"I'm a phenomenon….Young people can do something else. When you're older and you've been on that treadmill for (the) length of time I've been on it — if I get off the treadmill, where do you think I am going? Down there. Trust me. When you get older, don't retire." 70-year-old Sir Alex Ferguson on why he is still going strong at Manchester United in his 26th year in charge.
"I have a big problem, I can't write so I don't keep anything. I am the most disorganised person, I am ashamed to say, in the world. You talk to anybody at the football club. I don't write. I couldn't even fill a team sheet in." Harry Redknapp (quite literally) pleads ignorance in his case against the tax man.
"At 2pm we will announce a spectacular new signing." Bayern Munich get their fans all excited.
"Based on the many comments we received, there are many Facebook fans of Bayern Munich who were not happy with our action. It was not our intention to disappoint with the new FC Bayern app." Before being forced to apologise when it was announced that the signing was a hoax to promote a new app.
"Obviously if he's being banned every three or four games for one reason or another we cannot go on like that and there needs to be an end to that. So if that's the case and English referees and the English FA would like Mario to go out of England then we would take that seriously in consideration, even if that's not and was not our intention." Mario Balotelli's agent Mino Raiola turns the violin up to 11.
"Two players, both alike in madness, On the field, where we lay our scene, From ancient grudge break to new badness, Where uncivil studs make civil hands unclean." Early Doors poetically modifies (or butchers, depending on your view point) Romeo and Juliet when commentating on Balotelli and Pepe's latest misdemeanours.
"Leandrao trained normally, but had to stop due to the endless hiccups. At first it was kind of funny and his team-makes were joking about it. But the hiccups did not stop. It's very unusual!" Spokesperson for Brazilian club Caldense who lost a player for two weeks due to the hiccups.
"I signed a new deal last January because Venky's told me they had big plans. Names like Ronaldinho were mentioned and they promised there was going to be a lot of investment in the team. It hasn't happened. They don't understand football in this country and they don't realise how much I've given to Blackburn and that they have broken promises they have made. I stayed because I believed them but they weren't honest with me and now I know I made the wrong decision." Chris Samba tears into the Blackburn owners.
"I was married for all of 24 hours when I got the phone call. The manager asked if I'd be willing to cancel the honeymoon and come to Bolton and honeymoon here. After much talk with the new missus, as much as we were disappointed that we had to pass up the trip, I think we both knew it was in our best interests. Hopefully it shows my commitment to being here and doing well here." Tim Ream reveals his two objectives following his arrival in English football - to play well for Bolton and make amends with new wife Kristen for cancelling their honeymoon.
"These people (the FA) are so out of touch with reality it's untrue. I'll prob get a letter about the last few tweets. Hopefully they stop trying to be an Orwellian organisation and get to grips with the change that's happening in the world around them." Our weekly Twitter contribution from Joey Barton.
"He played his normal speed. He is always quite slow. He did what he had to and he was a little bit boring in the first couple of frames. I missed a few easy balls out there. If I played my best game, I would beat him easy. I've only got myself to blame. There were a few long pots I missed early on." Judd Trump shows great modesty after losing to Neil Robertson.
"I didn't have much time to think about it. I just stuck my hand out and the ball just stayed there. I couldn't believe it myself but then I just had to get straight on with the match. As soon as I got off court everybody was talking about it. My parents texted me and it was on Facebook." 14-year-old Dylan Colaci's reaction after he wowed crowds with an athletic catch that would have shamed a Test cricketer while acting as a ball boy at the Australian Open.
"It's difficult to describe. I was trying to focus on every point. It was a physical match. It was almost five hours. It was one of the best matches I played. Emotionally and mentally it was hard." Novak Djokovic gives his reaction after his epic match against Andy Murray.
"Talking to the surgeon and stuff, he said for a brain surgery, difficulty-wise for him it was only about a one out of 10. It's still brain surgery, but that at least made me feel better. Then I got to the hospital and started putting on the gown and everything else and it was like, 'Wow, I'm about to have brain surgery'. So it really hits you then." JB Holmes on returning to golf four months after having brain surgery.
"As we're the first car out it is obviously stirring up a lot of debate, but because of the 2012 regulations I think you'll probably be seeing this type of nose on most of the cars this year." Malaysian-owned Caterham's technical head Mike Gascoyne explains the funny look of the first 2012 F1 car to be unveiled, after some branded the 'platypus-nosed' car downright ugly.