Name a better English striker than Andy Carroll... Go.
OK, Wayne Rooney you can have, even if he has more miles on the clock than a B-reg Austin Allegro. Rumour has it he named his son Klay after what it looked like he was running through this season.
Right, who else? Jermain Defoe? Gives you 10 of those great goals a season when he cuts in from the left and pings it into the far corner. And literally nothing else. There's a reason trusted Emmanuel Adebayor - a.k.a. the least reliable striker in world football - down the stretch this season.
Daniel Sturridge? Terrific goalscorer, but almost irredeemably selfish as a player. There's a reason Manchester City and Chelsea have both seen fit to let him go in his short career. And that reason might just be those dreadful goal celebrations.
Theo Walcott? Whatever the man himself might think, Theo is categorically not a striker.
Boof! Hark to the sound of Danny Welbeck's lone Premier League goal from 26 appearances this season. ED likes Welbeck, he's a useful role player on a good team, but that's his ceiling - third or fourth banana for Manchester United.
Rickie Lambert? Lol. Peter Crouch? LOL! Grant Holt? MEGALOLZ! Darren Bent? Return to 2009 and don't come back.
So there you have it. After Wayne Rooney, Andy Carroll is the best English striker.
He's a good player. Hard-working, team-minded, terrific in the air, decent on the ground and an above-average finisher.
Given the paucity of quality goalscorers, Carroll is definitely worth £15 million of West Ham's money - the reported fee they will pay to land him from Liverpool.
By this point, you might be screaming "CHRISTIAN BENTEKE!!!" at your screen with purple-faced, vein-popping rage. Though hopefully not while on public transport.
It's true: you don't have to buy English players. And Aston Villa's Benteke, a £7 million acquisition from Genk, looks like a turbo-charged version of Carroll.
But you don't always get Christian Benteke. Sometimes you get Chucho Benitez, Mauro Boselli, Afonso Alves or, heaven forfend, Steve Marlet.
Sign Andy Carroll and you know what you're getting - particularly if he's already spent a year playing for you.
You're not just signing Andy Carroll though, are you? You're signing his £35m price tag. You're signing the legacy of one of the most humiliatingly awful transfers in history.
The man behind the deal that took Carroll to Liverpool, Damien Comolli, has defended his actions by calling it a 'four-player deal' - selling Fernando Torres and Ryan Babel, signing Luis Suarez and Carroll.
The logic being that Suarez's success (a £23m triumph as long as you forget the racism, the diving and the biting) offset the disastrous overpayment for Carroll.
Only it wasn't a four-player deal. Liverpool could easily have signed only Suarez. Or Suarez and somebody else.
But they didn't. Their sale of Torres gave them about half an hour to bring someone in, and allowed Newcastle to think of a number, double it and stick a zero on the end.
And Liverpool paid it because they deemed him vital for the second half of a season in which they were seventh at the end of January, and ended up sixth.
None of this was Carroll's fault. And while he hardly shone at Liverpool, he was little other than a £35 million striker playing like a £10 million striker (his improvement this season has nudged his value skyward).
If Liverpool take a £20m loss on Carroll, the responsibility lies entirely with them.
Carroll is not a £35m player. He is not world class. He will never score 25 goals a season.
But in a world where quality front men are thinner on the ground than a chairless catwalk model, he's one of the best players available.
QUOTE OF THE DAY: Bayern Munich's change of manager is slammed as 'bizarre' by no less than Boris Becker. Yes, Boris Becker. "Not only is Heynckes going for the Champions League, he is going for the treble. In other scenarios, you would never exchange the manager who has just won the treble. It is bizarre, very bizarre, but the decision was made during the winter break. Guardiola was a wanted man at the time. It is tough to say what the outcome would have been (if Bayern knew what was to come five months later), but it is fair to say he may have done another year."
FOREIGN VIEW: Serbian champions Partizan Belgrade won their 25th league title and a record sixth in a row with a match to spare after a 2-0 win at relegated Smederevo on Wednesday.
The win left them eight points clear of city rivals Red Star before the final round of games.
Strikers Marko Scepovic and Nemanja Kojic scored in each half for Partizan, who are now level on titles with 1991 European Cup winners Red Star for the first time since 1956, when both teams competed in the former communist Yugoslavia.
COMING UP: A whole heap of Champions League previews, plus the latest from Manchester City who are expected to appoint Manuel Pellegrini in the next few days.