Nobody confounds and confuses quite like Theo Walcott.
The man is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma. Inside a nice middle-class boy with silly facial hair, who runs very quickly but doesn't always kick a football in the right direction.
In the first half against Udinese last night, Gervinho set him up for what looked a simple chance, but instead of lifting the ball into the net he shot low at Samir Handanovic.
This was 'proof' of Walcott's terminal lack of finishing instinct and subtelety, laid bare in front of a continental audience.
Everything critics have said about his failure to improve, his non-existent 'football brain', his unreliability - it was summed up in that single moment.
Walcott. Will. Never. Make. It. FACT.
Midway through the second half, with the tie still thrillingly in the balance, he raced through on goal down the left channel.
We all knew what was going to happen next - the same thing that happens every time he has a one-one-one. He was going to telegraph a sidefoot curler to the right side of the goal, and the keeper would make an easy save.
Sure enough, Walcott looked to the far corner, he opened his body... and he planted a beautifully-disguised finish into the net at the near post. Game over.
It was a brilliant, cool piece of play from Walcott. One showing technique, poise and presence of mind - all the things he is routinely accused of lacking.
What to make of it? ED's head hurt to the point where it genuinely feared its brain might explode. Although that might have been something to do with the medieval trepanning surgery ED underwent before kick-off.
In an era of snap judgements, Theo Walcott is a most perplexing footballer. We want to pigeon-hole him but we can't.
One moment he scores a hat-trick against Croatia, the next he flares six straight crosses out of play for goal kicks. One moment he makes Barcelona have kittens, the next he runs down blind alleys for an hour and a half.
The modern football observer cannot accept the reality - Walcott is simply an inconsistent player, by turns electric and execrable.
But that's not good enough. We need a conclusion. He has to be either Thierry Henry or Bebe, and his habit of flitting between the two upsets us.
The desire to draw lavish conclusions from small scraps of evidence is only increased by the fact we cannot quite work him out. If it could be generally accepted that he was one thing or the other, we would ignore the evidence that contradicts us - just like we do for everyone else.
Take Javier Hernandez, who made such a positive impact for Manchester United last season, and whom nearly everybody recognises is a high-class striker.
Nowhere was his predatory eye for goal more in evidence than when he took just 36 seconds to score against Chelsea in a virtual title-decider at Old Trafford.
That early goal fit the Hernandez profile perfectly and made a neat story, so we ignored what followed.
He missed a gilt-edged chance on 10 minutes, and other on 87 and yet another on 89. In between he was caught offside about half a dozen times.
Now that doesn't *prove* Hernandez is rubbish any more than his early goal proved he was great. But because we think Hernandez is good, we focus on the evidence that supports what we already believe.
The problem with Walcott is that, five years into his career, we still have no real clue what sweeping generalisation to make about him. And that bothers us.
QUOTE OF THE DAY: "I cannot lie and say we will sign someone tomorrow." Arsene Wenger brings Gooners down to earth despite the cash windfall of reaching the Champions League group stage. Only seven shopping days left, Arsene...
TWITTER RUMOUR OF THE DAY: More proof that the idiots are ruining Twitter, following the recent 'news' that a tiger was prwling Primrose Hill after being released from London Zoo by rioters. Hiding behind the incorrectly-spelt 'Fenerbache' trending topic was the preposterous claim that Liverpool would be granted instant access to the Champions League group stage following Fenerbahce's withdrawal from the competition.
This was based on the paper-thin premise that the Reds boast the highest UEFA coefficient of any club not presently in European competition. Obviously it ignored the fact that the Champions League place belonged to Turkey, and it duly went to last season's runners-up, Trabzonspor. Tsk.
FOREIGN VIEW: Fenerbahce have said they will appeal their exclusion from this season's Champions League over a match-fixing investigation.
The Turkish FA (TFF)'s decision, taken under pressure from UEFA, has stirred further the turmoil in the Turkish league which has been hit by revenue concerns since the match-fixing court case emerged.
Fenerbahce said its loss of revenues due to the Champions League exclusion will be some 25 million euros (£20.5m) and its shares tumbled nine percent on the Istanbul Stock Exchange. Trabzonspor shares surged 10 percent.
"Our club will apply to the TFF Arbitration Board to suspend and annul the decision to bar it from the UEFA Champions League," Fenerbahce said in a statement to the Istanbul Stock Exchange.
More than 30 players and officials have been jailed pending trial, including the Fenerbahce chairman Aziz Yildirim and the coach and deputy chairman of Besiktas, in connection with alleged manipulation in 19 matches.
This could get very messy.
COMING UP: Assuming we know who's in it, we have got live coverage of the Champions League group stage draw from 16:45 UK time. There's also Europa League from 16:00 and Scunthorpe v Newcastle in the Carling Cup.