Cow Corner Blog

A world of Paine for England

Thu Sep 17 10:12PM

England were thrashed again at Trent Bridge and it's becoming a familiar theme. They are sinking so fast in the rankings that the rickety ship that is the West Indies is making up ground on the rails.

The last rites will be administered on Sunday and only those booked in for a spell at the funny farm will be putting their hard-earned cash on an England win.

And while England have gone backwards since the Ashes, Australia have found their stride and seemingly a wicket-keeper batsman to act as cover, and rival, to Brad Haddin.

Tim Paine plundered a powerful century before falling for a Nelson score of 111 to inflict further misery on Andrew Strauss's beleaguered side.

Mike Hussey compiled an enterprising 65 in a 163-run stand with his hyper-energetic partner whose maiden ODI ton was about as considered as Peter Siddle's banter.

Australia won their first toss in the sixth match of the series and, for a prolific gambler, captain Ricky Ponting reacted like Jenny Pitman after coming up trumps in the Grand National.

Ryan Sidebottom began as if he had spent the night lying in a bush, firing three successive humungous wides down the leg side with Paine looking on in bewilderment. Jimmy Anderson then chucked in two more for good luck.

But the shaggy-haired left-armer bailed himself out with a superb catch off Anderson to send Ponting packing for just six (120 less than on Tuesday) before proceeding to get tonked for 65 runs.

Anderson was welcomed back after a knee injury sidelined Stuart Broad, but at least the blond all-rounder was not the victim of a robust challenge at left-back or from a yorker delivered by a bowling machine like Joe Denly and Luke Wright previously.

Looking like an estranged member of the Pirates of the Caribbean cast, Dimi Mascarenhas bowled a Quality Street selection of off cutters, leg cutters, straight balls, slow balls and even slower balls which frustrated Paine and Mike Hussey.

Paine played with panache and fury as he bisected Strauss's carefully-positioned off-side field with unerring precision until he was caught behind by Matt Prior off Mascarenhas.

Australia staggered to 224 for five from 203 for two as ‘Mr Cricket’ suddenly became convinced that he was Mark Waugh after he impeccably timed a reverse-sweep, and he skied a slog to Denly at long-on.

Cameron White and Jamie Hopes then savaged Sidebottom et al with knocks which belonged more to an eight-over charity match and included 13 boundaries and some very bruised egos.

England's reply got off to a dire start as umpire Asad Rauf, sporting a red headband under his sunhat, gave Strauss out shoulder-before-wicket as a delivery from Brett Lee reared up at the England captain, who only thinly veiled his disgust.

It got no better for England as Australia hammered home their superiority and also proved they could hold their own in any coconut shy in the country.

Cow Corner has the answer why Ponting spends half his life spitting into his palms, it's for moments like tonight. There appeared little danger when Bopara pushed the ball firmly into the covers and a shout of 'no' sent Prior back towards his crease. He had strayed just far enough for Ponting to sense blood and he dashed in, turned and threw down the stumps with Prior inches short.

Not done, Ponting repeated the feat in the next over - sending Bopara back. It was an awful piece of running from Bopara, but dead-eye Ponting still had to throw down the stumps on the run.

One thing Cow Corner does not have the answer to is England's abject efforts with the bat. But to be fair to us, I don't think Derren Brown would have the answer to that one. Roll on Chester-le-Street.

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Andrew Flintoff received widespread support for his decision to become a freelance until his agent 'Chubby' Chandler revealed his client rejected the ECB's contract offer with a view to bungee-jumping on a television series.

While becoming an 'Adrenaline Junkie', posing with a can of Red Bull alongside Reggie Yates and Jack Osbourne may work for his wider appeal, Flintoff is hanging by a thin rope in terms of his integrity.

"There were one or two things in it that made it difficult to sign, like he wouldn't be allowed to participate in dangerous sports - and he's possibly doing a television series in which he may do bungee-jumping," Chandler said.

Perhaps Andrew Symonds should have become a freelance before going on ill-advised fishing trips, while Ian Bell will clearly have to keep his base-jumping and spear-hunting exploits to a minimum due to his central contract.

STAT OF THE DAY: Hussey and Paine's 163-run stand for Australia's third wicket was the highest ever, eclipsing the previous record set by David 'kegs on legs' Boon and Allan Border in Sharjah 22 years ago.

SHOT OF THE DAY: This one comes from left field, well cover actually. Bopara pushes the ball into the covers and sends Prior back. He'd come a yard too far and Ponting swooped, turned on a sixpence and threw down the stumps with Prior a yard short. Classy stuff.

USER COMMENT OF THE DAY: "Who cares about this one-day series: it is the football equivalent of playing the final of the FA Cup before the third round draw has been made. It would have made much more sense to use the series as a build up to the Ashes. I would love to know which of the ECB fat cats dreamt this one up," (Michael B).

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