Early Doors takes a nostalgic and sherry-fuelled look back at the year's big stories through the medium of recycled posts. ED returns on January 4.
July 3: Manchester United sign Michael Owen
ED's take: After refusing to discuss a new contract with Newcastle, Owen found he was not in quite the demand he anticipated, and his management company was reduced to supplying clubs with a now-infamous brochure in an attempt to drum up interest.
ED's favourite part of the brochure is page 18, where Owen's former doctor is deputised to explain why he is not a crock.
John Green BSc (Hons), MCSP, HPC might be a better doctor than House, Meredith Grey, Doogie Howser MD and the smug one off Scrubs put together, but it is hard to trust his assertion that the description Owen as injury-prone is "a nonsense".
Dr Green trumpeted his expertise by revealing he was asked to treat Owen by David James (?!) in 2006, having already worked his magic on Kieron Dyer, Damien Duff, Dean Ashton and Craig Bellamy.
Two words: alarm bells.
July 7: £80 million signing Cristiano Ronaldo greets his public in Madrid.
ED's take: Fifty thousand fans flocked to the Bernabeu to greet £50 million signing Kaka, so it was perhaps logical that Ronaldo brought in 80,000. Ronaldo took it all in his diamond-encrusted stride, aiming for modesty and missing by a mile.
"I never thought the stadium would be so full of people here just to see me," he said.
Ronaldo then came over all Princess Diana and was overcome by an urge to kiss a small boy - although the Queen of Hearts never treated any landmine victims to an exhibition of ball juggling. As far as ED is aware.
All that was missing was 'Heal The World' wafting over the tannoy system to complete the messianic feel. You half expected Ronaldo to produce a bottle of mineral water and turn it into a spicy Rioja.
July 13: John Terry considers a move to Manchester City
ED's take: Why would Terry move to City for money? This isn't a moral argument about 'obscene' wages, it is an economic argument. Terry is worth about £50 million. He can pretty much do whatever he wants to do with that money. What, exactly, is the marginal benefit to him of the next million?
Listen to Toronto Raptors basketball player Andrea Bargnani, who said at the weekend he did not know what to do with all his cash.
"I've had so much money since I joined the NBA, I cannot even manage to think about what to do with it. I'm not someone who buys eight Rolls Royces and I don't have strange needs or material dreams."
ED does not know if John Terry has strange needs or material dreams, but it imagines Terry does not need that ninth Rolls Royce.
July 14: Carlos Tevez joins City
ED's take: Like the death of Michael Jackson or Andrew Flintoff's latest injury, the news that Tevez is to sign for Manchester City was a little shocking but in no way surprising.
Tevez has been City-bound ever since getting the hump with Manchester United for refusing to guarantee his place in the team after starting the season with a run of two goals in 20 games.
Alex Ferguson said yesterday he suspected the deal was done in January, when Tevez rejected a United contract offer and, most damningly of all, failed to respond to two text messages from the gaffer.
That's the kind of social snub from which relationships simply cannot recover, and from that moment Tevez was always going to leave.
July 17: Emmanuel Adebayor is still an Arsenal player
ED's take: Even though their old ground was nicknamed the 'Highbury library' (sadly, no quiet places rhyme with 'Emirates'), Arsenal fans are capable of making a noise. Mainly by swearing at their own players.
In December, fans reduced Emmanuel Eboue to tears when they booed his every move, but that is nothing compared with the vitriol aimed at Emmanuel Adebayor, whose move to Manchester City appears in danger of stalling, raising the hilarious prospect of an outcome that nobody seems to want; Adebayor staying at Arsenal.
Such is the anger that some have even deployed the A-bomb of insults; that Adebayor is worse than Nicklas Bendtner. ED thinks that is a bit harsh - on current form you would have to call it a nil-nil draw.
The pair were so useless last season that if they were to repeat their on-pitch butting match of 2008, most Gooners would lock them in a windowless cell to whack away at each other until their heads were reduced to a bloody, gelatinous pulp.