Police are reportedly considering the introduction of 'mosquito' ultrasonic devices to break up gangs of antisocial youths.
This young-person deterrent emits a piercing noise so high-pitched it can only be heard by people younger than 25. It sounds like one of those things country folk put in their gardens to scare off moles.
The idea is to fire the 'mosquito' at the kids on your local street corner and watch them scatter, while anyone old enough to remember Elton Welsby on the Big Match remains unaffected.
Broadcasting an irritating sound might not be the zero-tolerance solution many would choose to deal with the nation's White Lightning-swilling youth, but it's a start.
Early Doors suspects the 'mosquito' could be the only way to prevent Arsenal from running away with the Premier League title.
Five points clear with 12 games to play, Wenger's men are chock-full of confidence and still have Kolo Toure and Emmanuel Eboue to return to the side after the African Cup of Nations.
When they visit Stamford Bridge next month, Avram Grant may find the best way to ensure Chelsea's unbeaten home run stays intact is to blast mosquito noises through the tannoy system.
Cue chaos and the mass fleeing of Arsenal players, leaving Jens Lehmann, William Gallas and Gilberto Silva by themselves to take on the Blues, plus a load of Chelsea Pensioners in the crowd.
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Juande Ramos may consider doling out similar punishment to Tomas Pekhart after the young Tottenham striker spilled some rather embarrassing beans about life at White Hart Lane.
The 18-year-old revealed that Paul Robinson refused to warm up with the team after being dropped for the Carling Cup semi-final against Arsenal.
He also claimed that Ramos hardly speaks any English, pooh-poohing the party line peddled by Gus Poyet that the Spaniard talks to his players but not the media in the language of Shakespeare.
All of which may prompt the following question from many Spurs fans: who is Tomas Pekhart?
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Monday was one of the slowest news days for a while, creating the perfect opportunity for the Daily Express to fill some space by pledging to boycott the extra round of Premier League games played abroad.
This includes covering games on an "exhibition game" basis and obscuring up sponsors' logos in pictures.
It will also refuse to count points from the games in its table, which could be interesting if, say, Chelsea win the title but Manchester United are top after the domestic games.
The Crusader pledged to "even take the issue to Prime Minister Gordon Brown". Er, Brown might have a lot on his plate but Early Doors is fairly confident he already knows about this scheme.
The Express is a fading force, with nothing like the influence it used to have. Even if it goes ahead with its campaign few people will notice - especially with the Murdoch papers more likely to relaunch as crochet periodicals than to boycott overseas games.
The lack of news can be partly explained by a two-week break enjoyed by clubs no longer in the FA Cup or Europe.
Blackburn Rovers and Aston Villa have booked sunshine trips to Florida and Marbella to catch some rays and train in relative comfort.
Sam Allardyce was planning a jaunt to Dubai (he presumably expected his side to be out of the Cup), but Kevin Keegan is clearly one of those dads who takes the family on a camping trip to the Pennines while everyone else gets to go to the Algarve.
Possibly fearing the consequences of taking his squad to a La Manga-style training camp Keegan is keeping them in the north-east - Benton to be precise.
Nothing like a freezing gale blowing in off the North Sea to keep morale up, is there?
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QUOTE OF THE DAY: "I thought I'd lost my eyesight. At the time it really hurt. I couldn't see when I went back on the pitch and I had to go off again. It's a bit better but it's still painful." John Obi Mikel on being poked in the eye during the African Cup of Nations. See, midfield hatchet men have feelings too.
FOREIGN VIEW: Urawa Reds players were forced to squeeze into the cheap seats when they flew to Guam for pre-season training while striker Naohiro Takahara relaxed in business class. Japan international Takahara took the only available seat in business while his team-mates fought for elbow room in economy class on the fully-booked three-hour flight. Takahara was ruled out of the 2002 World Cup on home soil after suffering an attack of deep vein thrombosis brought on by regular flying.
DEBATE OF THE DAY: It was a slow day for the readers yesterday, with the debate revolving largely around whether Early Doors meant to be rude about Arsenal (answer: not this time, but you'll get yours, Gunners...). Most leftfield post of the day came from g_tande who posted a novel - and possibly certifiable - way to turn around England's fortunes: "You know what England should get? Their very own Brazilian. Like Turkey's Mehmet Aurelio or Spain's Marcos Senna. I'm not sure if Fabio Rochemback would do the trick, but hey, it's worth a try." No, it surely isn't.
COMING UP: We have a host of live football from the Championship and Scottish Cup this evening from 7.45pm. But Early Doors recommends a spot of live biathlon to liven up your lunch break. It is the mixed relay at 1.15pm and we have live video streaming. Strangely compelling stuff, particularly if you have a bet on it.