos does speak English but it is not good enough for a full-blown interview. There is an ongoing internal investigation so this is all my opinion, not what I have spoken about with Carlos.
"The main issue is what happened caused a lot of confusion as shown by the TV footage. While I do not think it is correct for any player to refuse to play, the events of Munich have been judged prior to the real outcome. We did not see what really happened, just the TV footage.
"There is a lot of arguing going on when Edin Dzeko comes off. You could see Carlos warming up in the first half and in the second half I saw Carlos warming up and as he returned to the bench there was a row between Dzeko and Roberto Mancini. Then Carlos stood up and sat down. The next thing we hear is what Roberto says."
When asked precisely if Tevez said: "I did not feel right to play, so I did not", Joorabchian was adamant that the player's reply had been misconstrued.
In fact, Joorabchian was right and the interpreter didn't entirely correctly portray the answers Tevez was giving to Sky.
Unfortunately for the striker's long-term associate, the true nature of the comments don't exactly back up the version of events that Tevez's camp are clumsily attempting to spin.
In fact, according to an independent translation, Tevez said: "I felt that it wasn't suitable that I go on because my head wasn't in the right place ... it's just that I didn't want to go in because I thought I was unwell, I wasn't emotionally well and I thought it better not to."
If correct, those comments do seem to state pretty definitively that Tevez did indeed refuse to appear as a substitute, and if he cannot explain them as City's investigations continue it looks likely he will be subjected to a sizeable fine.
Lost in translation? Perhaps, but Tevez just seems lost at present, despite Joorabchian's best efforts.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY: "I've got nothing against Fabio Capello. I went to the World Cup in South Africa and got to know him a little bit. But that's not what international football is. It's like saying if our keeper's not good enough, we'll go and get Gianluigi Buffon from Italy. It's a form of cheating in international football and a bit embarrassing. The next manager of England should be English. I can understand some countries, like the African nations, trying to build the game up and develop. But for England, such a big football nation, I don't think we should have a foreign manager." - Jamie Carragher doesn't exactly hold back when asked for his views on England's managerial situation.
FOREIGN VIEW: "Football is no longer burning inside me like back in the days. Playing football has become more and more of a routine job for me. It's a matter of getting out there on the pitch, warm up, train and then back home again. However, before I always used to stay out there after training because there was always something to do. I am starting to become tired of football and am no longer motivated like before. Football was all I was thinking about when I was younger, but things are different now." - Zlatan Ibrahimovic comes across all Carlos Tevez as he explains he is losing his enthusiasm for the game.
COMING UP: Michael Cox of Zonal Marking fame explains why Emmanuel Adebayor and Jermain Defoe are functioning nicely for Tottenham at present in the latest instalment of the Tactical Brain. We also take a visual look at the striking options available to Fabio Capello ahead of Friday's key Euro 2012 qualifier against Montenegro in Podgorica.
At lunch we will be publishing an indispensable guide to the possible permutations on Friday night as ten places must still be filled at the finals in Poland and Ukraine. Our weekly Eurosport blog will also investigate the reasoning, or lack of it, behind Capello's decision to ignore the claims of Chelsea forward Daniel Sturridge.
The Armchair Pundit will be weighing in with another blog and we also have the second instalment of our interview with Swansea City manager Brendan Rodgers. Finally, don't forget to follow England Under-21s' match against Iceland live this evening.